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writing for godot

Ten Signs Your Leggings Are Not Pants

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Written by ElaineDecker   
Sunday, 02 April 2017 06:45

Are you unsure whether the leggings you’re wearing will qualify as pants for United Airlines check-in? Here are ten signs that they will not pass muster for that or any other fashion police scrutiny.

  1. We can read the name of the week on the fanny of your underpants through them.
  2. Your waistband has converted your muffin top into three bagels and another part of your anatomy into two scones.
  3. The color of your leggings starts out black at your ankles, but by the time they reach your thighs, they’re light gray with beige undertones.
  4. We can count the hairs at the first letter of that place where the Village People thought it was fun to stay.
  5. You don’t need to bend over for us to see your plumber’s butt.
  6. You had to pull so hard to get them on that they are now footless, but they didn’t start out that way.
  7. Honey Boo Boo’s fan club elected you president and you aren’t even a member.
  8. Your thighs are still jiggling like Jell-O five minutes after you sit down.
  9. We’re actually grateful that you wore a thong underneath them.
  10. Your smart phone refuses to take a full-body selfie of you and the Geek Squad can’t find a technical explanation.

If you can answer ‘yes’ to any of these criteria, best to change into a pair of blue jeans before you leave for the airport. Or else put on a long tunic from Omar the Tentmaker’s latest fashion catalog. You might find last season’s styles on sale at Walmart.

Copyright 2017 Elaine M. Decker

Article by Elaine M. Decker

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