On Roy Moore and His "Christian Values"

By Jimmy Kimmel, The Washington Post

02 December 17

oy Moore is this guy running for Senate in Alabama, even though multiple women accused him of hitting on them, groping them, etcetera, before they were 18 years old. Well, Roy Moore is not happy with me.

What happened was, they had a rally for Roy Moore at a church in Theodore, Alabama, last night. Roy is running against someone, who, as far as I know hasn’t been accused of child molesting, a guy named Doug Jones. The election is on December 12. Somehow, according to these new polls they released this week, Roy Moore leads Doug Jones by five or six points, which doesn’t say a lot for Doug. Even though Roy Moore was reportedly so creepy around young girls, he was banned from the mall in Gadsden, Alabama.

Imagine getting banned from the mall. Just think about that. No Hot Dog on a Stick for you. So they had a rally for Roy, and a number of his supporters were there and one of them just happened to be our friend Jake Byrd, who — Jake Byrd is a character who has a Forrest Gump-like knack for showing up at all the big events. If you’re not familiar with his work, this is Jake at a Donald Trump rally in Dallas in 2015. (https://www.facebook.com/RealTruthNow/videos/1008312835888051/)

He’s very passionate. So Jake got on a plane and went to Alabama last night, and apparently there was an incident that resulted in him getting kicked out of the rally. We’ll show you all the footage of that later. But apparently the commotion touched a nerve because today, Roy Moore lashed out at me.

He wrote, “Jimmy Kimmel, if you want to mock our Christian values, come down here to Alabama and do it man to man.” I responded and he responded back and I responded again; it’s all on Twitter.

But the bottom line is this: I accept the invitation. I will come down there. What I’m going to do is — I think you’re actually going to like this, Roy. I’m going to come to Gadsden, Alabama, with a team of high school cheerleaders, okay? We’ll meet you at the mall. Don’t worry, I can get you in.

And then when the girls and I show up, if you can control yourself and behave, if you can somehow manage to keep little Roy in your little cowboy pants when those nubile cheerleaders come bounding in, you and I, we’ll sit down at the food court, we’ll have a little Panda Express and we’ll talk about Christian values.

Because, and I don’t know, it doesn’t fit your stereotype — but I happen to be a Christian, too. I made my first Holy Communion; I was confirmed; I pray; I support my church; one of my closest friends is a priest; I baptized my children. Christian is actually my middle name. I know that’s shocking, but it’s true.

So if you’re open to it, when we sit down, I will share with you what I learned at my church. At my church, forcing yourself on underaged girls is a no-no. Some even consider it to be a sin. Not that you did that, of course. Allegedly.

But when you commit a sin at our church, at our church we’re encouraged to confess and ask for forgiveness for the sin. Not to call the women you allegedly victimized liars and damage them even more. To confess.

But maybe your church is different. I don’t know. Let’s figure it out together. I’ll be happy to talk it through. I would gladly sit down to interview you about it. Or maybe when you say, “Come to Alabama and we’ll do it man to man,” maybe that means you’re challenging me to a fight, which is kind of what it sounds like. And if you are, I accept, by the way. I accept that invitation. There is no one I would love to fight more than you. I will put my Christian values aside just for you and for that fight.

So if you are challenging me to a fight, here’s what we’ll do. Let’s find a place to do it. I’ll wear a Girl Scout uniform so you can have something to get excited about. And the winner, whoever wins the fight, will give all the money we charge for the tickets to charity. My charity will be the women who came forward to say you molested them, okay? All right, tough guy, with your little pistol?

Roy Moore is never — he’s too scared to even debate the guy he’s running against, Doug Jones. With me he wants to go man to man. Maybe if he went man to man instead of man to little girl, you wouldn’t be in this situation. Allegedly. Allegedly!

I feel sorry for the people in Alabama. I go online, there’s people posting things like this about Alabama: “They falsely accused Jesus! Vote Roy Moore.” Yes, that is completely crazy. But not everyone in Alabama supports this monster. In fact, almost half the people – I remember living in Arizona … I lived in Arizona in the ’80s when Ed Mecham was elected governor. He was a nut. He would have fit right in with these guys today. He won with 40 percent of the vote.

And I was so embarrassed to be from there, to be from the state he was governor of, I felt like I had to explain myself to everyone. I imagine that’s how a lot of people in Alabama feel.

So if you do have that feeling, know that at least here in Hollywood, we don’t hate Alabama. We love Alabama, so much we sent Reese Witherspoon to make a movie about you, okay? We just don’t like alleged child molesters. And we hope you can see your way clear to not electing one to the Senate of the United States of America, that’s all. That seems reasonable, right?

By the way, I understand if you don’t, if you’re a Republican, you don’t want to vote for a Democrat. Just don’t vote, then. You’ll feel better about yourself.