Written by Michael Adler   

Page 1 3/16/09
The Gainesville Daily Statement

TSA announces new screening procedures, in aftermath of Rectal Bomber incident


Everyone remembers the attempted bombing of U.S. Air flight 300 on President Lincoln's birthday (Feb 12) by the man who has come to be known as "The Rectal Bomber." Ubdul Muhmoud bin Ul-Furuk, a native of Indonesia, was already famous for holding the record for the most letter "U"s in his name. He was apprehended by passengers while trying to light his rectum on fire, or, more specifically, a short wick protruding from it, through a hole in his pants. The Rectal Bomber had a condom filled with an explosive powder hidden in his lower intestines. The matches, which had also been hidden in his rectum, had become damp and failed to light.

The Dependa-Light Match Company, manufacturer of the supposedly waterproof matches, issued statement saying the company never claimed its matches were rectum-proof.

Patriotic American Bubba McGraw, was credited with having saved the airplane. He was seated next to Ul-Furuk, when he noticed something strange. "At first, I thought he was just some frat guy trying to light his farts, but then I got to thinking. What if his fart lights the seat on fire? And you ever smelled one-o-those burnt farts? Man that’s almost worse than a unburned fart."

In response to the new threat of passengers hiding explosives in their rectums, the Transportation Safety Administration has announced new security measures. TSA will now require cavity searches of all passengers. In addition, since screeners fingers may not be long enough to find hidden explosives, if they are shoved way up there, TSA screeners will instead use a more well-suited part of the male anatomy.

TSA has negotiated with "Vivid Entertainment", the nation’s largest pornography producer, for access to their male talent, because these actors are better able to maintain their screening equipment in operational readiness. TSA will begin training additional male screeners, but before being hired, they must pass a physical examination for anatomical fitness to the job tasks.




Vivid issued a statement that they were happy to lend their male stars and fluffers in order to keep America safe. "We are willing to make this temporary sacrifice of our productivity, because of our love for our freedom, our country, and its citizens, who have been so good to us over the years, and besides, we can still shoot lesbian films."

The new FAA regulations require that all available orifices be tactilely examined to a minimum depth of six inches. The FAA expects that travelers will get used to the new procedures in time, after all, it’s not much different from how the airlines already treat their passengers.






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