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Borowitz writes: "The G8 summit ended today on a constructive note, with President Obama and Russia's Vladimir Putin reaching a broad agreement never to speak to each other again."

Borowitz: 'After signing the agreement, the two men shook hands for the final time and scowled bitterly for photographers.' (photo: Jewel Samad/AFP/Getty Images)
Borowitz: 'After signing the agreement, the two men shook hands for the final time and scowled bitterly for photographers.' (photo: Jewel Samad/AFP/Getty Images)



Obama, Putin Agree Never to Speak to Each Other Again

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

19 June 13

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

he G8 summit ended today on a constructive note, with President Obama and Russia's Vladimir Putin reaching a broad agreement never to speak to each other again.

"It's better this way," said Mr. Obama, frostily standing in the general vicinity of Mr. Putin for the last time ever. "We truly despise each other."

"I couldn't agree more," said Mr. Putin, looking as though he had just smelled something bad. "My hatred of this man knows no bounds."

According to the agreement, economic cooperation, cyber security, human rights, the war in Syria, and the New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft's missing Super Bowl ring are among thirty-seven different topics that the two men will never again discuss.

Additionally, at all future summits, if either Mr. Obama or Mr. Putin enters a room the other man will be obligated to leave immediately.

The two men reached agreement on an unprecedented number of points, including never contacting each other via telephone or e-mail and keeping a minimum of five hundred feet away from each other's residences.

After signing the agreement, the two men shook hands for the final time and scowled bitterly for photographers.

 

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+12 # cordleycoit 2013-06-19 19:43
Good theater, poor acting, to be expected. Everywhere Obama goes recently he's had to change the discussion.
 
 
+32 # Activista 2013-06-19 19:56
The joke:
Putin popularity is 64% in Russia .. steady
Obama popularity is 45% in the USA ..and sinking
If only Obama would get rid of Oligarchs (like Putin did in Russia ..) .. but as they say:
Do not bite the hand that feeds you ...
 
 
+10 # Eldon J. Bloedorn 2013-06-19 22:07
You may want to update your statistics: Check the latest approval ratings-PEW Research:Obama 49 % Washington Post, ABC NEWS: 51 % Obama's rating are not "and sinking." Your statistics are the joke.
 
 
-3 # Activista 2013-06-20 10:54
www.pollingreport.com/obama_job.htm
Pew 49%
CNN/ORC 45%
Time 48%
Fox RV 44%
......
Obama popularity (updated) is sinking ...
 
 
+2 # Activista 2013-06-20 13:41
getting cnegative for publishing latest statistics from www.pollingreport.com/obama_job.htm
Some USA volks are sure ready for One fuhrer ...
 
 
+6 # hammermann 2013-06-21 02:42
I think Obama's pop is sinking, though I think day to day obsessing about these numbers is stupid- 30% will NEVER approve of him since he's not a whiter shade of pale (whatever that actually means). But in Russia, where I spent near 3 years, some 30% would elect Stalin if he was running, so they ain't the best pool of "citizens" to be comparing polls with. Putin is a thug who destroyed Russia's nascent democracy. On the other hand, agree wholeheartedly with Obama crushing many oligarchs. Not holding my breath.
 
 
-2 # Activista 2013-06-21 09:46
"Putin is a thug who destroyed Russia's nascent democracy ..?"
Yeltsin oligarchs was NOT a democracy for .. from .. by the people -- more like the USA ..from ...by .. for the rich.
Putin saved Russian economy ..
 
 
+1 # Activista 2013-06-21 15:37
Putin is a thug who destroyed Russia's nascent democracy? i.e. rule of oligarchs?
"The army, which had initially declared its neutrality, by Yeltsin's orders stormed the Supreme Soviet building in the early morning hours of October 4, and arrested the leaders of the resistance.
The ten-day conflict became the deadliest single event of street fighting in Moscow's history since the October Revolution of 1917.[1] According to government estimates, 187 people were killed and 437 wounded, while sources close to Russian communists put the death toll at as high as 2,000."
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1993_Russian_constitutional_crisis
 
 
+1 # hammermann 2013-06-22 06:32
The October revolt was a treasonous violent overthrow attempt by Anti-Yeltsin- Comms, Nationalists, Neo-nazis, punks, armed with 100's of Kalishnikovs, APC's, RPG's- directly egged on by his Veep- Rutskoi and Speaker of Parliament- Kasbulatov. They attacked the police line, overran and destroyed the 33 story Kiev City Gov skyscraper, besieged the Ostankino TV center with a thousand people. Before Yeltsin responded at all ~9pm, dozens had been killed, and he only got the Army's help after begging them at 5am. If the relatively tiny group of revolutionaries had won (1000-2000?), Yeltsin would have probably been killed as well as many businessman- they didn't differentiate between oligarchs and anybody who had any money, and a neo-Communist state reimposed.

I know- I was there and had bullets hitting about 15 ft from me. They say ~500 people were killed- I think it was more like double. I had plenty of criticism of how he handled the aftermath (and premath), acting like a victorious czar and crushing every other source of authority. There was no guide to freeing a completely frozen planned economy that ignored all economic rules- huge mistakes were made, but Yeltsin for the first time gave people freedom from the KGB terror that had afflicted them and hope that better days would come. You can't imagine how beaten down the people were when I arrive in Nov 91- they couldn't lift their little finger to do anything because the Party had made sure "it was impossible Michael".
 
 
0 # hammermann 2013-06-22 06:39
Putin had huge oil prices to help him out, and he smartly created $1/2 bil stabilization fund, and brought stabilization.. . but he crushed or bought out every media (had to when the KGB did terrorist bombings of apt bldgs) and did the same to the Duma and every other political power in the country. I'm sure US could have stabilization too if the far right establishes a corporo-religio us dictatorship.

http://members.surfbest.net/mikehammer/24hours.html
10th Anniversary of Moscow Oct '93 Revolt - (EXCL. AUDIO REPORT) - VIOLENT COMMUNIST ATTACK that ALMOST DEPOSED YELTSIN -200 killed in 2 days of battles at WHITE HOUSE and OSTANKINO TV CENTER - 7min w 24 Hours in October Revolt- article + photos
 
 
+2 # rhgreen 2013-06-22 12:15
Not sure about Activista's stats but Putin is certainly right about Syria whereas Obama, who was right for quite a while, is wrong and getting wronger. Analogous to Obama's popularity sinking, perhaps.
 
 
+5 # albertchampion 2013-06-19 19:59
the best thing is, we now see who is the real humanitarian.

vladdy the spy.
 
 
+12 # Working Class 2013-06-19 20:32
Hold on to your gas tank. Nothing in Syria is as it seems. Syria has either the second or third largest oil reserves in the Middle East. Russia has had the inside track.....this will never do. Here we go again.
 
 
+2 # Texas Aggie 2013-06-20 14:51
You noticed that, did you? Good for you.
 
 
+4 # mppeace 2013-06-19 20:34
If a picture is worth a thousand words, that photo of Obama and Putin practically growling at each other shows how icy the meeting between them was at the G-8. Mr "O-bomber" must have wondered, why would Vladmir be against the USA/NATO's perfectly "humanitarian" intervention(wi th more lethal weapons to aid the al-Qaeda jihadists)in Syria?
 
 
+8 # Majikman 2013-06-19 20:59
Now if Obama and Nutin yahoo could come to the same agreement, there'd be peace in the valley.
 
 
-5 # Robert B 2013-06-19 21:08
I wish you guys would stop running this bullshit. And I wish the New Yorker would, too.
 
 
+9 # Rick Levy 2013-06-19 22:30
Have they tried couples counseling?
 
 
0 # RMDC 2013-06-20 01:39
I certainly don't want to speak to or listen to Obama again. He's betrayed all of his promises. He's the Nobel Peace Prize winner who can't stop starting wars.

I think Russia and the other BRICS nations should assert their authority. They are not in debt. Western economies owe them trillions of dollars. They are not a war, while NATO is at war all over the world. I'd say that the BRICS nations should impose economic sanctions on the West.
 
 
+2 # bmiluski 2013-06-20 06:33
Exactly which war has he started? He's been trying to stay out of the middle-east conflicts and has been getting all sorts of moans and groans from you people. If you're going to post something, at least make sure you know what you're ranting about.
 
 
+9 # Eldon J. Bloedorn 2013-06-20 08:15
McCain: "I never met a country I did not want to bomb." The dollar bill and an itch to kill.
 
 
+4 # Activista 2013-06-20 16:11
Exactly which war has he started?
Libya
Iraq
Yemen
Somalia
Pakistan
Afghanistan
By cleverly using international bodies, advanced war technology, and new covert capabilities, President Obama – following a long line of presidents before him -- has been redefining the meaning of going to war. Now, instead of "war," the U.S. is engaged in "missions," "operations" and "counterinsurge ncy campaigns." ..
www.nationaljournal.com/nationalsecurity/pictures-obama-s-six-wars-so-far-20110701#photo_3
 
 
+2 # hammermann 2013-06-21 02:46
Sorry act, but for Libya, every one of these wars/conflicts/ police actions already existed when BO came in. Started means started.
 
 
0 # Activista 2013-06-21 12:29
Obama put new name on old conflicts (wars) - but it smells like a war ..
And of course we forgot SYRIA war - nobody noticed that??? - (spreading to Lebanon, Jordan ...) - there are more wars under the Obama, then under the Bush ...
 
 
0 # Regina 2013-06-20 07:51
After all the Bush-Cheney oil wars, Obama is a comparative peacenik.
 
 
+3 # davidh7426 2013-06-20 05:04
It's always a shame when couples split up, it's always very tough on the family and friends, having to decide who to side with in the inevitable arguments at the family get togethers...

But what I'd like to know is...

Who gets the kids and the dog, and who has to pay alimony ?
 
 
+9 # bmiluski 2013-06-20 06:34
Forget the kids and the dog, who gets the oil?
 
 
+10 # randrjwr 2013-06-20 08:23
Quoting davidh7426:
It's always a shame when couples split up, it's always very tough on the family and friends, having to decide who to side with in the inevitable arguments at the family get togethers...

But what I'd like to know is...

Who gets the kids and the dog, and who has to pay alimony ?



We the people will pay the alimony, like we always do.
 
 
0 # tahoevalleylines 2013-06-20 10:34
Jaw, Jaw, Jaw; or War,War, War....

Chess pieces continue to move in Syria as stage sets up for (or to forestall) pre-emptive strike on Iranian nuclear weapons facilities.

Windows open and close. If immediate removal of Syrian air forces (primary means of WMD delivery) takes place, resulting ground force status quo would be manageable. Not likely with an overcautious US Executive, so we see an emboldened Russia unwittingly bringing more toys & personnel into vulnerable position if the game plays out as now heading:

US plays passive role, encouraging Russian meddling. Israel continues to hunker down & drill for WMD, bracing for concerted strikes from assorted likely suspects, freshly minted regimes from Arab Spring... Pray NATO curbs save Turkey!

Wounded and desperate, Israel reacts with disastrous results to foes round about. Just as described in Psalm 83 & Isaiah 17; more recently in Cordesman's M.E. war consequence papers. Russian losses probably shall be too serious for Mr. Superbowl Agent Putin to survive politically- The Czar's dream of a warm water port slips away again!

Pre-emption of madmen with war toys is actually wise if & when the aftermath is properly managed.. As things go in our sad world, US & EU countries can expect long period of motor fuel rationing as this decade plays out.
 
 
0 # hammermann 2013-06-21 03:13
Got no idea how to respond- seems you have some accurate and prescient analysis with some highly dubious apocalyptic scenarios- which aren't nonsense if a nuke is ever detonated in the so-called Holy Land (the ONLY WMD). Syria is never going to bomb Israel though- apart from the Israeli's erasing the entire Syrian Air Force in 2005 or 2006 without losing a plane, it would be suicide. Russia's growing buildup is bad news and dangerous- Putin wants to keep their naval port no matter what. Arab Spring countries are far from attacking Israel- they've got their own internecine struggles; and NATO curbs on Turkey, what, attacking Syria??? Their enormous rage against Assad is inexplicable- think it is the reduction of everything to Sunni vs Shiite, and lets not forget, ME was all Ottoman Empire 100 years ago. Think in his Islamic fervor, Recip has shades of Sultanism.
 
 
0 # tabonsell 2013-06-20 15:00
Ochen Horosho.

Dobria Izvestia.

(phonetic spelling, of course.)
 
 
+1 # tigerlille 2013-06-20 23:09
I think this is Borowitz's best piece yet: the photo, the caption, the headline, the story are all absolute perfection. Genius. And a lot of the comments are pretty witty too. I needed the laugh.
 
 
0 # Activista 2013-06-21 09:59
The picture is great, the humor is juvenile .. low IQ
 
 
+1 # moafu@yahoo.com 2013-06-21 16:30
Cute,
and obviously satire......... or irony....

Looking at Syria we know what Pres. Zero meant when he sent msg. to PUtin that he would have "more flexibility" after the election.

shame on them !
May their efforts come to nothing !
 

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