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Borowitz writes: "Across the United Kingdom on Friday, Britons mourned their long-cherished right to claim that Americans were significantly dumber than they are."

Men celebrate the result of last night's referendum on the UK leaving the EU. (photo: Bjack Taylor/Getty)
Men celebrate the result of last night's referendum on the UK leaving the EU. (photo: Bjack Taylor/Getty)


British Lose Right to Claim Americans Are Dumber

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

24 June 16

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."


cross the United Kingdom on Friday, Britons mourned their long-cherished right to claim that Americans were significantly dumber than they are.

Luxuriating in the superiority of their intellect over Americans’ has long been a favorite pastime in Britain, surpassing in popularity such games as cricket, darts, and snooker.

But, according to Alistair Dorrinson, a pub owner in North London, British voters have done irreparable damage to the “most enjoyable sport this nation has ever known: namely, treating Americans like idiots.”

“When our countrymen cast their votes yesterday, they didn’t realize they were destroying the most precious leisure activity this nation has ever known,” he said. “Wankers.”

In the face of this startling display of national idiocy, Dorrinson still mustered some of the resilience for which the British people are known. “This is a dark day,” he said. “But I hold out hope that, come November, Americans could become dumber than us once more.”

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+53 # Phillybuster 2016-06-24 14:33
The former country formerly known as the UK voted "Leave" because they want the Donald to be able to attract more people to his tourist traps. "Da lower da pound, da bedder for my bidness!", blared the Trumpet.
 
 
+14 # wrknight 2016-06-25 09:28
You gotta remember, this country was founded by Brits whose progeny are still here in large numbers. I suspect the idiocy is genetic.
 
 
-20 # RMDC 2016-06-24 15:05
I don't think those Limeys should jump to any hasty conclusions. And I think Borowitz has jumped to a hasty conclusion. Americans are close to electing Donald Trump as their president. Can any population be dumber than that? Well, yes, they could elect Hillary who has promised to start a shit load of new wars, free up investment banks from all regulations so they can crash the economy even worse than her philandering husband Bill did, and bring all those black kids "to heel."

Poor Americans, they've got only one directions to go --- from bad to worse. At least the Brits are now free from the bankster tyranny of Brussels.
 
 
+56 # PeacefulGarden 2016-06-24 15:27
"At least the Brits are now free from the bankster tyranny of Brussels."

What? I guess they get the bankster tyranny of England now.
 
 
-5 # RMDC 2016-06-24 17:19
I know. The Bankster tyranny of the City of London is the worst in the world and has been for a few centuries. But the UK is still a monarchy and the Queen is the only one with dominion over the City of London. Now the citizens of the UK need to oust the Queen.
 
 
+13 # jdd 2016-06-25 05:08
The entire Trans-Atlantic system has never, ever been free from the banskster tyranny of the City of London, and its Wall Street partners. Brexit, or no Brexit, that system is coming apart and has given rise to a new one, based on Eurasian infrastructure development, led by Vladimir Putin and Xi Jinping. You can bank on it. Beware the Empire's response.
 
 
+2 # RMDC 2016-06-25 08:39
jdd -- good points. I've always supported Andre Gunder Frank's theory of world systems and the center of the world system seems to be shifting east to Asia. The western empire has had its day. Frank claims that the world system moves its center about every 500 years. I prefer Frank's work to Wallerstein's.
 
 
+13 # Hermit 9 2016-06-25 00:06
Hasty conclusion ? Hmm. .. what will the UK look like in a few years when Northern Ireland joins the Republic of Ireland and Scotland goes independent? So, guess it will be jolly Ole'England - or the United Kingdom of England and Wales.

Join the Trump set and learn to be as brilliant as he is!
 
 
-6 # Maturus 2016-06-25 01:31
You need to get out more.
 
 
+4 # jdd 2016-06-25 05:09
Aka "Perfidious Albion."
 
 
0 # NAVYVET 2016-06-27 21:50
England AND Wales? I wouldn't count on it. Don't forget Plaid Cymru!

Well, they've still got the Falkland Islands.
 
 
-4 # Hermit 9 2016-06-25 00:06
Hasty conclusion ? Hmm. .. what will the UK look like in a few years when Northern Ireland joins the Republic of Ireland and Scotland goes independent? So, guess it will be jolly Ole'England - or the United Kingdom of England and Wales.

Join the Trump set and learn to be as brilliant as he is!
 
 
-6 # Hermit 9 2016-06-25 00:06
Hasty conclusion ? Hmm. .. what will the UK look like in a few years when Northern Ireland joins the Republic of Ireland and Scotland goes independent? So, guess it will be jolly Ole'England - or the United Kingdom of England and Wales.

Join the Trump set and learn to be as brilliant as he is!
 
 
-3 # Patriot 2016-06-25 04:05
Minor technicality: Limeys are Australians, not Britons.
 
 
+12 # jdd 2016-06-25 05:40
Sorry, to Americans, "Limeys" are Brits.
 
 
+18 # Kootenay Coyote 2016-06-25 08:21
No. The term applies to Royal Navy sailors, who were given limes as scurvy protection long before Australia was a nation.
 
 
+6 # RMDC 2016-06-25 08:41
koot -- that's the story I've always heard. They found limes growing somewhere near Jamaica and the limes saved their lives. Sucking limes became a real necessity for British sailors. One thing the British do not know is food. The stuff will drive anyone to sucking limes.

The best thing about the UK is all the immigrants and the food they bring with them.
 
 
+2 # economagic 2016-06-25 06:33
We COULD go up if we would get our collective heads out of our collective butts!
 
 
+7 # ericlipps 2016-06-25 14:16
Quoting RMDC:
I don't think those Limeys should jump to any hasty conclusions. And I think Borowitz has jumped to a hasty conclusion. Americans are close to electing Donald Trump as their president. Can any population be dumber than that? Well, yes, they could elect Hillary who has promised to start a shit load of new wars, free up investment banks from all regulations so they can crash the economy even worse than her philandering husband Bill did, and bring all those black kids "to heel."

Poor Americans, they've got only one directions to go --- from bad to worse. At least the Brits are now free from the bankster tyranny of Brussels.

Let's see now: when, exactly, did Hillary "promise to start a shit load of new wars"?

As for her husband, he presided over a boom so powerful that we actually started PAYING DOWN our national debt. Then along came Dubya, who turned all that around and actually DID crash the economy.
 
 
+20 # PeacefulGarden 2016-06-24 15:29
Shesh, Andy, I was expecting something along the line of the latest report out on the congressman who put up a road sign, "Lets Make America White Again".
 
 
-18 # MsAnnaNOLA 2016-06-24 15:48
July 23rd is new Independence Day for Britain! The people did away with un-elected bureaucrats in Brussels! Good for them!
 
 
+42 # Texas Aggie 2016-06-24 22:31
It takes a special sort of ignorance to be unaware that the European Union is governed by elected officials from each country in the Union.
 
 
+5 # Maturus 2016-06-25 00:57
Well, in theory maybe.

In practice MsAnnaNOLA is correct. The EU is run by its bureaucracy in much the same way as the USA and with much the same respect for those elected to oversee its operation.

Like all bureaucracies it sees its purpose as its own growth and continuation and in this case that means an inexorable drive to create a federal Europe wherein countries are replaced by regions.

Like their US counterparts, the EU bureaucracies detest accountability and for this reason the auditors have been unable to sign-off their accounts for the past 20 years or so.

Oh, and just for fun, every 6 months the EU parliament moves from Brussels to Strasbourg and then 6 months later moves back the other way. Maybe the EU can teach the USA something about pork barrels.
 
 
-2 # MsAnnaNOLA 2016-06-25 08:30
Thank you Matrus! If the Brussels bureaucrats dictate 1/3 or so do the laws passed by Parliament, the Parliament is no longer in control of the country.

The European "parliament" has no real power thus the power has been handed to the bureaucrats.

Much like in our country the government has Been co-opted. Here the checks and balances have broken down and we have a Fascist system where money rules. There they have a fascist system where through stealth the power was handed to unelected bureaucrats who are influenced by monied interests and has also resulted in a semi fascist system where whole countries such as Greece have been bankrupted to please the bankers. Another fascist system but arrived at by other means.

The British did the world a huge favor by putting the brakes on the EU experiment.
 
 
0 # Aliazer 2016-06-25 10:13
The European Union is a globalist organization, founded and operating on technocratic lines. Nobody in charge of the Union has been elected by the people.

It is intrinsically a tool of multinational banks and other globalist interests!!

The people and nations exist only to follow the rules or else!
 
 
-1 # lfeuille 2016-06-25 16:29
The executives are not elected by the people. The EU has a president who is totally unaccountable. The people only get to elect the legislators.
 
 
0 # JJS 2016-06-25 16:37
"I love the poorly educated" -DJT
 
 
-2 # jdd 2016-06-25 05:11
Now they should get rid of their un-elected monarchy - their actual rulers.
 
 
0 # RMDC 2016-06-27 13:56
Appears you get thumbed for dissing the queen on rsn.
 
 
0 # FIRSTNORN1 2016-06-25 08:41
Quoting MsAnnaNOLA:
July 23rd is new Independence Day for Britain! The people did away with un-elected bureaucrats in Brussels! Good for them!

good comment except I believe you mean "June 23"
 
 
+7 # Ralph 2016-06-24 19:07
Holy crap! The British didn't turn over their country to a bunch of unelected, criminal banksters. What a bunch of idiots!
 
 
+25 # Texas Aggie 2016-06-24 22:29
Actually they did. Only the deliberately ignorant don't realize that the unelected criminal banksters are located in London, the center of the European banking industry. Now there is no one with the power to bring them to heel and they will be even more ruthless in destroying the world than they have been already.
 
 
+1 # harleysch 2016-06-24 23:33
The EU financial apparatchiks did the bidding of the City of London, from deregulation to QE. The EU actually magnified the power of the City, which is the center of bankster swindles globally. The EU increased its power over the nations of the continent.

They no doubt have a back-up plan, which they will work out with their Wall Street brethren, and their puppet, Obama.
 
 
+2 # jdd 2016-06-25 05:13
London is the center of world banking, even moreso than its Wall Street partners. That system is dangerous, but coming apart.
 
 
0 # lfeuille 2016-06-25 16:31
There is another bunch in Brussels.
 
 
0 # RMDC 2016-06-27 13:58
Texas. Hillary will bring them to heel. She knows super predators when she sees them.
 
 
+18 # Thomas Martin 2016-06-24 23:05
Within any “country” (which term it seems is more and more an anachronism, even in “England’s” case), there are some who are for “growth”, and some who are for “stability”, but more and more there are those who, as a result of increasing overpopulation, are mostly concerned with “survival” … maybe it’s time to get a conference together not addressing “free trade”, and not addressing “immigration”, but addressing “environmentali sm”, with due focus on “overpopulation ”. Just to clarify, it might be ok for a country to close its borders, as England seems to be doing, if they think this is the best way to survive (they were there first!). But there does seem to be a moral obligation to reach out to the rest of the world and help it (maybe they themselves too?!?) solve a threatening overpopulation problem, and with that, consider helping refugees resulting not only from overpopulation, but from exploiting overpopulation (ie, an infinite labor base, for which there’s no “minimum wage”), as well as exploiting the world’s resources (eg, British Petroleum in the Middle East, or even here in “our own” Gulf of Mexico). England has voted so far to just “drop out” … we’ll see where that leads them, and us too if the rest of us follow suit.
 
 
+4 # economagic 2016-06-25 06:31
Wait -- what's the deal, injecting a note of seriousness into all this levity?

Actually yes, the big picture IS "all of the above." Once it became clear that world leaders had no intention of dealing with global warming (I've been following the developments for 20 years, having learned of the problem in 1972), and how unstable the global financial system really is, I started counting up the other critical global systems that are already stressed to the breaking point.

I don't believe it is impossible in principle to avert a cascade of breakdowns in these systems within the next 50 years or less, but the chances of our taking the steps necessary to do so seem increasingly small. With crisis comes great danger, but also great opportunity. "Another World IS possible," and I have learned over the past few years that there is a worldwide movement of movements focused on every aspect of building it in the shadow of the old even as the latter crumbles about our shoulders.

We start literally in our own backyards and our neighborhoods, reinvigorating local communities and rebuilding local economies to minimize dependence on Global Megacorp, stressing rapid adaptation and resilience in the face of rapid change. I have an extended post on yesterday's article on "Diablo Shutdown" with the reasoning and more details. We may still perish, but we don't have to roll over as we enjoy "changing the things we can."
 
 
+22 # andyseles 2016-06-24 23:12
People are mistaken in an assumption that Brexit was motivated by a surge in nationalism and isolationism as a direct result of massive immigration into the UK.
Nationalism is, in fact, on the rise, here and abroad, largely as a result of the failed economic experiment of the globalists and its resultant unequal distribution of wealth. To conclude that a country protective of its national sovereignty is isolationist is premature at best. I am sure British working class voters, experiencing the competition for jobs from immigrants, voted for Brexit. It’s likely, however, the vote to exit had more to do with forty years of wealth inequality. Blame should more readily be placed on the elite investor class that continues to ignore the economic devastation they have wrought on the working classes of their respective nations. As conservative David Brooks commented this evening, “The elites have brought this on themselves.” Borowitz assumes economic globalism as a foregone conclusion which many of us don't.
 
 
-13 # egbegb 2016-06-24 23:50
It appears Mr. Horowitz prefers a totalitarian global government. It also appears most people don't agree with him. Brits did the right thing for the citizens of UK.
 
 
+12 # Dion Giles 2016-06-25 00:22
Brexit is the greatest body blow to the EU since the CIA set it up as a Cold War weapon after the war and to globalisation since the French thankfully sank the Multilateral Agreement on Investment, MAI, in October 1998.
 
 
+44 # karenvista 2016-06-25 00:42
One in every 122 people on earth are now internally or externally displaced. Half of the displaced are children.

Why does it not occur to anyone that when we destroy the countries such as Iraq, Syria, Afghanistan, Libya, Ukraine and then add all the countries where we are carrying out JSOC and programs to cause destabilization through AFRICOM and add the resource wars in Africa, millions more survivors will need to go somewhere that isn't currently under attack.

Yes, I agree about overpopulation but the Republicans won't pass any programs to help control population in countries that want such assistance just like they are against that here. And if people could stay in their own countries (not under attack) the problem would be much more manageable.

There are more refugees looking for somewhere safe to go than at any time since records have been kept. By now, over 60 million people.

http://www.unhcr.org/en-us/news/latest/2015/6/558193896/worldwide-displacement-hits-all-time-high-war-persecution-increase.html

If we stayed at home and minded our own business the majority of these catastrophes wouldn't have happened in the first place.

We don't need a State Department. We don't have diplomacy anymore, we just do war.
 
 
-8 # MsAnnaNOLA 2016-06-25 08:36
Yes and the hapless Dems are staging a sit in to take rights away! Where is the sit in against the wars? They are morally bankrupt!
 
 
0 # RMDC 2016-06-27 14:06
Msanna. Good comment. The hapless dems go all in for senseless things. Indeed, where's the sit in for peace.
 
 
+22 # tigerlillie 2016-06-25 03:09
It is truly tragic that the two countries in the world who share the most responsibility for creating the Syrian refugee crisis are responding to the needs of the dispossessed with such ruthless prejudice.
 
 
+7 # jpmarat 2016-06-25 06:52
Much of the "Wall St." chicanery was conducted out of London, due to looser financial laws. The Leave vote may not have been based primarily on stupidity, or bigotry. A more fair minded look may be in our own interest. Even though I support HRC over Adolph Trump, and Dems over GOP, I agree that the US, Britain, France are responsible for much of the refugee, and human, crisis in the Mideast. Trump & GOP would be even worse, much worse.
 
 
+8 # economagic 2016-06-25 07:02
What strikes me most strongly about this event is that most reports attribute it solely to a single cause: xenophobia, other nativist tendencies, unemployment, austerity in general, rebellion against the bankers, right-wing madness in general, etc. Surely all of those factors contributed, and of course they all overlap. It reminds me of the song, "Officer Krupke," from "West Side Story" (Steven Sondheim's first biog hit as a lyricist), in which the gang members verbally assault the beat cop with the many-faceted failures of The System to help one of their number stay out of trouble, the point being that it was all of the above and none of the above.
 
 
+1 # Kootenay Coyote 2016-06-25 08:23
Insular thinking leaves the Brits: well, mostly the English; in isolation on their tight little island. I note that young people voted to stay in, older people to go out: how will that serve for the younger as they age? & how long will Scotland & N Ireland stay in the UK now? Cameron has proven undeniably just how colossal an idiot he is.
 
 
0 # Maturus 2016-06-25 10:24
In the interests of clarity, please allow me to explain some terminology.

The 'United Kingdom' is the union of the kingdoms of 'Great Britain' and 'Ireland', the latter being represented by Northern Ireland following the independence of Eire in the 1920's. If Northern Ireland voted to leave, the UK would cease to exist.

'Great Britain' is the union of the kingdoms of Scotland and England [and Wales] at a time when they had the same monarch. If Scotland voted to leave they would have to decide what form of government they wanted and who the head of state would be. If they retained their current head of state, Great Britain and the UK would remain but the two kingdoms would be politically separate.

As I have written elsewhere, it is the problem of overcrowding that weigh most on people's minds. Scotland and Northern Ireland, for quite different reason, are not subjected to the same overcrowding.
 
 
0 # pupdude 2016-06-26 06:13
As I have written elsewhere, it is the problem of overcrowding that weigh most on people's minds. Scotland and Northern Ireland, for quite different reason, are not subjected to the same overcrowding.


Apparently it's the problem of overcrowding that weighs most on OLDER people's minds. Those who will live under the new regime for the least amount of time. Young people strongly voted remain. Will be interesting to see how this plays out in the future.
 
 
0 # jdd 2016-06-25 14:14
Don't be fooled. That "little island" 's banks still control much of the Trans-Atlantic economy and their governments, and its crown, along with the current occupant of the White House, is pushing NATO into confrontation with Putin's Russia.
 
 
+3 # hectormaria 2016-06-25 09:21
Our special relationship with G.B. allows us to claim title to "the dumber and dumber" duo.
 
 
-4 # Sam Seaman 2016-06-25 12:36
¨Andy Borowitz Loses Right to Claim Everyone is Dumber than He is¨

-after two catastropic wars in less than half a century, The European Union was created as a strategic substitute for more war; it was an instrument that included a strong independant Britain offshore as part of the model.

It was not created to be a sweetheart trade deal.

The model is now restored, with a strong independant Britain close by. Britain has the largest army in Europe, the 5th most powerful economy on the planet, and, er, other little details such as the London stock exchange and nuclear weapons.

-and no, they don´t make a lot of fuss about it.
 
 
+1 # jdd 2016-06-25 14:22
A monetary union without a central government is inherently unstable, as Alexander Hamilton understood and made clear over 240 years ago.
The EU has become, in effect, the monetary arm of NATO, and both have long outlived their usefulness, if ever they had one.
 
 
0 # JayaVII 2016-06-27 21:29
Anyone who's ever been there knows Great Britain is neither strong nor rich, except among the parasites of the City of London. Thatcher thoroughly de-industrializ ed the place, and it no longer creates wealth. If Scotland leaves, which it probably will, the English will have no bases for their nuclear submarines. It has no empire, only a small internal market, and many memories of past glory. With the weak pound, though, it will become even more of a tourist attraction, serving better-off visitors from better-led countries.
 
 
0 # JayaVII 2016-06-27 20:15
History is undergoing a tectonic shift, and this may just be a preliminary rumble before the real earthquake. As Mr. Borowitz notes, stupidity is the one great power left that is under no threat whatsoever.
 

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