Written by RS Janes   

Scientists Discover New Element

Al Gorithim
Science in The News
December 2, 2011

Oxford University researchers have discovered the lightest element yet known to science. Lighter than Hydrogen (symbol=H), but, unlike Hydrogen, entirely without a useful function, the new element, Republicum (symbol=GOP), is an ignoble gas that has a small amount of wealthy neutrons at its center, with a shifting number of gubernatorial neutrons, congressional neutrons and media neutrons in orbit around the core, giving it an atomic mass of 1 percent. This 1 percent is mainly held together by forces called morons. Republicum is also noted for emitting an occasional swiftly-fading Newtrino from its dense core.

Since Republicum has no valid electrons, it is basically inert, except it violently rejects all forms of Taxinium (symbol=Tx). It can also be detected impeding every positive action with which it comes into contact, especially that of Obamium (symbol=BHO). A tiny amount can cause a process that would normally take less than a week to take from 4 months to 4 years to complete. Republicum has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the congressional neutrons and gubernatorial neutrons exchange places. In fact, its mass can actually increase slightly over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion has led some scientists to believe that Republicum is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration, which then causes the formation of a new gas, Teabaggium (symbol=TP), but the Oxford study proves that Teabaggium is, in reality, merely a noisier and inferior offshoot of the wealthy 1 percent core of Republicum, and not really a separate gas at all.

When catalyzed with enough money, Republicum inevitably converts into Corruptinium (symbol=$$), an element that radiates just as much energy as Republicum, but involves twice the number of morons. Corruptinium then emits a hot foul-smelling gas called Propagandium (symbol=PP) with which it attempts to influence other elements to meld with Republicum; however, field tests show Propagandium over time produces diminishing results in this regard, eventually rendering other elements immune to its effects. The Oxford study also detected another gas, Luntzinium, which works in tandem with Propagandium, but concluded this light vapor could not exist independent of Republicum, although it seemed to have considerable influence on the Republicum core.

Sunlight and clean voting processes have proven to be the best disinfectant with which to dispel the noxious Republicum and its offshoots.

This is satire, BTW.
2011 RS Janes
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