Please to Be Shutting the Piehole Now

By Charles P. Pierce, Esquire Magazine

23 April 12

here were two things for which I prayed devoutly when the whole Secret Service screw-and-screw scandal in Colombia broke into the news. The first was that the young lady entrepreneur in question would remain anonymous.

(Yeah, that had a chance.)

The second was that there would be nothing in the whole business that would engage the attention of Princess Dumbass of the Northwoods.

God really hates me these days.

Will we never be rid of this person? Will her personal Warhol clock never run down?

OK, one of the Secret Service guys in question was obviously a moron before everyone started doing the Cartagena two-step. He shouldn't have posted what he posted about the Princess because it was sexist, tasteless, and beneath his office as a Secret Service agent, but mainly because it now gives her yet another chance to drive nails into her own palms, and to act like a jackass toward the president again:

"Well, this agent who was kind of ridiculous there in posting pictures and comments about checking someone out," Palin told Greta van Susteren on her FOX News program. "Well check this out, bodyguard - you're fired. And I hope his wife kicks his okol'e and sends him to the doghouse.. As long as he's not eating the dog, along with his former boss. Greta, you know, a lot of people will just, I guess say that this is boys being boys. And boys will be boys, but they shouldn't be in positions of authority."

Are we seriously going to have to listen to this "eating the dog" business for another six months, as though there's no difference between a six-year-old eating what's served to him and a grown man slapping the family hound onto the roof of the car? Equivalence! (I told you people a long time ago to knock off pounding the Seamus story.) And then, with the shrewd self-awareness that's marked her entire career, she continues...

"The president, the CEO of this operation called our federal government, has got to start cracking down on these agencies. He is the head of the administrative branch and all of these different departments in the administration that now people are seeing things that are so amiss within these departments. The buck stops with the president. And he's really got to start cracking down and seeing some heads roll. He has to get rid of these people at the head of these agencies where so many things, obviously, are amiss."

So sayeth the woman who found being the CEO of this operation called the state of Alaska too demanding to finish out her single term at the job. Historians are going to look back at this era of our politics and wonder why we all decided to start eating paint chips. Was there a famine or something?