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Keillor writes: "Melania - do you mind if I call you Melania? I assume that you love this guy. I don't, even though Scripture tells me to."

President Donald Trump with First Lady Melania Trump. (photo: Getty)
President Donald Trump with First Lady Melania Trump. (photo: Getty)


Melania, Make Him Stop, Please

By Garrison Keillor, The Washington Post

10 August 17

 

y wife has gone East for a couple weeks and now there is nobody to say, "You're not wearing that tie with that shirt, are you?" Nobody to point discreetly at her left nostril and hand me a tissue. Nobody to remind me of the name of that woman with the glasses (Liz) whom I ought to know — I told my wife, "Her and me went to school together" so that she'd have the satisfaction of saying "She and I." "No," I said, "I don't think you went to our school."

It's a comedy routine when she's around and now it's a lonely monk in his cell, quill pen in hand, making illuminated letters and living in darkness.

At this very moment, if you want to know the truth, the big crisis in my life is the fact that my iPhone has accidentally upgraded itself and I don't know how to downgrade it except by hurling it into the river. My wife would know how to fix this.

Some genius at Apple designed it and now I need a password to make each call or text and the texting screen is odd. Instead of a simple "Send," there is a row of icons. I press one and colored balloons float up in the background, I try another and the phone offers me a choice of cartoons to accompany the text — a ferocious gorilla in a cage, Snow White, a galloping horse — which must be big fun for 5-year-olds, but I'm 75 and I don't need balloons to accompany my texts, and meanwhile the thing keeps asking for my Apple ID verification, which I do not have. This hellish idiocy descended on me suddenly; evidently I clicked on a Yes I shouldn't have clicked on. My wife would know how to do a reset. I'd like to reset the phone with a ball-peen hammer.

Man was not made to live alone. My friend Frank came to visit, who has been divorced for a couple years, and I sat and took issue with him on about half of what he had to say, which required me to lean further to the right than I care to lean, but I did it for his own good and he was grateful for the opposition. He's been alone for a long time, living on love and sympathy, and he needed the boost to self-esteem that comes from someone telling you you're full of prune juice.

This is the American way. Those whom we love, we needle. Better honest skepticism than false piety.

One person can't do it all. I pretty much handle foreign policy issues in our home because I am not inhibited by ignorance, whereas my wife handles science, technology and the arts. She reads science articles in the paper and explains them to me. She tends the plants in the yard and knows their names. She is well-versed on social convention and has sound opinions about music, books and design. The marriage operates on a delicate system of checks and balances. I say, "Let's put a ping-pong table in the living room," and she says, "After I'm gone," and so we don't.

Everyone needs a truth-teller in his life, and truth-tellers are becoming rare. It's the Age of Sensitivity, when we're made to feel that we should be validating each other and not telling someone that his fly is open. Which brings me to the point of this column ("And about time," I can hear her say).

Melania — do you mind if I call you Melania? I assume that you love this guy. I don't, even though Scripture tells me to. A bully and a braggart who is also a liar and somewhat clueless might be lovable if he were a cabdriver, but not a president. But you do, so fine. You owe it to him to tell him, "Darling, you're making an ass of yourself. For the sake of your family, stop." Would you let the man run around in a headdress of flamingo feathers singing the song about each and every highway and byway and not in a shy way with his trousers around his ankles? No, you wouldn't. But that's what's happening now.

You married a New York Democrat and now you're married to Aaron Slick from Punkin Crick. Make him stop. If you can't tell him face to face, try Twitter. A short punchy message will get his attention. Something like "You are dumb enough to be twins. Shut up and be beautiful."


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+67 # dusty 2017-08-10 12:55
Melania probably won't do as you suggest. His antics with nuclear threats have pulled attention away from his no production of tax histories, his appointment of ill qualified press officers, his trouble with Russian relations, and his attacks on the health and welfare of the citizens of the land. So, his diversion is working and why should she stop it?
 
 
+26 # Jaax88 2017-08-10 13:58
All true, but if she wants to be a real American and not eye candy and jewelry for a mad and dangerous boy/man she would.
 
 
+30 # futhark 2017-08-10 18:24
The point of this is, of course, that if one feels real honest affection for another person, you don't let that person harm himself or herself or even harm others, as the consequences are severely negative for his/her reputation.

From my perspective Ms. Trump has a greater burden than most in her spouse selection because Mr. Trump cannot seem to be trained not to Tweet or speak inflammatory and insulting garbage, bringing infamy on the family name and herself by extension. He is a danger to others and himself.

Arrange for him to get psychiatric therapy or at least get him an English tutor so he could be trained to speak complete sentences and use our rich heritage as a hybrid language of French and German to employ more precise terms to convey his meaning.

At present he could accurately be characterized as "one sick puppy". This is a very, very bad thing...and it's not going to stop until someone who cares about him and/or the planet takes decisive action.
 
 
+21 # Ray Kondrasuk 2017-08-10 13:16
Keillor: "I'd like to reset the phone with a ball-peen hammer."

Isn't there an ap for that?
 
 
+1 # kgrad 2017-08-11 07:52
Quoting Ray Kondrasuk:
Keillor: "I'd like to reset the phone with a ball-peen hammer."

Isn't there an ap for that?


;-)... or by stomping on it!
 
 
+18 # elizabethblock 2017-08-10 13:18
Garrison Keillor, whom I regard as a Living National Treasure (the Japanese designate people thus), has explained why I don't have a smart phone.

As for Melania: There's a character in a Saki story who says to another woman, "It's different for you. You're married to him; I'm not. You've sworn to love, honor, and endure him; I haven't."
 
 
+1 # futhark 2017-08-13 11:19
"Garrison Keillor...has explained why I don't have a smart phone."

Hear! Hear! That goes for computers, too, and the interminable "upgrades" that victimize the majority of their users. We get used to our devices as they have been and have learned to control them. Every "upgrade" seems to introduce a new level of complexity that makes what was formerly easy more difficult, all for the benefit of those who use them as toys rather than objects of utility. But that's probably another topic entirely.
 
 
+25 # Jim Armstrong 2017-08-10 13:33
Thanks to Garrison Keillor for writing such truth and good sense.
Thanks to RSN for passing it on.
 
 
+2 # SHK 2017-08-12 00:47
Quoting Jim Armstrong:
Thanks to Garrison Keillor for writing such truth and good sense.
Thanks to RSN for passing it on.
Sooooo, how about we bail out our source of info. What if each user of Reader Supported News, our VERY RELIABLE NEWS WINNOWER-SO-WE- DON'T-HAVE-TO-P LACE, sent them $1? Wouldn't that help keep this wonderful site alive?
 
 
+16 # boomerjim 2017-08-10 14:28
Because Mueller will get his tax returns and other financial records, so find all the crimes Trump committed, so report them, and then Congress will do nothing. So Trump doesn't really need the flamingo feathers (but I do rue the resulting insult to flamingos).
 
 
+26 # ericlipps 2017-08-10 14:33
Nothing short of elephant tranquilizer (in elephant-size doses) and a straitjacket could make Trump stop. If Melania tried, he'd just fire, er, divorce her and then use the powers of the presidency to make her life a living hell.
 
 
+22 # Femihumanist 2017-08-10 14:46
I've long suspected that Melania is a battered woman; if not physically, then psychologically.

However, several times I have read about what "nice" children Cheetohead has. They've always been very polite, well-mannered, well-dressed, not a hair out of shape, not at all blustery and obnoxious but quiet-spoken, etc. It suddenly hit me that they were likely "battered" also; if not physically, then mentally.

Any thoughts on that?
 
 
+6 # Jaax88 2017-08-10 22:29
Probably. With his whacked out character trump no doubt bullied his older boys into submission to be just as he wanted them. I note the both of them look like movie thugs, if not real life mafia, with their greasy, slicked back hair.
 
 
-34 # Depressionborn 2017-08-10 15:50
dusty
Trump is doing what we voted for. sorry.
 
 
+20 # CL38 2017-08-10 23:10
maybe doing what YOU voted for, but I did not.
 
 
-16 # Depressionborn 2017-08-11 09:17
Quoting CL38:
maybe doing what YOU voted for, but I did not.

so am i, CL38. Lower tax, more good jobs, fewer crippling regs and no war planed with Russia.

What's the problem with all that CL? Maybe health care improved too. WOW
 
 
+6 # CL38 2017-08-11 11:59
"so am I" etc. ??

If you're a Trump supporter--and you sound like one--you can't possibly believe Trump's rhetoric about what he 'stands for' when his actions clearly show he's about doing just the opposite.

Take your head out of Trump's rear.
 
 
-5 # Depressionborn 2017-08-11 20:12
Quoting CL38:
"so am I" etc. ??

If you're a Trump supporter--and you sound like one--you can't possibly believe Trump's rhetoric about what he 'stands for' when his actions clearly show he's about doing just the opposite.

Take your head out of Trump's rear.


yet he is sticking to his plan. His actions are not opposite. You deny reality. Why?
 
 
+10 # CL38 2017-08-12 00:50
It seems to be you who is denying reality. I won't list each of Trump's promises, but if you research them, you'll see that he hasn't kept them.
 
 
-3 # Depressionborn 2017-08-12 19:59
Quoting CL38:
It seems to be you who is denying reality. I won't list each of Trump's promises, but if you research them, you'll see that he hasn't kept them.


he is trying. the swamp is not your buddy.
 
 
+11 # kgrad 2017-08-11 07:55
Quoting Depressionborn:
dusty
Trump is doing what we voted for. sorry.


Yeah, I'm sorry too, sorry that you and others voted for him.
 
 
+29 # CL38 2017-08-10 17:49
My guess is that Melania is not much more than a 'trophy' wife.
 
 
+7 # mozartssister 2017-08-12 11:33
Apparently she was asked, "Would you have married him if he weren't rich?" She answered, "Would he have married me if I weren't beautiful?" That's the sum and substance of that relationship, I suspect, with no further honesty to be had.
 
 
+16 # Stilldreamin1 2017-08-10 18:32
Enjoying your work on tRump. Thanks for sticking your head up out of the trenches.
 
 
+6 # Texas Aggie 2017-08-10 21:43
"I assume that you love this guy. "

Why do you assume that? Haven't there been enough videos of her rejecting his "advances?" Do trophy wives marry for love or for material gain? Why should she care about this jerk at all as long as she has access to his bank account?
 
 
+18 # Littlebird 2017-08-10 22:52
Poor Melania, I saw how she was treated by hubby when he went ahead of her up the steps to the White House to greet the leaving President and Mrs. Obama on that sad day. Melania was left behind, struggling with a gift for the Obamas. The leaving president and Mrs. Obama were gracious enough to assist her. Trump shows he is a selfish brute with a bigger ego than he has sense.
 
 
+8 # Wise woman 2017-08-10 22:59
What's this "we sh+t," Depressionborn? Most folks who bothered to vote at all voted for Hillary. Watching trumps fire and fury nonsense, I noticed Melania, who sitting next to him, had drawn herself completely away from him. The body language was unmistakable. Why she stays with him, I think has to do with their son. Once he's off to college, I'm sure she will leave him. Even she has to know he's a loud mouthed dummy.
 
 
-9 # Depressionborn 2017-08-11 20:32
Wise woman 2017-08-10 22:59

I think that quite a few of us voted Trump because government is getting too big and dictatorial and our kids are suffering.
 
 
+11 # CL38 2017-08-10 23:23
I've wondered whether she has been battered, psychologically , too. That video image during his inauguration where he turns around to a smiling Melania & says 'something' to her that leaves her devastated.
 
 
+3 # SHK 2017-08-12 00:55
Quoting CL38:
I've wondered whether she has been battered, psychologically, too.
Wow. Why wonder? He is totally self-involved. Living with him must be the picture of the Biblical Hell. I cannot imagine that all the money in the world would be consolation enough for THAT.
 
 
+3 # jederfr7 2017-08-11 12:07
Lets not forget that with his father they bullied his own brother into the grave ! And any woman admiring this man has to look at how he has treated his wives
 
 
-7 # Depressionborn 2017-08-11 20:56
Posts here seem remarkably argumentum ad hominem, probably because the thinking is remarkably obtuse.
 
 
+2 # Femihumanist 2017-08-12 18:59
Quoting Depressionborn:
Posts here seem remarkably argumentum ad hominem, probably because the thinking is remarkably obtuse.

With your post, I can agree.
 
 
-2 # Depressionborn 2017-08-13 14:17
Quoting Femihumanist:
Quoting Depressionborn:
Posts here seem remarkably argumentum ad hominem, probably because the thinking is remarkably obtuse.

With your post, I can agree.


Femihumanist:
you make my ad hominem point sound weak. I only say gov is too big and dictatorial; the financial system has purchased congress; regs are out of control; jobs are going bad and libs are ruining the country with their hate of the good.
 
 
+2 # bird 2017-08-12 05:21
Garrison, I think your assumption that Melania love's him might be giving her credit just because she is a woman, and so is seen as emotional...I think she is as cold and calculating as he is hostile and reactive....
 
 
+1 # Femihumanist 2017-08-12 19:01
I agree. But that doesn't mean she isn't battered. She knew what she was getting into and accepted it. Their kids couldn't know what they were getting into.
 
 
-1 # Depressionborn 2017-08-13 18:37
# Jaax88 2017-08-12 18:23

"trump damaging america" how so?
 
 
0 # SHK 2017-08-14 00:10
Quoting Depressionborn:
# Jaax88 2017-08-12 18:23

"trump damaging america" how so?


Oh please! Tell me you can't see it and I will tell you you are hopelessly blinded or hopelessly clueless or both times 12.
 
 
-1 # Depressionborn 2017-08-14 13:54
Nope, there is nothing there there or SHK 2017-08-14 00:10 would have mentioned it.

fact would be nice except there aren't any. The only fact I have seen is the action of Dems to stop Trump from improving health care and providing more good jobs.
 

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