Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

17 May 15

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

cientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

The research, conducted by the University of Minnesota, identifies a virulent strain of humans who are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving scientists at a loss as to how to combat them.

�These humans appear to have all the faculties necessary to receive and process information,� Davis Logsdon, one of the scientists who contributed to the study, said. �And yet, somehow, they have developed defenses that, for all intents and purposes, have rendered those faculties totally inactive.�

More worryingly, Logsdon said, �As facts have multiplied, their defenses against those facts have only grown more powerful.�

While scientists have no clear understanding of the mechanisms that prevent the fact-resistant humans from absorbing data, they theorize that the strain may have developed the ability to intercept and discard information en route from the auditory nerve to the brain. �The normal functions of human consciousness have been completely nullified,� Logsdon said.

While reaffirming the gloomy assessments of the study, Logsdon held out hope that the threat of fact-resistant humans could be mitigated in the future. �Our research is very preliminary, but it�s possible that they will become more receptive to facts once they are in an environment without food, water, or oxygen,� he said.