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Borowitz writes: "In choosing the former Hewlett-Packard C.E.O. Carly Fiorina as his running mate, Senator Ted Cruz hopes to tap into the immense popularity of one of the most beloved public figures in America."

Carly Fiorina and Ted Cruz. (photo: Mark Kauzlarich/Reuters)
Carly Fiorina and Ted Cruz. (photo: Mark Kauzlarich/Reuters)


Cruz Hopes to Tap Into Immense Popularity of Carly Fiorina

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

28 April 16

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

n choosing the former Hewlett-Packard C.E.O. Carly Fiorina as his running mate, Senator Ted Cruz hopes to tap into the immense popularity of one of the most beloved public figures in America.

Minutes after the news of Cruz’s selection leaked, political insiders called the choice of the wildly adored Fiorina a game-changer for the Cruz campaign.

“It’s no secret that Ted Cruz has some trouble with likeability,” the Republican strategist Harland Dorrinson said. “What better way to fix that than by choosing Carly Fiorina, a person everyone is absolutely crazy about?”

Fiorina’s reputation for winning the hearts of everyone she comes in contact with dates back to her days as the incredibly well-liked C.E.O. of Hewlett-Packard and, before that, Lucent Technologies.

“At Lucent, she could light up any room with her smile,” former Lucent employee Tracy Klugian said. “If you had to say what people loved about working at Lucent Technologies, it all came down to two words: Carly Fiorina.”

“Carly was more than our boss: she was our hero,” Kent Bantwell, a former Hewlett-Packard employee, said. “There wasn’t a person in the company who wasn’t touched in some way by her kindness and humanity.”

Dorrinson, the Republican strategist, said Cruz’s campaign will see a huge boost from what is widely known in political circles as “the Fiorina magic.”

“Picking Fiorina was a masterstroke,” he said. “Now all Ted has to do is sit back and watch Carly do what she does best: make people fall in love her.”

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+107 # deadhead 2016-04-28 14:42
This time I really coughed up my drink. Andy - I think you could stop at the headline of some of your stories. This one is deadpanningly priceless!
 
 
+19 # economagic 2016-04-29 06:26
Oh, no: I read the headline and thought "Ho-hum," read the piece anyway and STILL cracked up!
 
 
+106 # RMDC 2016-04-28 15:51
THis is a bit to droll for my taste. I remember a Borowitz report from about six months ago saying that even the most hated man in the US could be president. The reference was to Cruz. Now the two most hated people in the US have teamed up to beat the really most hated man in the Universe, Donald Trump.

Have the republicans always been so unlikeable? I guess so, I hated Reagan and both Bushes.

The Republican hateability offensive goes on. I"m not sure the nation can take another 3 months of this until the convention mercifully puts these misfits to an end.
 
 
+16 # James38 2016-04-28 23:36
Well I'll be danged, a RMDC post I heartily agree with.

Good one, RMDC.
 
 
+45 # librarian1984 2016-04-28 23:49
Quoting RMDC:
The Republican hateability offensive goes on.

You'd think after giving this country the disasters of Reagan and BushCo they'd be gracious enough to apologize and buy us a drink, but instead they double down and offer us a choice -- a narcissistic bully or a flame-throwing zealot.

They have finally convinced even THEMSELVES that government cannot serve any useful function, so they feel no guilt or responsibility for these disastrous administrations .
 
 
+16 # fletch1165 2016-04-29 06:50
Cruz's job is to make Trump look palatable. Part of the master plan to get Trump accepted. He will name another Cheney as VP and more wars and banking corruption will ensue just like with Reagan and the Bushes. Bill Clinton basically continued the work of Reagan escalating military spending and ending welfare. The country needs time to reform and the middle class what's left of it to heal economically. But no. It will be more neocon wars now and the crippling of everyone but the top 1%. 4 more years of bull. With Bernie likely too old next time in four years who will step up or are we doomed to the Endless War cycle?
 
 
+3 # Helga Fellay 2016-04-29 09:25
actually, it may have been a brilliant move. He prepares himself for a possible run against Clinton in November. Clinton is about as likable as Fiorina, but she is a WOMAN - which seems to be enough reason for many (older and mostly uninformed) women to support her. By choosing a woman as running mate, Cruz is hoping to neutralize some of that highly misguided "feminist" factor. Had he chosen a more likable woman as running mate, It might have made his own lack of likability more painfully obvious.
 
 
+68 # grandlakeguy 2016-04-28 20:11
I can understand why Cruz chose Fiorina as a running mate, When you average out their likeability ratings Cruz's scores go way up with this addition...
even when you factor in all of the fired workers from the companies Fiorina ran into the ground and the staff at planned parenthood.
Way to go Ted... you are showing America your amazing judgement in choosing people to work alongside you.
I can hardly wait to see your cabinet choices!
 
 
+21 # librarian1984 2016-04-28 23:15
Hey!

She makes him look warm and fuzzy (sort of), and he finally has someone who will say he's pretty.

Win. Win.
 
 
+98 # cymricmorty 2016-04-28 21:26
This was actually the first announcement on the (thankfully) abbreviated version of NPR news yesterday morning, and I had the first big laugh I've had in weeks. Yep, this'll stop Trump in his tracks. Next, Kasich will pick Michelle Bachmann.
 
 
+35 # Old4Poor 2016-04-29 01:58
And will Trump then pick Palin?

Why not have both Whammies from the All-In Fantasy Presidential Election Draft on a ticket.
 
 
+11 # economagic 2016-04-29 06:40
Oh jeez, I hadn't thought of that. It could become a three-way contest again! (Six-way? (n-r)!/(r!(n-r) !)?)
 
 
-43 # Cappucino 2016-04-28 21:36
Do not count Ted Cruz out. He will fight to the end, and he'll get the nomination. He has plans, he has backers, and he's been arranging it all behind the scenes. The huge mistake most people are making-- and have made all along-- is to underestimate him.
 
 
+43 # maverita 2016-04-28 22:26
He is chosen by God, after all. I suspect he is positioning himself for 2020.
 
 
+69 # dipierro4 2016-04-28 22:40
...Do not count Ted Cruz out... he'll get the nomination. ...The huge mistake most people are making...is to underestimate him.

You may be right, and it scares the daylights out of me. In particular, I imagine that Cruz is laughing his head off as he watches us progressives get all worked up about Trump. In the end, we may all laugh and grin about how we avoided the awful Donald -- and then we will be faced with the possibility of Cruz, a million times more scary than Trump, gaining the Presidency.

Today I thanked heaven that Boehner went public about how awful Cruz is.
 
 
+35 # James38 2016-04-28 23:41
dipierro, agree about Boehner's comments. They were hilarious, and deadpan serious - which just made them that much more potent.
 
 
+31 # Old4Poor 2016-04-29 02:00
Add in the comments from Ted's college roommate who really hates him.

I have often wondered how he found any woman willing to marry him let alone have his children.
 
 
+22 # economagic 2016-04-29 06:42
Devil's spawn come in both sexes.
 
 
+3 # rocback 2016-04-29 09:37
The most depressed I have even been was after reading that article in the National Inquirer that claimed Cruz of all people had 7 mistresses. What depressed me was that Cruz was having more sex than me!
 
 
+6 # Majikman 2016-04-29 10:37
When did it strike you that you both have similar qualities?
 
 
+7 # mdhome 2016-04-29 08:15
I imagine him as thinking god has decided that he will bring on the apocalypse with his finger on the nuclear button! GOD has spoken and he will act.
 
 
+12 # chrisconnolly 2016-04-28 22:58
Thanks for more satire.
 
 
+22 # Salus Populi 2016-04-28 23:08
That's "MISunderestima te him," Mister. But hey, he "has plans" -- your posting is almost as funny as Borowitz's article!
 
 
+13 # RMDC 2016-04-29 05:28
capp -- " The huge mistake most people are making-- and have made all along-- is to underestimate him."

Or is that "misunderestima te" him. After all he is a son of Texas.
 
 
+5 # mayordoug 2016-04-29 06:51
Hahahahahahahah a!!
 
 
+20 # dotlady 2016-04-28 22:17
Borowitz nails it.
Thanks RMDC for this: "I'm not sure the nation can take another 3 months of this until the convention mercifully puts these misfits to an end."
 
 
-19 # Shades of gray matter 2016-04-28 22:25
Carly has a Secret Plan, debugged at HP, to export the jobs of all Hoosiers who do not support Lucifer.
On a more serious note, even mini or quasi socialists tend to be economic determinists, paying little heed to or even denying the real influences of culture. They even argue, with occasional relevance, that Culture is just a by-product of economic (class) conditions. Thus, they routinely miss the boat on racial, gender, & ethnic BIAS. The key here is Bernie's desire to place so much reliance on reclaiming the white working class male for the Democratic Party. Ain't going to happen! Racism, sexism, & ethnic HATRED are more powerful human forces than economic self-interest. Birthers are NOT "disillusioned" with Obama; they HATE him with every fiber of their beings. It's not about trade or "jobs;" it's about their desire to LYNCH him. Dems had absolutely no choice but to reduce reliance on white working class Racists, Sexists, 'homophobes," ethnic HATERS. And GOOD RIDDANCE. Let them shape the GOP, NOT the Party of Roosevelts. (FDR&E).
 
 
+34 # librarian1984 2016-04-28 23:45
Oh wow, you really nailed it. Sanders is so deluded about culture. He's a socialist Jew, for Crissake, I think he knows from bias.

The senator, I suspect, is not targeting any racial, gender or ethnic group as much as he is appealing to RATIONAL human beings who see the writing on the wall. Count you out.

If you focus on HUMAN issues the differences fall away, shades, you fatuous toad.

As I've mentioned before I went to Bernie Camp a while ago, and was impressed by the diversity -- Muslims, Asians, blacks, youth, geezers; there were even, believe it or not, white men, and they actually were aware of where they were and why.

Yes there is hatred and there are idiots (and at least a portion of that comes from YOU). But not everyone is like that, not even most. And young people are less biased than their parents. Same ol same ol -- evolution, learning, progress -- all that stuff you don't believe in. I suppose you're just too damned sophisticated for genuine human feeling.

I can't speak for the senator's beliefs, but I find his economic populism does speak to a multitude of issues, and I would say Sanders is appealing to young people AND union members AND peaceniks AND environmentalis ts because of his authentic and relevant message, NOT a cynical appeal to a targeted demographic (like some people we know).

Unlike you, who appeals to the basest and most vile emotions. Who knows why that's where you choose to dwell.
 
 
+15 # cymricmorty 2016-04-28 23:51
"Eenie meenie, chili beanie, the spirits are about to speak." "Are they friendly spirits?"

Not spirits, but shades.

(A shameless channeling of Rocky and Bullwinkle.)
 
 
+16 # librarian1984 2016-04-29 00:10
Quoting Shades of gray matter:
reclaiming the white working class male for the Democratic Party. Ain't going to happen!

Another fact-free post from shades! Imagine.

Senator Sanders has already done well with workers and union members (though not union leadership .. hmm, the union group I often find least appealing), which contributed to his victories in MI and WI.

Even mini or quasi humans should try to stick to the facts.
 
 
+37 # harleysch 2016-04-28 22:37
When it comes to delusional, you cant't top Cruz. Here's a guy would couldn't reach an average of 20% of Republican votes in the last 6 primaries, proclaiming only he can beat HRC. Then he describes Fiorina as his "running mate," saying she is "superbly capable of serving as Commander-in-Ch ief," while his staff spins the line that she will help beat Trump in California!

He is a walking and breathing gift from the stable of GOP idiots to satirists everywhere!
 
 
+19 # librarian1984 2016-04-28 23:14
Quoting harleysch:
When it comes to delusional, you cant't top Cruz.

Tuesday night, after 5 defeats, he finished his speech with, "Onward .. to victory!"

Ugh. And if he's Lucifer who, or what, is Carly?

Satanists for TED!
 
 
+6 # James38 2016-04-29 01:53
"...who, or what, is Carly?"

The snake in the tree?

"Heeeere you go, honey....Have a niiiice apple...?"
 
 
+16 # Old4Poor 2016-04-29 02:02
I cannot believe that real Satanists would be that shallow and stupid.
 
 
+5 # Majikman 2016-04-29 10:44
They aren't. The disavowed any and all claims to him
 
 
0 # Kootenay Coyote 2016-04-29 09:49
'And if he's Lucifer who, or what, is Carly?'

Lilith?
 
 
+2 # Old4Poor 2016-04-29 13:09
HA! You just made me realize that one of the advantages for women re Judeo/Christian theologies is that they discount women so much we do not even have devils in our gender.
 
 
+3 # tomr 2016-04-28 22:52
"I know, right?" - Stewie Griffin
 
 
+22 # James38 2016-04-29 02:03
Wow, mistrusTed, you just "Trumped" John McCain.

This is funnier and - almost - stupider than McCain/Palin - almost. Nothing could be worse than Palin, but nice try.

Carly's lies about abortion, and her position as #1 woman-hating-wo man is as close to Palin-dumb as anyone could get. Well, maybe just as bad. Hard call.

Good Work, Cruzmissile, You just shot yourself in the foot. It wasn't necessary - but thanks for the laugh.
 
 
+7 # RMDC 2016-04-29 05:52
Ironically, in the debates and in speeches I thought Carly Fiorina was the most intelligent and best informed of all the republicans. I hated her opinions but I still thought she was very intelligent. She's spent her whole life working between corporate board rooms and the CIA. She has the world vision of a John Brennan or other CIA deep criminal. But at least she can talk about her perverted world view in an intelligent way. You can't say this about Cruz. He can speak only in sound-bites or talking points that don't seem to have any basis in experience. They are focus-grouped snippets of thought designed to get a rise from a Teaparty audience. He does not seem to have any analytical ability. Fiorina does have that -- but it is all vicious CIA stuff.

I just hope the two of them get married and ride off into the sunset of Canada never to be seen again. As scary and looney as Trump is, he is a safer bet than Cruz/Fiorina. And safer than Hillree.

This is the worst presidential race I've ever witnessed. Only SAnders is a decent human being -- kind of the first qualification.
 
 
+6 # Helga Fellay 2016-04-29 09:36
RMDC - why do you hate Canada?
 
 
+7 # Kootenay Coyote 2016-04-29 09:50
"I just hope the two of them get married and ride off into the sunset of Canada...."

No! No! We got rid of him up here, you keep him.
 
 
0 # James38 2016-04-29 22:01
RMDC, About the seemingly intelligent part, that is the only reason I have trouble deciding if Fiorina is "better" or worse than Palin.

But as to your comment about Hillary vs Drumpf, you are way off base. I think all the comments and attitudes about Hillary, slamming her for this and that, are missing the more important points. If we can't get Bernie in as the candidate, Hillary still has some serious advantages.

First, stop with all the nonsense about Trump beating her. Check with the British oddsmakers. They have her winning handily, and if you want to make some money, follow their lead.

Second, and most important, the Climate. Drumpf scoffs at it. Climate change is a joke to him. We are going to destroy Earth's ecosystem if we elect a fool like that.

Third, the Supreme Court. Hillary would give us better nominees, and that will affect the future far beyond the presidency.

Fourth, we do not need another racist President.

I have been in favor of Bernie, still am, but taking the time to listen to some of the interviews with Hillary is revealing. She may not be the ideal candidate, but she is far more thoughtful than her critics give her credit for.

So drop the vote green or any other reason not to support the Democrat nominee, Hillary included. We simply do not want any Rethuglican in the White House. Period. That is just practical politics, not a sellout.

Continued...
 
 
0 # James38 2016-04-29 22:13
continuing

For example, she is often pilloried for supporting the ouster of Gaddafi - but she was aware that the Libyans needed help after the overthrow to establish a democratic system. There was no public experience with that, and she knew it. But the Libyans refused the help she and the leaders of France, Germany, and Italy offered, thinking they could do it on their own. Unfortunately they were wrong.

I have been surprised by her grasp of nuance in other areas. I deplore her involvement with big money, but that is not enough for me to ignore the other points I have mentioned.

I still harbor some hope for Bernie, but if he is not the nominee, I suppose he will ask us to support the Democrat - Hillary if she is the one. I think we should follow his advise.


The movement Bernie has brought to life needs time to develop. Some here want it to happen before the election this year, but there isn't time without Bernie as the Democratic nominee.

Trying to do the third party thing in a rush could lead to division in liberal votes that could "do the Nader" again. We just do not need to elect a Rethuglican - any of them - by being too involved in anti-Hillary puritanism to pay attention to reality.
 
 
+3 # kabac55 2016-04-29 07:14
Sometimes I think Andy's job is getting easier given the material the GOP provides, but then I remember I really prefer to laugh and hold on to the hope that a lot of thinking voters will get his point and vote accordingly.
 
 
+4 # RMDC 2016-04-29 07:42
kabac -- yes, you are completely right. In fact it is a wonder they still pay Borowitz for his work. The satire just writes itself, or more accurately, every time a republican opens his/her mouth, Borotitz has a column. He should just take a long cruz (Ted Cruz that is) and let the stuff write itself.
 
 
-10 # Shades of gray matter 2016-04-29 08:25
Bernie had to spend WAY, WAY more than any other candidate to stay in, but Bridge-Burners and Bern-Outs FAILED him.
Thank God, their FAILURE meant the anti-atheist, anti-socialist artillery was never fired at him. Would have been devastating. Trump got most of the white working class. Bernie is a great guy. He MAY reshape the Party. Too bad about the Bridge-Burners, Bern-Outs, racist white working class males, and RSN freeloading leeches. Rainbow demographics are on the way.
 
 
+3 # Salus Populi 2016-04-30 08:44
Too bad there's not an "ignore" button in the comments section of RSN.
 
 
+5 # Trish42 2016-04-29 08:42
Remember when your mom used to warn you about those satanist cults? Who'd ever have thought we'd have one knocking on the door of the White House?
 
 
+1 # librarian1984 2016-05-01 12:42
Really? I thought I was the only one! hahaha

Who convinced our moms this was a danger? The priests?
 
 
+6 # Working Class 2016-04-29 09:35
The day the HP Board fired Carly HP stock jumped $3 billion - enough said.
 
 
-1 # elkingo 2016-04-29 12:02
My kind of satire Andy, but maybe too droll - too many yobs out there could take it seriously. I take it the names quoted are goofs too. But this above all:

WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL CARLY NOT TO SING??!!
 
 
+1 # elkingo 2016-04-29 12:09
Hillary will maintain the cultural status quo, the river massing behind the dam, the Turks at the gates of Vienna. The coming American/capita list Gotterdammerung . Trump or Cruz will only accelerate it. Bernie, (a rare political figure, a human being and not an asshole) might be able to stave it off for a while. Best of luck to everybody, come November.
 
 
-1 # elkingo 2016-04-29 12:18
" With Bernie likely too old next time in four years who will step up or are we doomed to the Endless War cycle?" Hey Fletch: the great Gore Vidal spoke of the insane Orwellian enigma of "perpetual war for perpetual peace". But now I think its perpetual war for the sake of perpetual war. And yet there's ISIL, today's Nazi's who we (someone) has to destroy, even if they are our own creation.
 
 
+1 # runningtab 2016-04-29 13:45
And yet there's ISIL, today's Nazi's who we (someone) has to destroy, even if they are our own creation..

Wait -- sure, ISIS can be called "today's Nazis" -- but that's not fair to our US and European neo-Nazis. Can we not steer them into savior mode vs ISIL? Convince them they're our only hope, arm them (Team Neo-Nazi US is already plenty armed), sprinkle them throughout the Middle East, and turn them loose against the jihadi horde?

If nothing else, I see a blockbuster video game here. Will provide address for royalties.
 
 
+1 # elkingo 2016-04-29 12:19
This letter has been deleted by the sender. But let's not underplay a little well placed vitriol.
 
 
-3 # Shades of gray matter 2016-04-29 14:52
Well, I like "well aimed" vitriol. Whaddaya got?
ps- My mother did not warn me about Satanic Cults (Lucifer Campaigns?). She enrolled me in one, god bless her heart.
 
 
+3 # davidh7426 2016-04-29 16:20
The only reason that Cruz is resorting to Fiorina, is because his first three picks where too busy...

Attila the Hun and Jack the Ripper where busy washing their hair...

And Dracula had a dental appointment.
 
 
+2 # Salus Populi 2016-04-30 08:50
Excuses, excuses! Like when you call somebody up for a date, and s/he says s/he has to do the laundry, or doesn't want to miss tonight's "Real Women of BlueBalls, Missouri," or is going to be busy for the next six months....
 
 
+1 # heiko12 2016-04-30 13:19
Ted seems to have been concerned that someone might take him seriously, so he took a joke as a running mate!

There are now two jokes on that "ticket", but no humor!
 

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