Borowitz writes: "Today, it was announced that Comcast is joining forces with Time Warner Cable in a friendly acquisition worth $45 billion. As we could have expected, many people are wondering what this transaction will mean to the service that you, our subscribers, will enjoy."
(image: Comcast)
A Letter From Comcast and Time Warner Cable
14 February 14
The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."
ear subscribers,
Today, it was announced that Comcast is joining forces with Time Warner Cable in a friendly acquisition worth $45 billion. As we could have expected, many people are wondering what this transaction will mean to the service that you, our subscribers, will enjoy.
We know that all of your comments, however mean-spirited some of them may have been, have come from a good place: genuine concern about what this merger will mean for your future cable service. At Comcast/Time Warner, we care deeply about those concerns, and, to help allay them, here are some answers to the Frequently Asked Questions (F.A.Q.s) we have received since the merger was announced.
Q: How will the merger affect the price of my cable service?
A: There is no clear answer to that. But we will be introducing financing options, roughly similar to those that enabled you to attend college.
Q: Will there be any adverse impact on customer service?
A: A technician will be at your home between the hours of eight and never.
Q: How frequently will you turn off the Internet, and are you going to deliberately crush Netflix by making it impossible to stream its movies?
A: Often and probably.
Q: I am a current Time Warner subscriber. Who will be handling customer complaints, Comcast or Time Warner?
A: Please address all complaints to Comcast/Time Warner Customer Service, 666 Noonethere Lane, Abysstown, U.S.A.
Q: I have been on hold for the past hour, and no one seems to be picking up. How long can I expect to wait?
A: Due to concern about the merger, we are experiencing longer-than-expected wait times. In the meantime, eat me.
Sincerely,
Comcast/Time Warner Cable
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