President Sends Six-Page Letter of Randomly Capitalized Ranting to Speaker of the House

By Ben Mathis-Lilley, Slate

18 December 19

s the Framers intended, the executive branch and the legislative branch are currently engaged in a judicious dance of checks and balances related to the question of whether it is acceptable to have your weird lawyer blackmail Ukraine into investigating Joe Biden. On Tuesday, President Trump made his case in a lengthy letter to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. If you’ve ever wondered what Twitter would look like if the character limit ran to six pages, here it is:

Some highlights: 

• “You have cheapened the importance of the very ugly word, impeachment!” 


• “Even worse than offending the Founding Fathers, you are offending Americans of faith by continually saying ‘I pray for the President,’ when you know this statement is not true, unless it is meant in a negative sense.” 


• “President Zelensky has repeatedly declared that I did nothing wrong, and that there was No Pressure.” 


• “House Democrats introduced the first impeachment resolution against me within months of my inauguration, for what will be regarded as one of our country’s best decisions, the firing of James Comey (see Inspector General Reports)—who the world now knows is one of the dirtiest cops our Nation has ever seen.” 


• “[Rep. Adam Schiff’s] shameless lies and deceptions, dating all the way back to the Russia Hoax, is one of the main reasons we are here today.” 


• “You completely failed with the Mueller report because there was nothing to find, so you decided to take the next hoax that came along, the phone call with Ukraine—even though it was a perfect call.” 


• “Once I presented the transcribed call, which surprised and shocked the fraudsters (they never thought that such evidence would be presented), the so-called whistleblower, and the second whistleblower, disappeared because they got caught, their report was a fraud, and they were no longer going to be made available to us.” 


• Just the general excitement of knowing that the president has trouble writing down thoughts, even when they’re thoughts he’s already had repeated to him hundreds of times by loyalists in Congress and prime-time Fox hosts. 

Well, that’s it for Tuesday! Tomorrow, Wednesday, will also probably be bad. 

Perfect! Good stuff!