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Borowitz writes: "Justice Scalia said he had 'no other alternative' but to pick a new Pope himself after reading what he called a 'disturbing' interview with Pope Francis today."

Pope Francis puts flowers on the altar inside St. Mary Major Basilica, 03/14/13. (photo: L'Osservatore Romano/AP)
Pope Francis puts flowers on the altar inside St. Mary Major Basilica, 03/14/13. (photo: L'Osservatore Romano/AP)


Scalia Forms Search Committee for New Pope

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

20 September 13

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

aying he was "sorry it had to come to this," Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said today that he was forming an "independent search committee" to select a new Pope.

The visibly upset jurist appeared at a press conference with the sole other member of the newly formed search committee, Justice Clarence Thomas.

Justice Scalia said he had "no other alternative" but to pick a new Pope himself after reading what he called a "disturbing" interview with Pope Francis today: "The Pope said he doesn't want to speak out against abortion and gay marriage. Well, sorry, my friend, but that's the entire job description. You should have thought of that before you let them blow that white smoke in Rome."

Justice Scalia acknowledged that only the College of Cardinals has the legal authority to choose a Pope, but added, "Quite frankly, those jokers got us into this mess. Right, Clarence?"

Justice Thomas had no comment.

 

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+20 # JohnBoanerges 2013-09-20 21:13
If Clarance Thomas had no comment, who are we to?
 
 
+31 # bigkahuna671 2013-09-20 21:30
The Pope better watch it or Scalia will kick him out of the Catholic Church. In a related story, Scalia and Thomas have decided to form their own church to be known as the Reformed Catholic Church with headquarters in Oklahoma City.
 
 
+38 # kalpal 2013-09-21 02:43
I fully agree with Clarence Thomas's comment and congratulate him on such an incisive analysis.
 
 
+52 # bingers 2013-09-21 02:55
While this is satire I can totally see this exact scenario happening in the fevered brain of the worst justice in history.
 
 
+22 # James Marcus 2013-09-21 03:02
Schmuck that he is!
Some Egos, are self appointed Idiots,
Sitting on A Bench, or otherwise
 
 
+12 # JohnBoanerges 2013-09-21 04:15
If Clarence Thomas has no comment, what can I or anyone say?
 
 
+18 # OldSalt65 2013-09-21 05:22
At first I thought Justice Scalia had gone power mad. On second thought, Americans have been at odds with the Roman Papacy for decades. We may be ripe for a break from the Vatican. Perhaps he will resign and name himself as the American pope. Or maybe hold both positions. Or crown himself as king, emperor or some sort of deity. I really love to watch people in high places behave foolishly.
 
 
+4 # chgostan 2013-09-21 05:24
.... and on another note:

"Dementia is set to rise from 35.6 million people globally to at least 115 million by the middle of the century according to the World Health Organization (WHO). By 2030. There will be at least 65 million people with dementia. Furthermore, 58% of people with dementia today are from low-to-middle income nations. By 2050 look for those numbers to total over 70% of all individuals with dementia."
 
 
+8 # Skyelav 2013-09-21 07:30
the papacy better not forget whom they are working for
 
 
+26 # ChristopherCurrie 2013-09-21 08:15
In his Citizens United ruling, Justice Antonin Scalia dishonestly amended the US Constitution in a HUGELY fundamental way without going through the process for amending the US Constitution that is specified in the US Constitution itself. So for him to view the new Pope as a "revisionist" is like "the pot calling the kettle black", except in this case the new Pope is telling the truth.
 
 
+1 # bingers 2013-09-21 15:31
Yeah, but this is satire. But on a serious note, the last time they had a liberal Pope, John XXIII, they murdered him. I see that happening again.
 
 
+3 # JohnBoanerges 2013-09-22 04:09
Murdered???? Pope, John XXIII, died of stomach cancer in 1963.
 
 
+1 # Rita Walpole Ague 2013-09-22 05:46
Dear bingers, any of us active/speaking up and out justice seekers have that hatchet hanging over our heads, including murdered Pope John XXIII and this brave and determined new Pope Francis (thank God for him, and all he appears to be willing to do).

Evil ain't nothin' new, and neither is martyrdom. God knows, we need leaders in each and every country, religion, justice and peace organization in the world today, speaking up and out - talking the talk and then walking the walk, to begin to bring about our such immensely needed CHANGE.

Who understands that beloved man/God Jesus was martyr of all martyrs, with his kicking of the money grabbers out of the temple, demanding we care for the poor (yep, Jesus was a 'socialist') etc.? Could be this Pope. From my mouth to God's ear, as we'd say in Ireland.
 
 
+1 # bigkahuna671 2013-09-22 08:39
Have you ever wondered - did they use the same people who killed JFK? For some reason, I think so!
 
 
0 # bmiluski 2013-09-23 08:06
"The Pope said he doesn't want to speak out against abortion and gay marriage.
Hmmm, yet nothing was said about the rights of women and their second class status in the catholic church.
 
 
+2 # bmiluski 2013-09-23 08:06
"The Pope said he doesn't want to speak out against abortion and gay marriage.
Hmmm, yet nothing was said about the rights of women and their second class status in the catholic church.
 

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