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Borowitz writes: "Attempting to quell criticism of his proposal for a limited military mission in Syria, President Obama floated a more modest strategy today, saying that any U.S. action in Syria would have 'no objective whatsoever.'"

President Barack Obama speaks to supporters during a campaign fundraiser in Denver, 05/23/12. (photo: AP)
President Barack Obama speaks to supporters during a campaign fundraiser in Denver, 05/23/12. (photo: AP)


Obama Promises Syria Strike Will Have No Objective

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

30 August 13

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

 

ttempting to quell criticism of his proposal for a limited military mission in Syria, President Obama floated a more modest strategy today, saying that any U.S. action in Syria would have "no objective whatsoever."

"Let me be clear," he said in an interview on CNN. "Our goal will not be to effect régime change, or alter the balance of power in Syria, or bring the civil war there to an end. We will simply do something random there for one or two days and then leave."

"I want to reassure our allies and the people of Syria that what we are about to undertake, if we undertake it at all, will have no purpose or goal," he said. "This is consistent with U.S. foreign policy of the past."

While Mr. Obama clearly hoped that his proposal of a brief and pointless intervention in Syria would reassure the international community, it immediately drew howls of protest from U.S. allies, who argued that two days was too open-ended a timeframe for such a mission.

That criticism led White House spokesman Jay Carney to brief reporters later in the day, arguing that the President was willing to scale down the U.S. mission to "twenty-four hours, thirty-six tops."

"It may take twenty-four hours, but it could also take twelve," Mr. Carney said.

"Maybe we get in there, take a look around, and get out right away. But however long it takes, one thing will not change: this mission will have no point. The President is resolute about that."


 

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+37 # Milarepa 2013-08-30 11:10
Makes sense, Andy. That's probably just what's gonna happen - a little more or a little less. The POTUS has become awfully predictable.
 
 
+68 # MEBrowning 2013-08-30 11:12
Given the nation's record of military intervention over the last half century, this doesn't sound at all like satire.
 
 
+21 # chomper2 2013-08-30 12:41
Yes indeed! Are you sure Borowitz is a satirist? Yet, the get in and out quick thingy sounds a little fishy in lieu of our past performance.
 
 
+45 # Michael Lee Bugg 2013-08-30 11:19
I must say, an attack on Syria, no matter what foolish thing he said a few weeks ago about a line in the sand, is nothing but lose, lose, lose, lose... I'm beginning to wonder if he is really GWB's half brother? Syria's neighbors are the ones who should be taking care of this mess, not US! The only "benefit" to US is that BHO maintains his "credibility". That is like Bush's (actually Rumsfeld's but Bush was the "decider") rationale before invading Iraq in 2003, "We had all of those soldiers over there so we HAD to use them!"
 
 
+42 # Rita Walpole Ague 2013-08-30 11:23
Sect. of State Kerry is now finishing his attempt, via a televised speech, to cripple us with MSD - manipulation, spin, distraction - and push us into this, yet another war for $$$$$ into the pockets of the villainaires.

We, the U.S. of (greed and power) A.(ddiction), creates and for years has created and used chemical WMD. Very profitable for you know who. Could this not be the truthful reason that we are not leading the entire world, including ourselves, into no use whatsoever, by any nation whatsoever, in use of these 'power over all' tools, manufactured with great profit by the MITC - military, industrial, terrorism complex.

Is it not far more reasonable and compassionate to jump into the lead of END ENDLESS WAR, rather than bomb/blast Syria, killing even more civilians, including kids? Sorry, Oh Bomb Ah, Kerry, et. al., you pol. clowns, certainly including George 'W' can fool us no longer. Fool us once, shame on you, fool us twice, shame on us, fool us endlessly, here comes revolution, along with impeachment of Oh Bomb Ah.
 
 
+23 # SMoonz 2013-08-30 11:59
Here is a new bombshell from AP news writer Dave Gavlak. The Syrian rebels have admitted they were behind the attack and not the Syrian govt. It's a story that needs to be shared.

http://voiceofrussia.com/news/2013_08_30/Syrian-rebels-take-responsibility-for-the-chemical-attack-admitting-the-weapons-were-provided-by-Saudis-1203/?from=menu
 
 
-6 # Timaloha 2013-08-30 17:25
From Voice of Russia, huh? I guess it MUST be true. It's not like Russia has any interest in Syria or anything.
 
 
+4 # Activista 2013-08-31 00:18
voiceofrussia.com
would never imagine that I would ever believe Russian propaganda to Kerry/Israeli war propaganda.
How low USA government sinked ...
 
 
-5 # Timaloha 2013-08-30 17:33
The article claims that rebels accidentally set off a chemical weapon inside a tunnel and that resulted in the mass casualties. The problem with that claim is that there were eleven SEPARATE rocket impact sites where gas was released.
 
 
+1 # Activista 2013-08-31 00:11
"there were eleven SEPARATE rocket impact sites where gas was released"
I thought that there were only 10 SEPARATE rocket impact sites where gas was released.
thank you for correcting the statistics - now I am convinced that we have to bomb all Assads, including unborn - as WSJ/Israel recommends - Stephens: Target Assad
online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424127887323407104579036740023927518.html?mod=WSJ_Opinion_LEADTop
 
 
-2 # Timaloha 2013-08-31 09:44
Whether it's ten or eleven, it's not ONE, as the article claims. Therefore, even if there WAS a rebel munitions-handl ing accident, there was still a large scale, coordinated rocket/artiller y barrage of a scale of which the rebels are incapable. The only force in the region with that capability is the Syrian army. I'm not advocating any US military action by pointing this out. I'm just challenging the veracity of the article which was written for an audience in a nation which is hostile to the US and which has a military and commercial interest in maintaining Assad's regime regardless of the number or scope of the atrocities that regime commits.
 
 
+4 # Activista 2013-08-31 16:10
"The only force in the region with that capability is the Syrian army" AND ISRAEL.
Now follow Israel war propaganda and acts.
Israel bombed Damascus 3 x within the last 12 months ...
 
 
+1 # Timaloha 2013-08-30 18:34
BTW, it's not DAVE Gavlak. It's DALE Gavlak, and the Associated Press has released a statement that Gavlak, although an AP correspondent, has published her article independently and it is NOT being run under the AP banner.
 
 
+8 # SMoonz 2013-08-30 11:53
IMPEACH!
 
 
+23 # great_pumpkin 2013-08-30 11:59
It will have no purpose or goal that the adminstration is willing to tell the public about, anyway.
 
 
-4 # indian weaver 2013-08-31 06:06
Obama wants everyone to die in Syria so amerika can take its natural resources and open another Green Zone for control of the country. It's all in wishing and hoping for another country's wealth which first requires eradication of the population. We did this to 15 million native americans, trying still in Iraq and Afghanistan, on and on. No objective except wealth for the 1%, good enough for Obama to slaughter, torture and assassinate another million or so innocent people.
 
 
+6 # James Marcus 2013-08-30 12:26
A Mass Murderer, by definition.
Very Simple.
Impeach.
Try, for both, War Crimes Against humanity,
and Treason against the United States Constitution.
 
 
+8 # indian weaver 2013-08-30 15:21
Obama and dubya / dick the prick are deserving of death by hanging at The Hague's War Crimes Tribunal. The entire universe would finally have something to celebrate.
 
 
+21 # Wordslinger 2013-08-30 12:48
Borowitz should be arrested, waterboarded and then interrogated by unnamed agents of our government, preceding a treason trial. His statement isn't comedic satire, it's a genuine leak about our continuing Top Secret policy to ignore any sense of reality in our Foreign Affairs. We did liberate Iraq, right? And we're working to bring the poor, Islamic citizenry a true and just democratic government under the leadership of our ally, President Hamid Karzai. We saved Egypt from an elected government, right? And look how well Libya has recovered -- after we helped pay for Gaddafi's downfall. And we're continuing to protect at any cost the sometime-Wahabb i Monarchy in Saudi Arabia, our brothers in the never-ending war against Iranians who want to profit from Iranian oil.

In addition to cleaning out the State Department and all its employees, may I also suggest the following non-productive governmental agencies be eliminated:

NSA, TSA, CIA, FBI, DEA, CONGRESS ... ETC.
 
 
+9 # tomo 2013-08-30 19:27
Looks to me you have a gift for satire to rival Borowitz's. I responded with a wince to every sarcastic word. The terrible truth though is that unilateral interventions of the sort we are evidently about to undertake are historically accompanied by corpses everywhere.
 
 
+6 # tigerlille 2013-08-30 12:54
Brilliant.
 
 
+11 # Sully747 2013-08-30 13:00
This is NOT satire...
 
 
+12 # phrixus 2013-08-30 13:05
"...no objective whatsoever."

Pretty consistent with the rest of his presidency.
 
 
+7 # Rich Austin 2013-08-30 13:39
This is fucked-up!

Satire has its place. It ain't now.

I'm reminded of the bobbing heads of the Washington Press Corps who chortled like trained seals when Rumsfeld cracked jokes while people where dying in Iraq.

The only intervention in Syria must be that undertaken by a UN peacekeeping force. It must be proportionally representative and not front-loaded with US troops.

Mr. President, Thatcher waged war (the Falklands) when her popularity waned, and ditto George H.W. Bush in Iraq. In addition, an enormous amount of revenue was wasted on wars rather than used to humanely fund essential human services. We've been there and done that. You can fool all the people half the time, and half the people all the time, just not this time!
 
 
+11 # pappajohn 2013-08-30 15:34
Wrongo, Richo!

Satire is the purest form of dissent. Don't dignify the absurd with serious consideration-- point out that they are just a bunch of boobs, or perhaps that they are manipulated by the unseen hand. Either way, when no one takes them seriously anymore, they might have to change their ways!

Arguing sense with them hasn't worked, has it? (See millions of protesters prior to Iraq, 9% in favor of Syria, etc.)

Otherwise why would the guy that argued against the justification of Iraq be using the exact same argument now? How could he have that much gall?
 
 
+1 # indian weaver 2013-08-31 06:09
Obama is a pathological psychopathic liar. He apparently has no self respect, and thinks folks actually believe what he says. I believe most of the reading world now laughs derisively when Obama opens his mouth, ignore and turn him off. Why waste time watching or listening to anything he says? I suppose that is necessary for us to defend ourselves from this homicidal maniac and War Criminal, horrible person he is.
 
 
+9 # fredboy 2013-08-30 13:45
Love it! Let's just do it for the hell of it.
 
 
+4 # seeuingoa 2013-08-30 14:24
no objective what so ever !

and what does that mean ?

no meaning ?????
 
 
+5 # CoyoteMan50 2013-08-30 15:22
I didn't support the first Iraq war, the 2nd or the Afghan war.
I don't this silly idea either. But you have to remember the Military-Indust rial complex needs the money and so does Wall Street to it off to bloody war we go.
Power tends to corrupt - Lord Acton.
 
 
+5 # Kev C 2013-08-30 16:23
'No objective whatsoever'.
So why bother to waste taxpayers dollars and peoples time and peoples lives for 'No objective (reason) whatsoever'?

Got to feed the military industrial complexes appetite for more weapons development and more military hardware sales and the ultimate development of more ways to kill someone.

Don't you just love being yanks.
 
 
+13 # USA2012??? 2013-08-30 16:24
Just how is a strike against Syria going to be paid for when members of Congress plan to shut down the Government? How is it there seemingly is funding for war, but not to run the country?

By the way, if these bozo's shut down the government they can't possibly expect to be paid, so their paychecks stop as well as anyone else who paycheck is going to be affected by this act of extortion.
 
 
+11 # Harbinger 2013-08-30 20:22
Are you trying to rival Borowitz for satire?

Compared to the bribes . . . uh . . . campaign contributions and miscellaneous gratuities, a congressman's paycheck is merely pocket money.
 
 
+10 # walt 2013-08-30 17:08
Obama is a comedian too and a pawn of the lobby that pressures him into more war. The majority of people say no, but he says he'll go it alone.

Is this the guy many of us campaigned for? Oops!
 
 
+9 # oakes721 2013-08-30 18:50
Hey, give the guy some credit! He's keeping a straight face (even looking quite solemn about it) while slicing the underbelly of the Constitution. They say that the same facial muscles are used when either laughing or crying. Satire allows a little of both to be expressed. Prepare to be FORCE-FED another excuse for mass murder for weapons sales and oil control.
 
 
+11 # RMDC 2013-08-30 18:53
Impeach the bastards -- Kerry and Obama.


I watched Kerry's speech and felt sick at his logic. So if Kerry is right, why not bomb the Bush and Cheney compounds for all the depleted uranium, white phosphorus, and fuel-air bombs they used in Afghanistan and Iraq. Cheney and Bush killed millions of people with chemical weapons. Why not bomb them -- or just bomb randomly in Texas to show them that the United States will not stand for the use of chemical weapons.
 
 
+10 # RMDC 2013-08-30 18:57
Obama has successfully driven the NSA stories out of the news. This may be his real intention in bombing Syria -- protect the NSA and its secret mission to collect the communications of everyone on earth.
 
 
+5 # tomo 2013-08-30 19:21
Like many former Democrats, I campaigned for Obama in 2008. He looked nice. He still looks nice. The big problem: he is not nice at all. He's a master of straight-faced hypocrisy. As for the Kerry argument: personally I'm prepared to believe Asad used nerve gas. Or maybe his opposition did and worked to make it look like the act was his. But how does the Kerry case, taking it at face value, lead to the conclusion that it's time for us to start bombing Syria?
 
 
-1 # Activista 2013-08-30 23:56
Will be this a first time when the Nobel Peace and War Criminal laureates are honored on the same person?
 
 
+3 # Dion Giles 2013-08-30 19:36
In the Soviet Empire, political truth had be told through jokes. The Samizdat had it down to a fine art. "The Italian Carabinieri patrol in pairs - one can read and one can write. In Russia the police patrol in threes - one can read, one can write and one goes along to watch the two intellectuals". Or, when the Soviet government was allowing "reform", reformers were urged to keep it even-handed and not go too far. "Even-handed as between the fire engine and the fire."

Under American fascism humour looks like again becoming the safer language of dissent.
 
 
+1 # Activista 2013-08-30 23:53
Andy Borowitz is saying the same as McCain - vai satire - Obama should:
régime change
alter the balance of power in Syria, bring the civil war there to an end
War in Syria is Israel proxy war against Iran - from Israel, by Israel, for Israel
 
 
+2 # aljoschu 2013-08-31 07:12
Quotation: "... what we are about to undertake, if we undertake it at all, will have no purpose or goal ..."

If, what you are going to undertake, does not have any purpose or goal - then just don't do it.

Genocide and homicide are even illegal and unethical even with a purpose or goal.
 
 
+6 # keenon the truth 2013-08-31 10:54
I have come to the conclusion, after a year of following RSN, that satire is a rather foreign concept to some Americans -- Smile.
 
 
+3 # billeeboy 2013-08-31 10:17
Ever since the American spectacular and expensive defeat in Vietnam the US has spent billions of dollars and millions of lives to unsuccessfully control the mineral wealth and geopolitical usefulness of Iraq and then Afghanistan. However, despite such "investment" both Iraq and Afghanistan are going to implode within the next couple of years. The only ones to benefit from these these wars are the defense contractors and the 1% who are their stockholders! Now Obama wants to become directly involved in Syria, already imploding as a result of internal tensions. America's enthusiasm for warmongering would be very different if its army were composed of draftees rather than those young people forced into the army as their only option other than joblessness. Very sad..........
 
 
-2 # FDRva 2013-08-31 21:39
Andy's joke is good --and it is on us.

The nuclear-armed Russians prefer not to have destabilization on their southern border--just like we Americans.

If Pres. Obama & Sen. McCain want to go forward with a Syrian war--surely they wouldn't object to any Russian military action in Mexico, right?

The logic is the same. Syria is Russia's 'Mexico.'

President Putin looks a lot more sane than Obama and McCain.
 
 
+3 # Depressionborn 2013-09-01 07:48
A 93-Year-Old Prophecy Comes To Pass

H.L. Mencken (born 1880 - died 1956) was a journalist, satirist, critic, and Democrat. He wrote this editorial while working for the Baltimore Evening Sun, which appeared in the July 26, 1920, edition:

"As democracy is perfected, the office of the President represents more and more closely the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day, the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be occupied by a downright fool and complete narcissistic moron."

---H.L. Mencken, The Baltimore Evening Sun, July 26, 1920
 
 
+2 # Chrisp 2013-09-01 23:14
The goal of attacking Syria is to draw Iran into war.
The Rothchilds Central Banks are in every major country, but, three countries around the world.
The three countries include Cuba, North Korea, and Iran.
Before the Iraqui War was started, there were some 7 countries lacking the Central Banking System.
This system is ruling the world and will be the end goals of ruling the world.
The next item required to rule the world, is to control the world's natural resouces. No country can sustain economic control of itself without printing it's own money, and be able to utilize its own natural resources.
The Middle East has control of its natural resources and ONLY Iran has control of printing and controling its own monies, and thus, one of their main enemies.
Africa and its diamonds are proof of this. African countries are in poverty and it's people starving, in spite of its wealth in diamonds.
The New World Order Will soon control the world.
That is why America is its policemen. We follow their directions to accomplish their agendas.
 
 
+1 # Depressionborn 2013-09-03 19:15
Yep, Mr Chrisp,2013-09- 01 21:14,

you nailed it.
 

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