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Durst writes: "We've made it through the Golden Globes and the Screen Actors Guild Awards, with the Grammy Awards and Oscars right around the corner, so this seems the perfect time to weigh in with the barnacle on the belly of the awards ship."

Political satirist Will Durst. (photo: WillDurst.com)
Political satirist Will Durst. (photo: WillDurst.com)


2013 Political Animal Awards

By Will Durst, Humor Times

04 Febuary 13

 

Warning: It’s awards season. But I’m here to help.

ey! You! Yes, you. Sorry. Just trying to get your attention to impart an important warning here. For the next couple weeks, it's imperative all you good folks out there stay alert and keep your wits about you. Remove the earbuds, no texting while walking, and you'd be well-advised to brandish a stainless steel umbrella on the street because it's awards season and golden-plated statuettes are being tossed about like manhole covers during an underground methane explosion.

We've made it through the Golden Globes and the Screen Actors Guild Awards, with the Grammy Awards and Oscars right around the corner, so this seems the perfect time to weigh in with the barnacle on the belly of the awards ship:

The 15th annual Will Durst Political Animal Awards

THE BEST IMPRESSION OF REANIMATED HALLOWEEN PUMPKIN AWARD: And the winner is... oh, forgive me, that's right, we're all winners here. The award goes to Kentucky Sen. Mitch McConnell.

BEST DIRECTION OF A COMEDY: To Mitt Romney's campaign manager, Matt Rhoades.

THE HE SHOULD SWITCH TO DECAF AND REALLY SOON AWARD: Vice President Joe Biden.

COLLATERAL DAMAGE AWARD: Still picking shrapnel out of his widow's peak, Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan.

THE CLOCK IS TICKING LOUD ENOUGH TO PIERCE EARDRUMS ON A COUPLE DIFFERENT CONTINENTS AWARD: Three-way tie! Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro and Bashar al-Assad.

THE YOU CAN GO HOME AGAIN AWARD: To former Gov. Sarah Palin, Fox News' gain is Alaska's loss.

HEART OF A PLUCKED CHICKEN AWARD: To Nevada Sen. Harry Reid for avoiding the alteration of Senate filibuster rules given the opportunity.

THE IT'S BETTER TO BE LUCKY THAN GOOD AWARD: For the second year in a row, POTUS Barack Obama.

THE YOUR FIFTEEN MINUTES WERE UP THIRTY MINUTES AGO AWARD: It's a tie: Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio and Lindsay Lohan.

THE WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY RETURN MY CALLS ANYMORE AWARD: Karl Rove, and it couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

THE YOU CAN KEEP A GOOD MAN DOWN AWARD: Former Massachusetts Sen. Scott Brown.

THE TAKING SIBLING RIVALRY TO A BRAND NEW LEVEL AWARD: The Harbaugh boys.

THE H.G. WELLS DATING SERVICE AWARD: Manti Te'o.

THE HEAD IN THE SAND LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD: The coveted Ostrich goes to executive vice president and CEO of the NRA, Wayne LaPierre.

THE BEAT A DEAD HORSE UNTIL WE'RE ALL COVERED IN A FINE RED MIST AWARD: Another tie: Sens. Lindsay Graham and John McCain who remain determined to get to the bottom of Chuck Hagel's role in Benghazi.

THE GEORGE HAMILTON TANNING AWARD: For the fourth consecutive year, Speaker of the House John Boehner.

POP GOES THE WEASEL AWARD: Lance Armstrong.

THE SISYPHUS AWARD: Marco Rubio, who has been handed sole responsibility for dragging the entire Republican Party across the immigration reform line.

THE OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES AWARD: Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal for suggesting the GOP "stop being the stupid party."

THE RIP VAN WINKLE AWARD: To Hillary Clinton for the well-deserved two-year nap she's about to take.

And finally, THE CONTINENT OF ATLANTIS AWARD: For the fastest, most complete disappearance in political history, Mitt Romney. They must have powered him down, folded him up and placed him back into the original packaging.


Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst's new e-book, "Elect to Laugh!" published by Hyperink, is now available at Redroom.com, Amazon and many other fine virtual book retailers near you. Or go to willdurst.com for more info.


 

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+9 # oakjoan 2013-02-04 12:52
Will Durst is often funny, but this list of his is made up of cheap shots at cliche "bad guys" without mentioning the main bad guy on the planet - US. Castro and Chavez have never invaded other countries half-way across the world. We've done it numerous times. C and C have actually provided housing for the homeless and taught people to read and taken some power away from the elite classes in Cuba and Ven. They've made mistakes, but those mistakes are NOTHING compared to our invasions of Vietnam, Iraq, etc. or our meddling in their affairs. If you think we did these things to help the citizens of those countries, you must be wearing gigantic blinders.

Chavez and Castro have actually done some really great things for their countries. I doubt that you read much of anything about Cuba or Venezuela outside of Time Mag or the local news. It'd do you good and make you ever so much more informed.
 
 
0 # tonenotvolume 2013-02-04 20:36
Oh c'mon, it is a funny list. Don't you think Chavez and Castro would if they could? If not, then you might check your blinders.
 
 
+8 # skipb48 2013-02-04 13:14
Very funny, to bad so much of it is true! :-)
 
 
+1 # rhgreen 2013-02-05 19:08
Re. THE CLOCK IS TICKING LOUD ENOUGH ones, I have to disagree. Maybe true for Bashar al-Assad but even there we don't know yet. Fidel Castro will die in his bed revered by most of his people. He and the Cubans withstood the best efforts of the large powerful U.S. to oust him for over half a century, a truly heroic accomplishment. His government is and has been recognized by most countries of the hemisphere and the world. The privations suffered by the Cubans have mostly been inflicted by the U.S. Everyone knows that. Castro replaced the truly awful U.S.-backed dictator Fulgencio Batista, and as for Hugo Chavez he replaced a right-wing government tied to U.S. oil interests and has been Venezuela's democratically elected President for over 13 years. He was re-elected in a free & fair election for a 3rd term in 2012.

The clock may be ticking for both Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez, but only in the sense that it is ticking for all us mortals. Castro is very old and Chavez is very sick, so they will go soon. But that is the clock ticking in a trivial sense, not what Will Durst is implying.
 
 
0 # MadSat 2013-02-05 21:43
Quoting oakjoan:
Will Durst is often funny, but this list of his is made up of cheap shots at cliche "bad guys" without mentioning the main bad guy on the planet - US. Castro and Chavez have never invaded other countries half-way across the world. We've done it numerous times. C and C have actually provided housing for the homeless and taught people to read and taken some power away from the elite classes in Cuba and Ven. They've made mistakes, but those mistakes are NOTHING compared to our invasions of Vietnam, Iraq, etc. or our meddling in their affairs. If you think we did these things to help the citizens of those countries, you must be wearing gigantic blinders.

Chavez and Castro have actually done some really great things for their countries. I doubt that you read much of anything about Cuba or Venezuela outside of Time Mag or the local news. It'd do you good and make you ever so much more informed.

So I guess Angola doesn't count. Namibia doesn't count. Those are just about as far from Cuba as you can get. Cuba was fine with messing about in Africa while they could afford it.
 
 
0 # hammermann 2013-02-08 06:02
Yeah, I said the same about Romney: http://hammernews.blogspot.com

I hoped BO's offer to work together with the RR-bot2012 was Election night bull: Romney has earned no place at any table with his pathological lies, lunatic positions, smug self-styled superiority, and slanderous personal attacks on Obama- he should be shuffled off to some musty room to be decommissioned, like the 50's model 120 mainframe he is. In their WH confab Romney looked like a defeated salesman- maybe it was BO's way of rubbing in his victory. NEVER examined were his many secret bank accounts (which Obama didn't hammer enough)
 

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