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Borowitz writes: "In an escalation of the stalemate gripping Washington, House Republicans voted today to shut down the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that controls reasoning and impulses."

Speaker of the House John Boehner. (photo: Susan Walsh/AP)
Speaker of the House John Boehner. (photo: Susan Walsh/AP)


Republicans Shut Down Prefrontal Cortex

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

09 October 13

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

n an escalation of the stalemate gripping Washington, House Republicans voted today to shut down the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that controls reasoning and impulses.

The resolution, which passed with heavy Tea Party support, calls for a partial shutdown of the brain, leaving the medulla and cerebellum, sometimes referred to as the "reptilian brain," up and running.

The Tea Party caucus cheered the passage of the bill, which was sponsored by Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, who called the measure "long overdue."

House Speaker John Boehner (R., Ohio) offered no timetable for restarting the prefrontal cortex, telling reporters, "It will most certainly remain shut down during any negotiations with the President. That's the only leverage we have."

Representative Bachmann agreed: "The President can go ahead and put a gun to our heads. There's nothing there."

While the G.O.P.'s decision to shut down the prefrontal cortex rattled Wall Street, the neuroscientist Davis Logsdon said it should be seen as little more than a symbolic vote, noting, "It's actually been shut down since the 2008 election."

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+84 # pernsey 2013-10-09 16:46
Hahahaha the brain dead Teaparty/GOP... the longer this nonsense plays out the more of my republican friends are finding their prefrontal cortex's LOL!!! The GOP are losing ground with people...they arent blaming Obama anymore, so their brainwashing tactics are back firing on them, now only the craziest of the crazy are still backing the Teabaglicans. I know this is meant to be satire, but yet again its more true then not.
 
 
+10 # AndreM5 2013-10-10 09:01
Quoting pernsey:
I know this is meant to be satire, but yet again its more true then not.


If it wasn't it wouldn't be satire.
 
 
+7 # bingers 2013-10-09 22:15
Orange is the new skidmark.
 
 
+21 # keenon the truth 2013-10-09 23:05
I really laughed out LOUD just at the headline!!!! So funny. So sad, too.
 
 
+18 # Milarepa 2013-10-10 00:10
Wonderful stuff, Andy!
 
 
+34 # Aaron Tovish 2013-10-10 00:20
So now it might be more appropriate to call them the "Reptilian Party."
 
 
+27 # unitedwestand 2013-10-10 00:41
This satire hits the mark. The face of the Teabapublican is Michelle Bachman? What a farce they all are. Give us some old time Republicans then maybe we can listen to them.

It is a shame to see the Grand Old Party making such a**es of themselves. It is criminal that their actions are destroying the very core of American life. So SHAME ON THE TEAPUBLICANS!
 
 
+16 # sapereaudeprime 2013-10-10 04:40
Too close to the truth. But very funny.
 
 
+21 # Trish42 2013-10-10 06:30
LOL, how could we get through this without humor. I don't know, but if you're curious, ask a member of the tea party; they never have had any....
 
 
+16 # FIRSTNORN1 2013-10-10 06:41
Great comment, pernsey; let's all hope and pray that Obama will be 100% firm and not give in to these idiot "Teabaglicans" even 1/1000th of an inch. Ever since his election in 2008, the Repuglicans have tried to destroy him and now, perhaps, some chickens are coming home to roost.
 
 
+29 # fredboy 2013-10-10 07:29
Silly Andy:

Republicans don't HAVE a prefrontal cortex!
 
 
+20 # Billy Bob 2013-10-10 07:37
Once again, Republicans are only shutting down the portion that they don't believe should exist anyway. It's a win win for them.
 
 
+6 # Merschrod 2013-10-10 07:44
There certainly has be arcing at the synapses, and also some blockage between the process part and the kneejerk parts of the reflexive parts - forget the idea of a sympathetic nervous system. Sort of like those cruel frog experiments. In their amphibian-sort of state, then, they can't help feel the heating going up. That is bad b/c some politicos call for turning up the heat on those loosers. When that pot boils over, just be prepared to mop up and clean the stove.

Wait! Isn't that what Obama was supposed to do? Clean up the mess left by the shrub's sloppy crew.
 
 
+22 # walt 2013-10-10 08:13
While Borowitz writes satire, I still find this article totally plausible!

This line, in particular, tells me it's must be true:

"The President can go ahead and put a gun to our heads. There's nothing there."

Definitely. "Nothing there!"
 
 
+11 # bmiluski 2013-10-10 09:17
If I didn't know better, I'd say this whole tea-bag thing was conjured up by the democrats to destroy the republican party. How diabolical..... ...it's working.
 
 
+11 # geraldom 2013-10-10 10:36
I must unfortunately disagree with you. The Repubs aren't morons or idiots or naive about what they're doing. They're extremely diabolical. They're doing what they're doing because they (actually) can away with it with minimal damage to their party and their power.

This has been a well planned and well organized and concerted effort on their part over the past 2 to 3 decades to take over the electoral system in this country, and thanks to the idiotic and naive and dumb Dems, and with the actual support of the Dems, they have achieved this nefarious goal and now can do whatever they want and get away with it.

The Repubs are now in control of the federal court system, most especially SCOTUS. I wouldn't want to be a progressive judge on SCOTUS today. It would be extremely frustrating to keep on losing as they have almost all the time.

The Repubs are also in control of most of the state and local court systems in this country, and, as a result of HAVA created by a Repub-controlle d Congress and signed off by a corrupt Repub president, G.W. Bush, and not blocked by the Dems, the Repubs now control most of the elections at the federal, state and local levels because all elections now mandate the use of corrupt and fraudulent e-voting machines designed, manufactured, and programmed by corporations that favor the Republican Party.

I would also like to add here the extremely successful gerrymandering efforts by the Repubs as a result of the 2010 midterm catastrophe.
 
 
-15 # croc1 2013-10-10 09:28
Several times I have considered unsubscribing from RSN as a waste of reading time. Usually I just hit the delete button. Then, RSN comes up with a knowledgeable, timely, interesting piece, and I forget. I applaud Andy Borowitz for his wit and insight. However, I take the shut down, the Republican terrorists, the looming default, and the suffering imposed on the American people with great empathy, concern and seriousness. Their lunacy will affect me and my family, infect and inflict pain on many future generations. If I want satire I can go to Rush Limbaugh or FOX News. I'm sorry Andy, I see no mirth, amusement or entertainment in people's hardship and suffering. Nor should we make light of what is unfolding in our government. The dismantling of American Society.
croc1
 
 
+9 # Caliban 2013-10-10 09:55
Croc1--Your dismay at the plight of the country is more than understandable. But going to FOX and Rush is not going to give you satire. It is, unfortunately, their rather revolting reality. But reading Andy B is reading real satire; you get to laugh for a moment, which is good for the psyche
 
 
+5 # balconesfalk 2013-10-10 09:37
The problem is that 48% of the voters don't even know that they have a cerebellum.
 
 
+12 # davidh7426 2013-10-10 10:46
If the Republicans shut down the Prefrontal Cortex...

Would anybody notice the difference ??
 
 
+7 # LeeBlack 2013-10-10 10:53
As usual the Republican legislators are behind the public - this action of shutting down the frontal cortex has already happened with a certain group of voters.
 
 
+5 # Sunflower 2013-10-11 08:29
Why can't we, who oppose war, are concerned with climate change, oppose capital punishment and solitary confinement, who want all children to have access to good educations from headstart years through college... and
all the other things humane and kind people would want...

Why can't we get our act together and elect a bunch of Congresspeople to represent Our wishes??

The Teaparty people don't have a monopoly on this tactic, although they do have a lot of financial backing, and I notice, have consistently gotten a lot more press coverage than peace activists have...

Let's call it the PeaceParty !!!
 
 
0 # Cassandra2012 2013-10-14 16:09
Repugnican gerrymandering, that's why.
 

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