RSN Fundraising Banner
FB Share
Email This Page
add comment
Print

Borowitz writes: "In a dramatic announcement from the White House Rose Garden on Thursday, Donald J. Trump pronounced the planet Earth a 'loser' and vowed to make a better deal with a new planet."

Donald Trump announces the U.S. will be leaving the Paris Agreement from the White House Rose Garden. (photo: T. J. Kirkpatrick/Getty)
Donald Trump announces the U.S. will be leaving the Paris Agreement from the White House Rose Garden. (photo: T. J. Kirkpatrick/Getty)


Calling Earth a "Loser," Trump Vows to Make Better Deal With New Planet

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

02 June 17

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."


n a dramatic announcement from the White House Rose Garden on Thursday, Donald J. Trump pronounced the planet Earth a “loser” and vowed to make a better deal with a new planet.

“Earth is a terrible, very bad planet,” he told the White House press corps. “It’s maybe the worst planet in the solar system, and it’s far from the biggest.”

Trump blasted former President Barack Obama for signing deals that committed the United States to remain on the planet Earth indefinitely. “Obama is almost as big a loser as Earth,” Trump said. “If Obama was a planet, guess what planet he’d be? That’s right:

Earth.”

When asked which planet he would make a new deal with, Trump offered few specifics, saying only, “The solar system has millions of terrific planets, and they’re all better than Earth, which is a sick, failing loser.”

Trump’s remarks drew a strong response from one of the United States’ NATO allies, Germany’s Angela Merkel. “I strongly support Donald Trump leaving the planet Earth,” she said.

e-max.it: your social media marketing partner
 

Comments   

A note of caution regarding our comment sections:

For months a stream of media reports have warned of coordinated propaganda efforts targeting political websites based in the U.S., particularly in the run-up to the 2016 presidential election.

We too were alarmed at the patterns we were, and still are, seeing. It is clear that the provocateurs are far more savvy, disciplined, and purposeful than anything we have ever experienced before.

It is also clear that we still have elements of the same activity in our article discussion forums at this time.

We have hosted and encouraged reader expression since the turn of the century. The comments of our readers are the most vibrant, best-used interactive feature at Reader Supported News. Accordingly, we are strongly resistant to interrupting those services.

It is, however, important to note that in all likelihood hardened operatives are attempting to shape the dialog our community seeks to engage in.

Adapt and overcome.

Marc Ash
Founder, Reader Supported News

 
+28 # Wise woman 2017-06-02 19:23
What can one even add to this? Nothing. So I won't! It's perfect.
 
 
+34 # Gootarama 2017-06-02 21:55
Let's send him to Mars-a-Lago.
 
 
+33 # Salus Populi 2017-06-02 22:21
Spot on, Angela! Maybe he could take his family, Cabinet, and Steve Bannon with him. The only _caveat_ is that whatever planet he moved to might well consider it an act of war, and we'd be dealing with space aliens. Talk about immigration headaches!
 
 
+23 # Emmanuel Goldstein 2017-06-02 22:28
I'm starting up a GoFundMe site to help send Don the Con to one of the other millions of terrific planets in our solar system. I think it's the best way to Make America Great Again!

If you're interested in contributing, just google "Help Send Donald Trump to Outer Space!" Even the smallest contributions will be greatly appreciated.
 
 
+6 # CL38 2017-06-03 22:57
Raise enough to send Pence, Ryan and the rest of Trump's 'administration '.
 
 
+22 # futhark 2017-06-02 23:39
Of course all this does is set the stage for Trump's next very, very great dramatic coup: transporting the entire population of the United States {minus the Muslims and Mexicans) via coal-powered rocket ships to the Solar System's greatest planet, which like Trump himself, is a gas giant.
 
 
+6 # reiverpacific 2017-06-03 09:41
Quoting futhark:
Of course all this does is set the stage for Trump's next very, very great dramatic coup: transporting the entire population of the United States {minus the Muslims and Mexicans) via coal-powered rocket ships to the Solar System's greatest planet, which like Trump himself, is a gas giant.


But ol' Sol qualifies as a star.
Drumpf on the ether hand, is a Monstar!"
 
 
0 # laborequalswealth 2017-06-04 09:51
GROAN!!!
 
 
+17 # elkingo 2017-06-03 01:43
Trump is right. Earth is a shit-hole. Just look at it: climate and humanity both deteriorating to terminal levels. But is is because of people like Trump:
oligarchic/capitalist/fascist/morons. Best if Donald were to return to his planet of origin: The planet Big Deal 4, in the Narcissystem.
 
 
+13 # BluePill 2017-06-03 04:19
That's funny! Maybe Trump can borrow some more money from the Russians and build a resort on Mars. The lower gravity would allow him to walk around without the use of the golf cart.
 
 
+17 # HStone 2017-06-03 04:36
As Trump keeps doubling down on crazy, I congratulate Borowitz for being able to keep up (at least so far!).
 
 
+14 # Carol R 2017-06-03 08:21
The last sentence is the BEST!

I totally agree with Germany’s Angela Merkel. “I strongly support Donald Trump leaving the planet Earth,” she said.
 
 
+6 # reiverpacific 2017-06-03 08:27
Well, the US once sent a chimp out there and back.
Why not put the Orange-Oootang in a one-way rocket to the Vega system -if they'll have 'im?
 
 
+4 # uuzul 2017-06-03 11:41
And what if Andy isn't joking this time? How's that for a thought! KLAATU, BARADA NIKTO!
 
 
+3 # futhark 2017-06-04 05:55
Too bad Klaatu and Gort are fictional undocumented aliens. They would make a great alternative ticket to whomever the Republicans are likely to nominate in 2020,
 
 
+5 # DongiC 2017-06-03 18:18
It's time for Trump to move to another planet with all his staff and cabinet members. My suggestion is Pluto named after the Lord of the Underworld. Trump belongs down below where he can do only limited harm.
 
 
+2 # mill valley maven 2017-06-06 21:59
May I suggest they all get shipped to Uranus, for obvious reasons.
 

THE NEW STREAMLINED RSN LOGIN PROCESS: Register once, then login and you are ready to comment. All you need is a Username and a Password of your choosing and you are free to comment whenever you like! Welcome to the Reader Supported News community.

RSNRSN