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Borowitz writes: "New reports indicating that Ben Carson might not have actually stabbed anyone during his youth have sent the retired neurosurgeon plummeting in the latest Republican Presidential polls."

Ben Carson.  (photo: Justin Sullivan/Getty)
Ben Carson. (photo: Justin Sullivan/Getty)


Carson Plummets in Polls Amid Reports He Did Not Stab Anyone

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

06 November 15

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."


ew reports indicating that Ben Carson might not have actually stabbed anyone during his youth have sent the retired neurosurgeon plummeting in the latest Republican Presidential polls.

Carson supporters, reeling from the news that their candidate’s past might have been devoid of stabbing, have deserted his candidacy in droves, suggesting that Republican voters viewed Carson’s stabbing as a key part of his résumé.

Indeed, a recent University of Minnesota poll showed that a full third of Carson supporters singled out “his stabbing experience” as a top reason for supporting him for the nation’s highest office.

In Iowa, where Carson was the front-runner before the non-stabbing bombshell hit, voters like Carol Foyler, of Des Moines, expressed dismay and disillusionment that the retired doctor might have fabricated his stabbing exploits to make himself more appealing to Republican voters.

“I was on the fence about Ben Carson, but the stabbing thing really won me over,” she said. “Now, I don’t know what to think.”

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+82 # RMDC 2015-11-06 20:03
This is indeed a crisis for any repubican. Imagine a republican candidate for president who has not stabbed someone (in the back or the front) in order promote his career. Now Carson is the lone non-back-stabbe r on the stage. He will be shunned by republicans from the east to the west.

It may not be too late. He can go out right now and stab someone. Better hurry. The next debate is coming soon.
 
 
+43 # FIRSTNORN1 2015-11-07 06:03
Quoting RMDC:
This is indeed a crisis for any repubican. Imagine a republican candidate for president who has not stabbed someone (in the back or the front) in order promote his career. Now Carson is the lone non-back-stabber on the stage. He will be shunned by republicans from the east to the west.

It may not be too late. He can go out right now and stab someone. Better hurry. The next debate is coming soon.


In a "two-for-one" special, I'd like to suggest that Ben-baby go out and stab Clarence Thomas.
 
 
+5 # marind 2015-11-07 15:30
Oh! From your mouth to God's ears!
 
 
+59 # Dongi 2015-11-06 21:21
Maybe, Dr. Carson can substitute a gun for a knife. That way he can establish an immediate link with all those Republicans who own guns. He could concoct some tale about how he shot some liberal critic of the ROTC in Detroit and escaped doing time because of his connections with General Westmoreland. His campaign, no doubt, would continue to soar.
 
 
+57 # BobboMax 2015-11-06 23:22
As they say, "Ya can't make this stuff up."
 
 
+9 # RMDC 2015-11-07 13:44
Yes, no one could make up any of the antics of the Republican candidates for president. These are highly talented clowns -- "talent on loan from God!!!!!" -- as the grand master of them all likes to say.
 
 
+52 # m... 2015-11-06 23:24
I think Carson's only option now is to perform brain surgery on himself live in front of a bipartisan audience made up of mostly humans and the so called 'press'...
He could also dare Trump to follow his lead, ignore Rubio and dare Ted Cruz not to.
Bim... Bam... Bahdda... Bing
Who could ask for anything more..?
 
 
+32 # RMDC 2015-11-07 07:26
Why stop there. He could do a brain transplant on all the repubican candidates. God knows, they all need it. There must be plenty of spare brains at Hopkins just sitting in jars of formaldehyde. I would suggest putting a Latino brain in Donald Trump.
 
 
+5 # Salus Populi 2015-11-07 22:12
Going back to "Young Frankenstein," perhaps the brain labeled "Abby Normal" would actually boost Carson's, as well as any other Repug cantdidate who might claim its, intelligence -- perhaps even improve their sense of morality.
 
 
+6 # nancyw 2015-11-07 12:42
This surgery means he would at least stab himself with a knife. This is two for the price of one!
 
 
+49 # Texas Aggie 2015-11-06 23:57
The fact that RSM feels it is necessary to put a disclaimer at the top saying that this is satire, not real, is a very sad commentary on the state of our society.
 
 
+17 # Pancho 2015-11-07 03:21
It's a sad commentary, but necessary. Some RSN readers believe some pretty wild conspiracy theories. The truth also, is often stranger than fiction.
 
 
-23 # FIRSTNORN1 2015-11-07 06:09
Quoting Texas Aggie:
The fact that RSM feels it is necessary to put a disclaimer at the top saying that this is satire, not real, is a very sad commentary on the state of our society.

I could not agree more with Texas Aggie; why don't we all refuse to contribute anything to RSN until they remove this ridiculous disclaimer. Do they really fear the lawyers that much?
 
 
+15 # marind 2015-11-07 15:32
Given the current American political cesspit, it's getting to be almost impossible to write political satire. The GOP reporting alone always sounds like The Onion.
 
 
-12 # kevenwood 2015-11-07 00:14
Today on CNN, they did a report going after Carson. The report was, in a nutshell:

Carson's book speaks of several anger incidents during his younger years and how he used prayer to get beyond it. However, CNN investigators spoke with around 10 of Carson's friends who said they had no knowledge of an anger issue, though one said they had heard something about it. A CNN reporter in an interview with Carson presses him saying our investigations are not finding anything here, so are you misleading the public in your book?

Well, I don't feel comfortable with this at all. I'm a progressive (and I support Bernie),but this is BS. It reminds me of Fox News thinking. Just because an investigator talks with 10 past friends, that proves nothing. I'm sure Carson had over a hundred friends, so the sample is too small. I think this is a case of the press barking up the wrong tree (and kind of looking immature in the process).

Again, I do NOT support Carson for Pres, but this "story" is stupid. It's a non story.
 
 
+32 # m... 2015-11-07 00:17
Well, just like when it comes from Fox, the Compellers of Mass Eye-Rolling, the story you mention comes from CNN, the Compellers of Mass Snoring...
After all, the most INFORMATIVE News comes from outside the United States these days.
 
 
+24 # Bob-Investigates 2015-11-07 00:48
Yes, BBC and Reuters.
 
 
+12 # Dongi 2015-11-07 02:12
Don't forget RT!
 
 
+14 # tclose 2015-11-07 10:16
Don't forget The Guardian. Including Guardian/US.
 
 
+4 # Bruce Gruber 2015-11-07 08:00
Is there any likelihood that CNN polled Carson's "friends" from Facebook?
 
 
+3 # kevenwood 2015-11-07 12:11
I'm puzzled as to why I am getting negatives above.

I would like to hear from someone as to why.

Do RSN readers feel that the CNN "story" about Carson needing to prove he did, in fact, have anger issues a real story?
 
 
+2 # m... 2015-11-07 20:00
I gave you thumbs up...
If I read you correctly, then it compares to my thoughts.
Americans want actual NEWS, and not from Talkinghead Stars, but from real, actual Journalists. And, they want News READERS to simply state the news that is KNOWN and VERIFIED, aka-- 'Actual News'...
In my mind, the last 3 decades has cost us dearly when it comes to how its affected our so called 'Free' Press. Now, I mostly see a narrowly owned 'Press' that exists for the benefit of its Global Shareholders.
America has a Constitution and supposedly a Constitutionall y Mandated 'FREE PRESS'... Or at least it is supposed to have a Press that cannot be infringed upon by acts of Congress.
I think its time to ask ourselves; When the Framers of the Constitution wrote those words--- ''The First Amendment (Amendment I) to the United States Constitution prohibits the making of any law... infringing on the freedom of the press...''... Were they speaking in 'Business or purely Capitalist' terms that declared the Press to be an 'Exempted Industry'...? -OR- Were they speaking of a Free Press in terms of a 'Concept' related to Freedom and Liberty for ALL? (i.e. an Industry that requires a thoughtful Regulatory and Doctrinal Framework in order to meet the Constitutional Measure of 'Free')
We've just been led through a 3 decade long Conservative-Ca pitalistic Deregulation Bender in America that included striping away Media Ownership Regulations and the Fairness Doctrine.
And so, is our Press 'FREE' now..?
 
 
+2 # m... 2015-11-07 20:59
My view
Congress (in the collective, through time) Infringed on 'Freedom of the Press' by way of regulating-NOT regulating according to the Concept of what Freedom of the Press means.
They have done so by treating The Press as any other industry viewed through a Political Lens which, in these times, is heavily influenced by an ideology that seeks a more 'pure and uninhibited' Capitalist System as portrayed and sought after by a Conservative- Business-Politi cal Mindset through efforts to deregulate it as an 'Industry' without consideration of what 'Concept' of Freedom of the Press Our Founders had in mind when they wrote and signed off on the phrase: The First Amendment (Amendment I) to the United States Constitution prohibits the making of any law... infringing on the FREEDOM of the press...'')?
Personally, I think Congress and the Executive violated the First Amendment big time (like crossing a threshold at some point) with the deregulation of Media Ownership Rules time and again and when the Fairness Doctrine in Media ended.
'Conceptually' speaking, they greatly infringed on the Freedom of the Press through systematic-coll ective Congressional actions over time which has resulted in a 'Press' that is now dominated by a very few Corporate 'Persons' acting exclusively in the narrow interests of increasing their Shareholders' Wealth.
There are laws-regulation s-doctrines which can Infringe upon Freedom and those which PROTECT it. We have lost our 'Free' Press Protections.
 
 
+4 # 1wolff 2015-11-07 07:07
As they yell at players or refs who screw up at UK (that's the University of Kentucky for those of you who live on Mars), "Aw c'mon!"

Ben, Benny, Benjamin, all three of you should be able to do better. Just get it together.
 
 
+13 # RMDC 2015-11-07 07:23
I heard recently that one of Carson's main advisors is Armstrong Williams. This accounts for a lot of the lunacy. Williams has run for the presidency before just as a way of making a lot of money from the process.
 
 
-3 # cashthischeck 2015-11-07 13:11
piling on-

new repotes that #UnkaBenCarson #STABBEDNO1 done sent his #StupidAss plummeting enda latest #ReBuckraCon Presidential polls- viaAndyBorowitz

s'tweetable2 y'all!
 
 
+7 # Pikewich 2015-11-07 21:18
This is simply the best Andy Borowitz spoof yet. Got me laughing out loud.

As for all the comments back and forth above, why bother?

The GOP presidential horse race is not worth the effort. It is truly a clown show.
 

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