Written by Mark L. Taylor   

Surprise Dark Horse Candidate Takes Lead in Iowa GOP Contest

D.C. Snoopster
TheDailyCall.org (12/30/11)

DES MOINES, Iowa – The Republican presidential primary race was upturned once again with the sudden appearance of a new leader in the tumultuous campaign. Iowa hog farmer Stanley F. Osgoode was immediately catapulted into the lead when polls revealed he is leading Mitt Romney by 14 points.

"Honestly, I don’t know how it happened,” Osgoode said during an early morning appearance on “Good Morning, America”. “I mean, heck, all I did was stop by a Newt Gingrich rally in Ames this morning and picked up a couple free sugar doughnuts and a cup of coffee. Two hours later I’m tuning in for the noon farm report on the truck radio and find I’m leading the pack.

“As I always say to my kids, ‘only in America’.”

The announcement of Osgoode’s sudden commanding lead reverberated through the other campaigns leading to vehement denunciations of the candidate.

“While I certainly don’t object to Mr. Osgood’s participation in the race, I do have to question his choice of a Chevy instead of a Ford pickup truck,” Rick Perry said. “At the same time, as I understand it, he has a Ford tractor. Sounds like a flip-flopper to me. America needs a decisive decision maker who will stick to his guns.”

A spokesman for Newt Gingrich reported the campaign has already contacted federal elections officials to investigate Osgoode’s taking of the sugar doughnuts and coffee at the earlier Gingrich event.

“We have the incident on time-stamped video tape and question whether at the precise moment he took the complimentary Gingrich campaign pastry and coffee, whether Mr. Osgoode was, in fact, already an active candidate,” Gingrich said though his spokesman. “If so, this represents the worst act of treachery since the Japanese attack on our brave fighting men at Pearl Harbor.”

The heaviest reaction came from the Bachmann campaign.

“It’s my understanding that Mr. Osgoode once attended a Unitarian Church service, which, we all know, falls far short of the high moral Christian standard this nation was founded upon,” Bachmann said while working a rope line of three well wishers at an Ottumwa McDonalds. “While I pray for him and hold him in the light, everybody knows he, his pigs and progeny for six generations are destined to burn in hell for all eternity.

“America does not want to elect a man with that eternal destiny to the highest office in the land.”

Clearly taken aback by the intense media scrutiny that comes with front-runner status Osgoode said he would be “happy to mail in a coupla’ bucks” to reimburse the Gingrich campaign.

“Really, I was just in need of a little snack,” Osgoode notes. “Didn’t mean to offend; didn’t know they were that hard up.”

As for Bachmann’s charges, Osgoode said, “Ah, heck, out in the hog shed I'm up to my ankles wading through that kinda’ stuff all day long.”

When asked if he has considered a possible running mate Osgoode told the New York Times, “Well, I dunno’, haven’t had a chance to give it much thought, but my hired man, Henry, and I have always worked pretty well together.”

Osgoode cut his press interview short saying he needed to get back to the farm to feed the hogs.

“Besides,” Osgoode observed, “I’m a lifelong Democrat and before my truck reaches the driveway back to home someone else will be leading this pack of nitwits.”