Virginians Choose Even Bigger Tool

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

11 June 14

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

n a development that few had thought possible, Republicans in the Seventh District of Virginia on Tuesday night found an even bigger tool than Rep. Eric Cantor to represent them in the United States Congress.

Apparently deciding that Cantor was insufficiently heartless to represent their district, Republicans turned out to the polls to elect David Brat, a man whose political views “border on sociopathy,” according to exit-poll responses from voters who supported him.

During his concession speech, Rep. Cantor reflected on the mistakes that might have led to his defeat: “Should I have cut more school-lunch programs for poor children? Perhaps. Should I have cast more votes to screw over disaster victims? Definitely. Should I have not said the thing about treating children of immigrants like human beings? Man, do I wish I could take that one back. Hindsight is twenty-twenty, but at the end of the day I was just too damn empathic for this district.”

But Rep. Cantor was gracious in defeat, offering words of congratulation to the victorious Mr. Brat. “The people of the Seventh District have spoken,” he said. “The time has come to pass the torch to a new generation of asshats.”

When asked about the defeat of his longtime colleague in the House, Speaker John Boehner said, “I will give a formal statement as soon as I can stop laughing.”