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Borowitz writes: "'Politicians pose no danger to the public if used correctly,' said Mr. LaPierre, who claims to have over two hundred politicians in his personal collection."

Wayne LaPierre, CEO of the National Rifle Association. (photo: AP/Alex Brandon)
Wayne LaPierre, CEO of the National Rifle Association. (photo: AP/Alex Brandon)



N.R.A. Defends Right to Own Politicians

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

30 January 13

 

n testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee today, National Rifle Association C.E.O. Wayne LaPierre warned that the N.R.A. would vigorously oppose any legislation that "limits the sale, purchase, or ownership of politicians."

"Politicians pose no danger to the public if used correctly," said Mr. LaPierre, who claims to have over two hundred politicians in his personal collection. "Everyone hears about the bad guys in Congress. Well, the only thing that stops a bad guy with a vote is a good guy with a vote. I'm proud to be the owner of many of those guys."

Mr. LaPierre's comments drew a sharp rebuke from Carol Foyler, a politician-control advocate who has spent the past twelve years lobbying for stricter limits on the sale of politicians.

"Right now, a man like Wayne LaPierre can walk right into Congress and buy any politician he wants," she said. "There's no background check, no waiting period. And so hundreds of politicians are falling into the hands of people who are unstable and, quite frankly, dangerous."

In addition to limiting the sale of politicians, Ms. Foyler said, it is time for society to take a look at the "sheer number" of politicians in the U.S.: "There's no doubt that we would be safer if there were fewer of them."

For his part, the N.R.A. leader ended his testimony by serving notice that he would "resist any attempt" to take away the hundreds of elected officials he says are legally his.

As if to illustrate that point, he clutched Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-Iowa) close to his chest and bellowed, "From my cold, dead hands."

 

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-137 # BobbyLip 2013-01-30 14:20
The problem with Borowitz is that he hit upon a formula years ago and has never changed. Read one, you've read them all. Mildly amusing at best. Mark Twain he isn't. A waste of time he is.
 
 
+76 # Trueblue Democrat 2013-01-30 15:52
A good laugh is never a waste of time.

In fact it's therapeutic. Try it. Maybe you'll like it.
 
 
+46 # Mike Farrace 2013-01-30 16:02
Who cares? It's good stuff. With a little animation, this could go big on YouTube.
 
 
+16 # bmiluski 2013-01-31 12:05
If you don't like his columns then why do you read them? Do you have some sort of mental condition that prompts you to read things that you find boring?
 
 
+91 # DaveM 2013-01-30 14:50
Ah, if only this were not a parody. One would have to give the NRA credit for being honest, possibly unique among lobbying groups.
 
 
+137 # MidwestTom 2013-01-30 15:08
Politicians should be forced to wear uniforms, like NASCAR, with their sponsors labels. This would definitely help in understanding why they vote.
 
 
+57 # Ray Kondrasuk 2013-01-30 15:11
Andy doesn't mention the specifications of LaPierre's collection of politicians.

High or low caliber? Easily silenced? Illuminating flashes readily suppressed? Offices stocked with dum-dum magazines? Clearly bored? Like Newt, are they lover-action? Or like Mitt, do they complain of the achey-47? Gerrymandered to have a glock on re-election?

C'mon, Andy...
 
 
+29 # cherylpetro 2013-01-30 15:13
So our vote obviously means NOTHING! That is a perversion of our government! LaPierre wants Nazi Germany, not the USA!
 
 
+63 # HerbR 2013-01-30 15:30
Nobody could possibly stand comparison with Twain. Unique is unique. Borowitz needs no such treatment. Keep it up, Andy !!
 
 
-42 # dick 2013-01-30 16:03
I thought Wall St. OWNED Obama, most politicians.
 
 
+24 # reiverpacific 2013-01-30 20:10
Quoting dick:
I thought Wall St. OWNED Obama, most politicians.

What the hell has that got to do with this little light hearted piece?
 
 
+2 # rockieball 2013-02-02 18:29
reiverpacific, most uptight rights have a very hard time in recognition of satire and humor.
 
 
+36 # reiverpacific 2013-01-30 16:36
I think this is a pretty god parody on the NRA and gun lobby set of clichés and he has a fairly wide repertoire of other material too.
Any comparison to mark twain is ludicrous. It's like comparing Billy Connoly to Chaucer, who could be pretty bawdy and hilarious for his time.
Anybody who criticizes this very brief piece, well let's hear some gems from YOUR font of comedic treasures. Remember, "The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up". Mark Twain.
 
 
+3 # reiverpacific 2013-01-31 13:17
Quoting reiverpacific:
I think this is a pretty god parody on the NRA and gun lobby set of clichés and he has a fairly wide repertoire of other material too.
Any comparison to mark twain is ludicrous. It's like comparing Billy Connoly to Chaucer, who could be pretty bawdy and hilarious for his time.
Anybody who criticizes this very brief piece, well let's hear some gems from YOUR font of comedic treasures. Remember, "The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up". Mark Twain.

Sorry, "good" not god and capital omissions.
I keep having to apologize for my crappy, dysfunctional typing. I'm really not as goofy as I seem.
 
 
+31 # JetpackAngel 2013-01-30 16:42
Wow, for a second there I thought I was still reading The Onion. This was great.
 
 
+34 # roger paul 2013-01-30 17:05
Wayne LaPierre should consider shorting his name to just "John" considering all the whoring he does in Congress.
 
 
+23 # tm7devils 2013-01-30 17:25
His statement was correct as far as it went, i.e., a politician who is owned is a good politician...he left off the ending: ...as long as that politician is owned by the people who elected him/her. What a difference a few words make!
I wonder...does owning infer slavery? Do we now need an 'Emancipation Proclamation' for our congressmen who are 'owned' by various moneyed interests.
We could use another "Lincoln" right about now.
 
 
+11 # BlueReview 2013-01-30 18:14
Is it slavery if they're owned because they sold themselves? Or should I say, sold their souls?
 
 
+7 # Kimberly999 2013-01-30 18:18
This reminds me of P.J.O'Rourke's book about congress called the Parliament of Whores...what a crack up!
 
 
-28 # cherylpetro 2013-01-30 18:23
I see no reason for fake news! How is it helpful? I want my news separate from real news, to avoid confusion! I know it might sound far fetced to some, but actually, how far from the truth is it really?
 
 
+8 # Texas Aggie 2013-01-30 23:32
If I didn't know that Andy Borowitz had written it, I could have believed it. La Pierre would be stupid enough to actually say something like that. Like you said, how far from the truth is it? Not too far.
 
 
+8 # sandyclaws 2013-01-31 08:18
FOX news has been doing fake news for years. It worked for a while but even the duped finally figure out they are being scammed after a while. But this article is just a little exaggeration of reality. Don't worry, as blatant as these people are they will be talking like this for real in just a few years and won't care if we don't wise up!
 
 
-19 # cherylpetro 2013-01-30 18:27
I see no reason for fake newsto be in with real news! How is it helpful? I want my comedy news separate from real news, to avoid confusion! I know it might sound far fetched to some, but actually, how far from the truth is it really?
 
 
+5 # cherylpetro 2013-01-30 18:30
We know the Koch Brothers started and fund the Tea Party, just to stall progress in the government! How are they allowed to do that?
 
 
+2 # BobboMax 2013-01-31 23:18
The exquisite part of the Koch Brother's effort is that they've structured it so it's tax-deductible, that is to say, so you and I subsidize their propaganda with our taxes.
 
 
+20 # Working Class 2013-01-30 19:12
The hypocrisy is that those who sponsor gun shows don’t allow their patrons to carry loaded guns into the show, let alone a concealed one. The promoters cite safety as the reason they don’t want loaded or concealed guns at their shows. One has to wonder if the officials at the NRA allow people to carry loaded, concealed guns into the meetings where they are speaking.
 
 
+20 # allie 2013-01-30 19:37
The Borowitz Report is satire, not fact, and written as such. The nonsense on Fox News reports satire as fact.
 
 
+16 # Betty Bimbalina 2013-01-30 21:35
Does anyone know the entry level price to purchase a politician?
Are there quantity discounts for say the entire House?
 
 
+4 # witzperson 2013-01-30 22:27
The NRA's pollis, many if not most, most if not all, represent the NRA and its ilk. Nobody else.
 
 
+5 # wwway 2013-01-31 14:11
Those members of the NRA who answer polsters revealing that more than 70% of them support gun regulations like background checks and closing loopholes don't seem to be willing to reveal themselves publicly. They show up at rallys for gun rights but never show their faces for regulations. Something's wrong here.
 
 
0 # cherylpetro 2013-02-02 00:19
Really, what is the point of the fake news story mixed in with real news stories? Is it to confuse people? Is the purpose to spread lies? There is enough bad to say about this ass, we don't need to fictionalize it! It gives him more ammunition to say people are spreading lies about him! Leave the jokes for the comedy clubs! We don't need more confused people out there!
 
 
-1 # cherylpetro 2013-02-02 01:59
http://www.cnn.com/2012/09/28/world/iran-news-agency-duped/index.html
 

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