As a female, I had previously resigned myself to a limited experience of all that life has to offer. This is because I felt that I HAD to be ACCEPTED and APPROVED OF, by my family, by society, etc.

I was willing for most of my life to settle for experiencing life vicariously, through relationships, through a spouse or partner and/or through children or "substitutes" for same.

There is a term for women (mostly) who "settle" for taking a vicarious "walk on the wild side": Hybristofilia. It's a psychological term that is defined as romantic, etc., attraction to "bad boys", "dangerous" men, etc. I am in the process of finding and experiencing my own wild and/or dark side validity for myself, and wow what a "ride"!

I finally have an "inkling", a miniscule opening into what all my "intrusive thoughts" and self criticizing consciousness is all about. My so called "intrusive thoughts" (labelled as such by a patriarchal system that unrealistically assigns only goodness and light as appropriate to females, especially caucasian females) were telling me to be all I could be, to go beyond social and culturally constructed "identity", to be limitless!

All my life I thought I was afraid of being abandoned. My Mom used to threaten to "give me away to the Gypsies"! Then I only wanted to please others, because I felt unworthy of even HAVING a self TO please. I was so DISCIPLINED and REPRESSED and I was especially DRAMATIC and EGOTISTICAL. Now in a breakthrough of sorts, a paradigm shift, that was years in the making, I want to BE my own "dark side"!

I have learned that I can do this without any violence and or force, and I am trying to be my nonviolent dark side without any ego and or drama (save whatever is necessary in order to physically survive, that is). I believe I CAN accomplish this and I accept any and all repercussions. Ironically the temproary(?) results ARE that which I once feared, namely, being abandoned, isolated, by family, friends, etc.

However, instead of fearing my isolation, I am revelling in it, because I have myself, my WHOLE "dark and light side" self to BE with and that wholeness is all I need and more than I can ever ask for! Besides I am now making new friends, and because I finally have self confidence, I am very discriminating, but in a good, oops, I mean in a light AND dark way!