The Winners of the 'Chase Twitter Fail' Haiku Contest

By Matt Taibbi, Rolling Stone

20 November 13

 

ast week, I ran a quick post in this space ("Chase's Twitter Gambit Devolves into All-Time PR Fiasco") on the epic Twitter fail that was JP Morgan Chase's planned #AskJPM online Q&A. For those who missed it, this was that outstanding Too-Big-To-Fail marketing idea where Chase expected readers to tweet in in search of career advice – only to take a massive faceplant as Twitter exploded with profane, abusive and in many cases inspiringly funny "questions." ("Would you rather negotiate with 1 horse-sized Eric Holder, or 100 duck-sized Eric Holders?" was my favorite.)

As an afterthought, I asked readers to send in haikus on the theme of Chase's PR gambit. To the author of the best poem I promised a Jamie Dimon "Greedy Bastard" t-shirt. I honestly didn't expect so many outstanding submissions. There were so many good ones, in fact, that in the end I couldn't settle on just one winner – there will be two, in the end. But before I get to those, I should give props to some very honorable mentions.

First, all praise is due to those who actually honored the literary spirit of the haiku. Many of us less-civilized Americans, myself included, just went straight for a crude 17-syllable dick joke and didn't bother with the form too much. The one I put on Twitter read as follows:

Ask Chase anything!
Public replies: blow us, you
Cheap gangster fuckwads.

JBizzle's was similar:

We unzip our fly
Expect a grateful sucking
Instead you bite - ouch!

"Jalmos" also had one that caught my eye because it ended with the line, "Eat a bag of dicks." I tried several Chase haikus with that as the last line as well, for what it's worth, but his was better than all of mine:

Dimon in the rough
Twitter desperation beg
Eat a bag of dicks

There were many along those lines, but we also had entrants who actually tried to adhere to the spirit of the haiku form. Some even made sure to include the kigo, a word that typically summons a sound or an image associated with a season – a babbling brook, a stream, a falling leaf. "Susan A," for instance, wrote:

Self-proclaimed finance Street Wizzzzzzz,
Produces steaming streams
Pissed-off hot tweets

Of course Susan's on (syllables) were off – it's supposed to be 5-7-5, I think – but it was a nice effort nonetheless. "El Ronbo" also sent in a subtle, snapshot-of-nature entry that felt more Eastern in spirit than some of the others:

Parasite bankers
With unbridled arrogance
Solicit questions

Another excellent Eastern-style poem – it has that inscrutable, "I'm not sure what the fuck it means, but Richard Gere will sure think it's deep!" quality that you're looking for with this kind of verse – was written by "Harry Towns":

If Dimon is forever
He will have time to rape space
Where his laughs aren't heard

Then there was Dr. P, whose entry crucified Chase with nails meant for Goldman Sachs:

Dear abused Muppets.
Ask me advice through twitter.
I'm richer than you.

A lot of entries had concluding lines featuring that same "We still have more money than you" concept, incidentally.

The entry by "Fish" I liked because of the clever Twitter-age five-syllable ending – this is like one of those actual Japanese haikus where a single sound symbol may count as two on:

using the twitter
we chat with the hoi polloi
#clusterfuck

Anyway, as great as they all were, my two favorites stood apart – and polar opposites of each other. On the one hand, winning for his sheer bluntness and Haiku-Fuck-You power, was @saperehilaris, who Tweeted this economical submission:

I am a huge dick
That skull fucks Americans
With their own money

Meanwhile, on the more charming and evocative end, there was this entry by Hannelore Dean:

My mom wants to know
How you like her house, her porch,
Her climbing roses.

Hannelore and saperehilaris, send me your mailing addresses, and I'll Zazzle those tees to you right away. Don't forget to send your t-shirt size. Thanks again for participating – and thanks to Chase Vice Chairman Jimmy Lee, the man we never got to meet on Twitter, who made this all possible!