Written by Mark L. Taylor   

Santa Announces Major Change in Policy
Toward Sanctioning "Greedy Miscreants"

By D.C. Snoopster
Daily Call (12/25/11)

NORTH POLE - In a major break from long-held Christmas tradition Santa International announced today that lumps of coal will no longer be used as not-so-subtle sanctions for behavioral miscreants. The move was made in response to two recent events said Santa Claus.

"First of all, we have daffodils sprouting out of what few snow drifts we still have here at the North Pole and just the other day we had elves out water skiing in the fjords," Claus noted in a pre-Christmas press conference. "Some naughty childish politicians and industrialists are still lying that there's no such a thing as global warming. Well, let me tell you there is and Santa International is taking immediate steps to reduce our carbon footprint by getting rid of lumps of coal for bad actors.

"From now on, if you behave like a nitwit during the year, act mean, lie, cheat, steal, behave selfishly and talk badly about your neighbors you will find a shriveled old frost-bitten potato in your stocking, which brings me to the Republicans in the United States congress. Talk about greedy miscreants and bad neighbors; that whole bunch has earned a well-deserved rotten potato Christmas."

When taken together, Claus estimates that the substitution of gangrenous potatoes for lumps of coal for Republicans in both congressional houses, all corporate lobbyists and Tea Party supporters who, Santa noted, "need to crack a history text book every now and then instead of bad mouthing teachers and going brain-dead watching Fox News", will prevent 26 million tons of carbon being released into the atmosphere this Christmas.

When contacted for comment about the new Santa International rotten potato reduced carbon footprint plan House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-OH) replied, "Who gives a damn what that free-toys-for-all socialist has to say about anything. Next thing you know he'll be whining about kids - both good and bad alike - not getting health care. Hell, have you noticed how the guy even dresses all in red?

“He better mind his manners or there may be a Predator drone out there with a ‘nose-so-bright’, if you get my drift"