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Borowtiz writes: "In a major foreign-policy coup for the Trump Administration, North Korea offered to unconditionally abandon its nuclear program on Monday, after Mike Pence spent several minutes angrily squinting at the nation from just across the border."

Mike Pence at the DMZ. (photo: Lee Jin-Man/AP)
Mike Pence at the DMZ. (photo: Lee Jin-Man/AP)


North Korea Offers Unconditional Surrender After Mike Pence Angrily Squints at It

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

17 April 17

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

n a major foreign-policy coup for the Trump Administration, North Korea offered to unconditionally abandon its nuclear program on Monday, after Mike Pence spent several minutes angrily squinting at the nation from just across the border.

Warning North Korea that the United States had jettisoned its policy of “strategic patience” and that “all options were on the table,” Pence fixed his steely glare on the isolated Communist nation and began furiously staring it down.

After Pence spent between five and six minutes demonstrating U.S. resolve by squinting indignantly, the government in Pyongyang released a statement indicating that North Korea’s nuclear ambitions were a thing of the past.

“We will henceforth abandon our nuclear program and dismantle all existing nuclear facilities,” read the official statement from North Korean President Kim Jong-un. “In exchange, we request that Mike Pence stop giving us that really mean look.”

Moments after the North Korean statement, Pence ordered his facial muscles to stand down, and the Vice-President’s face assumed a peacetime footing.

At the White House, press secretary Sean Spicer said that the successful U.S. action in North Korea should “send a strong message to barbaric dictators around the world that the United States stands ready to use the full force and fury of Mike Pence’s angry face.”

Spicer said that, after leaving North Korea, Pence was dispatched to Mosul, Iraq, where he is scheduled to spend several minutes angrily squinting at ISIS.


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+33 # Wise woman 2017-04-17 14:15
Oh it should be so simple to undo trumps insane foreign policy. That as well as his evil domestic policies. Perhaps pence can squint at Planned Parenthood and the EPA and make them all better.
 
 
+16 # Rodion Raskolnikov 2017-04-17 15:28
Actually, if we are not really careful, Pence may be giving his evil scowl to all of us. If Trump is impeached, we'll have Pence squinting at us. The thought of this is just too terrifying.
 
 
+1 # Time Traveller 2017-04-19 17:25
Check out the badass black leathers... Trying to go all Putin on us? Would love to see Pence on the judo mat with Vlad the Slammer!
 
 
+19 # bubbiesue 2017-04-17 22:16
You have to laugh because otherwise you'd cry all the time. Thanks for Andy Horowitz.
 
 
+5 # p4136bl 2017-04-17 23:30
We got a new 'Iron Mike'
 
 
+2 # Time Traveller 2017-04-19 17:34
Could you imagine self assured Darth Cheney needing a jacket patch reading, "VICE PRESIDENT?"

Maybe Mike thought the Koreans might otherwise mistake him for Snowflake, the albino gorilla...
 
 
+16 # CL38 2017-04-17 23:46
I strongly support impeaching Trump...and Mike Pence (he lied about knowing that Mike Flynn had Russian connections--we know this because Pence headed the transition team that approved Flynn for Trump's "team".)

Let's join a movement to hold the election again and run Bernie for President without the DNC & Clinton rigging and election theft!
 
 
+4 # elkingo 2017-04-18 00:31
Mike Pence is a wonderful human being, a compassionate relgionist and a gifted statesman all because he wears an perfectly machined white plastic object on top of his head which he thinks is hair.
 
 
+3 # elkingo 2017-04-18 00:31
Mike Pence is a wonderful human being, a compassionate relgionist and a gifted statesman all because he wears an perfectly machined white plastic object on top of his head which he thinks is hair.
 
 
+7 # pres 2017-04-18 03:08
Over 30 years ago NK was offered a deal to decommission it's nuclear program if the US made available all the oil NK needed to replace it. As is frequently the case, the US defaulted on their end so NK resumed their nuclear program. NK has insufficient power generating capabilities without nuclear generators.
At least the US has a track record of NOT attacking countries that have nuclear weapons.
 
 
+16 # economagic 2017-04-18 05:53
Maybe he could squint at trump! The trouble with all these Angry White Men is that they have no idea how to channel their anger into constructive action, so expend it in the only way they have ever known, by breaking things and beating people up.
 
 
+7 # tedrey 2017-04-18 06:23
Follow up: "The Trump administration declares that North Korea's unconditional surrender is insufficient. The US meanwhile increases military buildup in the Pacific."
 
 
+10 # Rodion Raskolnikov 2017-04-18 07:49
Too bad old Mike Pence won't take a squint at this article --

"The Problem is Washington -- Not North Korea" by Mike Whitney

http://www.informationclearinghouse.info/46884.htm

The terrible ignorance of Pence's comments about Korea should be criminal when the ignoramus also holds the power to kill. Whitney is right -- Pence, Trump, and the rest of Washington are the problem, not North Korea.
 
 
+7 # ddd-rrr 2017-04-18 07:56
Thanks for this bit of welcome levity in these times of rampant danger AND stupidity!
 
 
+8 # DongiC 2017-04-18 08:00
US has no shortage of new weapons. The latest being Mike Pence's squint. No other nation can match its force nor its endurance. We will now be irresistable.
 
 
+11 # Kootenay Coyote 2017-04-18 08:14
Actually, there isn’t much that Pence doesn’t squint at angrily.
 
 
+6 # hectormaria 2017-04-18 09:03
This write-up captures the arrogance of right-wing conservatives beautifully.
 
 
+4 # chapdrum 2017-04-19 11:32
The "vice president" has the same dead eyes as the "president."
 

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