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Fake News: Campaign finance laws in Bartigua could be illustrative for US.

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Written by Michael Adler   
Sunday, 21 February 2010 14:27
Page 1 11/17/09
The Gainesville Daily Statement

Campaing finance laws in Bartigua could be illustrative for US.


Michael Adler, Staff Writer
The US Supreme Court announced recently that it will re-hear the case against the McCain-Feingold Campaign Finance Reform law. Now that the court has less of a liberal activist bias, many conservatives hope that it will strike down the obscenity of McCain-Feingold. That law prohibits corporate persons from participating in election campaigns. Opponents of the law lament this grievous infringement of civil rights.

The first time the Court ruled on this law, it ruled that money is property and not speech, and therefore it could be regulated. Lovers of freedom hope that this time, the court will reverse itself, and rule that money used in campaigns is speech, and therefore is protected from regulations by the constitution. Another Country's Supreme Court has already made such a ruling. The Caribbean island nation of Bartigua became the first country in the world, to rule that campaign contributions are speech, when it did so five years ago.

The Gainesville Daily Statement thought we might want to see how the ruling has improved Bartigua in anticipation of similar effects in our own country. We sent our foreign correspondent to Bartigua for this in-depth report.

In 1994, The Supreme Court of The Republic of Bartigua ruled that campaign contributions are speech, and are therefore protected under the Bartiguan constitution's guarantee of freedom of speech. In the proceeding election, corporations decided to “speak” directly to the voters. Most notably, the Exxon corporation, offered a staggering $1,000 to each voter willing to support its cast of candidates.

In total, Exxon spoke 121 million dollars to the Bartiguan electorate. Exxon's favored party, the Bartigua Nationalist Party, swept the legislative and executive branches. Almost immediately, the GDP jumped, mostly from increases in gasoline revenues. Bartigua kicked every oil company except for Exxon out of the country. Exxon promptly raised gas prices to $12/gallon, stimulating the economy.

Another sector of the economy to see a jump from the increased gas prices, is the prison industry. Bartiguan prisons are doing a brisk business in gasoline smugglers. Also, as it turns out, Bartiguan inmates have proven remarkably well suited to some of the more dangerous jobs in oil drilling, which is another growth industry in Bartigua. All of Bartigua's coral filled territorial waters have been leased to Exxon for oil and gas drilling, which is progressing efficiently, using low-cost prison labor.

One industry that has not fared well under the Nationalists is tourism. Once a mainstay of the Bartiguan economy, tourism has suffered as visitors dislike the views of oil derricks out at sea. The industry was further damaged when one of the drilling platforms spilled 40,000 gallons of oil, during an unfortunate incident in which the military was called in to put down a prisoner revolt. The once pristine beaches are now covered with oil and dead fish.

Fishing is another industry that has declined under Nationalist rule. Bartigua used to export 57 million pounds of fish per year from its fertile reefs, but the fleets of ships were grounded by the high gas prices. Even if the gas prices come down, the oil spill damaged much of the fishery.

Bartiguan politicians have already begun campaigning for the 2010 elections. Many Bartiguans are putting their hopes for a better tomorrow in the opposition Republican party, which is being funded by Mobil, a subsidiary of Exxon. The republican party is promising to lower gasoline prices, and is offering a staggering $1,500 per vote for their slate of candidates.

Bartiguan citizen Mariana Ortiz is one such supporter. She was laid off from her job as a hotel worker, and her husband was a fisherman. Their 21 year old son was imprisoned for smuggling gasoline from neighboring Grenada. Their 16 year old daughter has resorted to prostitution in order to support the family. “There are no jobs here any more” said Ortiz. “The $1,500 from the Republican party could feed us for half a year (if I only shop at Walmart). What other choice do I have but to vote for them? Besides, I support their platform of lowering gas prices.”

Back in the United States, The Supreme Court is generally expected to do the right thing and support the Freedom of Speech for corporations. That is because if they didn't expect to overturn the previous ruling, there would be no reason to rehear the case. Our look at the progress in Bartigua will hopefully foretell some of the improvements that will come to our own country.




Notice: This is not spam. Spam comes in cans and is yucky stuff made from the offal of pigs. This is political satire, only partially derived from pigs. Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. If you did, you are probably cynical and dejected about the state of the world. If you know any other such people who could use a laugh, please fwd this to them. All previous stories are viewable at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/GDS-list/ If you are getting this as a fwd and want to be on my mailing list, Subscribe to it by sending an e-mail to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it If you are a state-worshiping fascist/republican who thinks I should be publicly disemboweled for writing such blasphemy, you may Unsubscribe by sending an e-mail to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it


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