11.14.20

Yesterday, Governor Andrew Cuomo ordered restaurants in New York City to be closed for indoor dining.  NYC Mayor Bill Deblasio says he agrees with the decision.  They say the lockdown needs to be reinstated because NYC is seeing yet another spike in COVID cases.

The question I have is: NYC has had mask-use, lockdowns, and social distancing in place, on and off, for the past 9 months.  So has California, Minnesota, Maine, and in other blue states. In all of these states, we’ve seen 99.999999% compliance.  Shouldn't these policies have worked already?  Shouldn’t the pandemic be wiped out?  Why are we seeing a spike?  Why are we locking down again?  After all, it was Einstein who defined insanity as “doing the same experiment over and over again when you know it won’t work”.

Obviously more has to be done.  Changes have to be made or we are acting insanely by Einstein’s definition.

I want to propose a solution to the problem.  I think the problem is talking. When people talk, microscopic droplets of saliva and air exit their noses and mouths.  When people talk in restaurants, these droplets are being spewed all over each other.

Unfortunately people like to talk.  Let’s face it.  Most people don’t have much to say but we like to talk.  Perhaps we should think of ways to curtail or even end talking.  These are tough times, but as our trusted leaders are quick to point out, tough times require tough remedies.

We need something that not only encouraged compliance but also would be fun.  It should be simple and easy for everyone to follow.  A game.  It would be based on the children’s game Simon Says.  Only it would be called Cuomo Says in New York or Newsom Says in California or Whoever Says elsewhere.

Here’s how Cuomo Says would work.

Before you are assigned a table, a specialized restaurant inspector who is wearing a “space suit” will inspect your mask.  If it does not fit tightly all around the contours of your face, you will not be seated.

Assuming your mask is acceptable, the waiter then (from 9 feet away as opposed to the current 6) flies a paper-airplane menu to each person at the table.  NOTE: The number of people at the table can’t be more than 2, and tables must 12 feet away (instead of the current 6) from each other and separated by walls of thick Plexiglas.

The waiter then flies another paper airplane to the table with instructions on how to order:  Cuomo says, check off the items that you wish to order.  Then fly the menu back to me. It also says that if the patron is not good at flying paper airplanes, he/she could roll it up in a ball and fling it at the waiter.  Fun!

The food arrives (via a rolling stainless-steel serving tray that is rolled from the waiter to the table).  Then the patron is given further instructions via the paper-airplane method.

Cuomo says,  you can remove your mask while you are eating.  BUT YOU MAY NOT TALK.  Once you are done, you must put the mask back on immediately. NOTE: I think an alternative that is tougher (but possibly even more effective) might be to instruct the patron that he/she can lift the mask to insert food in the mouth, but keep the mask on while chewing.

Check is flown to the table.  Only Credit cards accepted.  It must be flung to the waiter like a Frisbee.  Cuomo says: Put your mask on as soon as you stand, and as you exit the restaurant.

Frankly, even these simple lockdown rules might not stem the number of cases.  If there is no change in case numbers after several weeks, we have not choice but to go the next step.

Duct tape.

No way COVID is going to get through duct tape.  Right?  Duct tape would not only prevent us from talking, it would GUARANTEE that no patron could possibly be held responsible for spreading COVID.

Problem solved.

Duct tape would end COVID.