ISIS Confused by Trump's Hotel Analogies

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

11 July 15

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

spokesman for ISIS said on Tuesday that its leaders were “genuinely confused” by the abundant hotel analogies in Presidential candidate Donald Trump’s announcement speech, acknowledging that they were having a difficult time understanding how his colorful anecdotes about running a hotel empire translated into a strategy to defeat the terror group.

In a prepared statement, the ISIS spokesman said that Trump’s pronouncements about such hotel-industry concerns as air-conditioning and renting the proper-sized ballroom were creating confusion within ISIS, as the group’s leaders struggled to determine how any of the examples applied to them.

“We’re having a very hard time making sense of the speech,” the ISIS spokesman said. “He talked about defeating us, but it seemed like what he was saying was pretty specific to hotels.”

Minutes after the statement was released, Trump responded that the fact that he had confused ISIS “means I’m already winning the war against it.”

“In every one of my hotels, you’ve got elevators,” Trump said. “Some of them go up, some of them go down. ISIS is going down.”