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writing for godot

MK ULTRA Mind Control Victims Can Be Resilient Trauma Survivors

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Written by Barbara Todish   
Saturday, 17 December 2011 13:50
What made "sex kittens" and "assassins" out of our "traumatized" MK ULTRA "mind-controlled" children was that they took their trauma PERSONALLY! When you take trauma personally, any trauma that you survive, the trauma TAKES you! Each one of the so called "victims" of MK ULTRA, had the CHOICE, even at a young age, to avoid the ego and drama that was a "pity party". They all could have said to themselves, "Well it could have been worse, I could have DIED!" Instead, anyone who complains about being abused, physically, sexually, emotionally, etc., is focussing on what is a QUALITY of life issue, instead of a life and death issue, because, as Nietzsche says, "Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger"!

I, for one, have gratitude for existence. As long as I can take a breath, there is at least that to be grateful for. As long as there is life, there is always the possibility for limitlessness. What worked for me to access this limitlessness is to risk to become free from the DEFENSIVENESS involved in life, first by risking to be emotionally vulnerable. (It is understood,of course, that no one VOLUNTARILLY risks being vulnerable PHYSICALLY, but we all have access to the instinctual and intuitive "fight or flight" defenses!) Then, I experienced transcendence of that vulnerability by CHOOSING to avoid taking ANY vulnerability personally, seriously, etc.

I see my emotional vulnerability as a challenge to be overcome. Emotional vulnerability is viewed by me as ego and drama. Instead of adding to all the drama and ego in the world I dare to adopt an attitude of humor about what I forely took as necessary emotional vulnerability. For instance in my stand up comedy I have shocked audiences by telling them that previously I took the 4 sexual assaults I had been subjected to, too personally! I continue by explaining that through insight, I know now that the aquaintainces that sexually assaulted me were only practicing, they were PROJECTING that they were doing that to me, so that instead of DOING it, it was DOING them! I am saying that instead of having ANY agency, ANY intention, ANY responsibility their agency, intention, their responsibility HAD them!

We define ourselves as victims and rermain victims and give up our limitlessness when we settle for victim status as one of our many identities. We settle for partial identitities, i.e., race, gender, ethnicity, religion, etc., instead of an integrated whole essence. There is so much defensiveness because we choose ego and drama, and limitation. We hardly have a self TO love because we prefer socially, and culturally constructed ACCEPTABLE, STEREOTYPE, PERFORMANCES instead of TRANSCENDING PERFORMANCE, APPEARANCES etc.

It is understandable how this happens, though, because it took me many years to EVEN BEGIN to extricate my self, my ESSENTIAL self from self pitying. Now I am able to comprehend the behavior of my parents, whatever it consisted of, from the range of good to bad, from neglect to bullying, to over-protection, over-controlling that masquerades as love. Infancy, childhood, and adolescence was a kind of PRE-PRACTICE or a "dress rehersal" for what would be the PRACTICE ROLE MODEL for having a soulmate, etc., and THAT soulmate, or PRACTICE ROLE MODEL, would be another "dress rehersal" for my emergence into my own MASTERY of love for, and of, myself, my ESSENTIAL, LIMITLESS self as my own ROLE MODEL.

When you can MASTER this kind of self love, you are free from ALL emotioanl defensiveness,i.e., all excuses, because your strength that has emerged from resiliency of enduring all sorts of traumas rewards you with the GRATITUDE that comes from SHEER SURVIVAL. You MASTER your self essence when you finally become aware of the difference between QUALITY of life issues and LIFE and Death issues, so you can conserve your energy that is needed for LIFE and DEATH ISSUES AND YOU CAN AVOID "sweating the small stuff". i HAVE become grateful for the smallest things. I've become enabled, because I now have a VALID instead of an illusion of a valid self. I now have an essential self, one that enables me to, for instance, determine without distraction or doubt what are my ESSENTIAL priorities instead of my social and cultural priorities.

What I am most grateful for is the ability to FEEL the kiss of someone I found who I ACTUALLY respected, someone who I thought I would want to ACTUALLY be like, if I were not myself. As a result of FEELING something when we kissed, I learned I COULD FEEL and that kiss was PRACTICE for the "KISS" I can now give to myself, my essential ABSOLUTE, LIMITLESS self, since I have "outgrown" my relative, whining, defensive, politically correct, limited self.
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