Republican Candidates Descend on Iowa

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

26 January 15

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

epublican Presidential candidates descended on Iowa over the weekend, giving Iowans a rare opportunity to evaluate all thirty thousand hopefuls in one place.

The candidates were a big hit with their G.O.P. audience, who attempted to determine which of the thirty thousand would do the best job of eviscerating Obamacare and deporting college students.

Attendees gave an especially warm welcome to the businessman Donald Trump, whose potential entry into the 2016 race would instantly raise the credibility of everyone else.

In a speech laden with red meat for the Republican faithful, Trump explained how his experience of hosting a reality TV show would prove invaluable in defeating the Islamic State in Iraq and al-Sham (ISIS).

But Iowans reserved their most enthusiastic response for Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, who laid out an ambitious vision for depriving future generations of a living wage.

Asked how he hopes history will remember him, Walker said, “If I have my way, there will be no one teaching history.”