Written by Jane F. Gilgun   

How could a rising political star be such a bonehead? I’m talking about Anthony Weiner (no pun intended), a U.S. Representative from Queens, NY. On May 29, Weiner emailed a photo of his crotch with a tell-tale bulge against tight briefs to a Washington state undergraduate student. He meant the tweet to be private, but it went to his 40,000 followers. Instantly, the photo was a media sensation. Someone, probably Weiner, deleted it right away. Too late.

At first, Weiner made light of the incident: “More Weiner Jokes for all my guests,” he twittered. He said he’d been hacked. Two days later, Weiner declined comment. His spokesperson said, “Anthony’s accounts were obviously hacked. He doesn’t know the person named by the hacker, and we will be consulting on what steps to take next.’

The steps Weiner took involved refusal to act, fudging, denial, and cover-ups. He could have requested a police investigation. Only the police can obtain records from Twitter. He said, an investigation is not worth spending governmental resources. Instead, he hired a private security firm that does not have the authority to get Twitter records.

He said he can’t state “with certitude” that the photo was of him. He denied he had sent it to the college student. He said several times that someone had hacked his Twitter account. He asked at least some of the six women involved with him in internet affairs to fudge the truth. Tell them you are a fan only, which some of then did,

Finally, so many photos and text messages to women became public that Weiner had to admit at a press conference that he had sent the photos and that he had been involved in internet affairs with six women, including a porn star and the college student. His wife was not at his side at the press conference, but they went out to dinner with friends after the press conference. This was on June 6, about 10 days after he sent the photo of his bulging crotch.

Weiner had been a rising star in the Democratic party. He had planned to run for Mayor of New York. He stated that he broke no law, and he does not intend to resign is job as a U.S. Representative from Queens. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi initiated an ethics investigation. Weiner said he and his wife love each other very much, and he has not had sexual intercourse with any else but his wife since they married one year ago.

How Can Weiner Be so Stupid?

At the press conference, a reporter asked him the question everyone is asking: Didn’t he think he would be caught? This is Weiner’s answer.

I didn't think of it that way. From — I would think about — from time to time, I would say to myself, this is a mistake or this conversation — someone could listen in on or translate to someone else. This was a — I know that there is the sense that everything is part of a plan, and it was thought through and calculated. In this case, it was just me doing a very dumb thing, and for that I accept the responsibility.

Based on my 25 years of research on men who do similar things, I believe Weiner. He really did not think in terms of being caught or not. All that that mattered to him were the thrills he got from his sex-filled interactions with women. Sex-charged interactions gave him tunnel vision. He only cared about the thrills of it. Nothing else mattered. As a 21 year-old man said to me, “Rape is worth giving up a whole bundle for.”

Weiner is also saying that he planned his sexual encounters with these women. He thought about what he did thoroughly. Based on my research, not only did he carefully plan his sexual contacts with the women, but he also fantasized about them. He probably masturbated several times a day to these fantasies.

He also said he takes full responsibility. Duh? Of course he is responsible. He did it. No one else did. He said it was a dumb thing. Based on my research, what is dumb is that he got caught and that he accidentally sent the photo to his followers and not to the woman he intended. I do not believe that he thinks his sexual behaviors are dumb. They mean too much to him.

He also probably does not believe that he hurt his wife. He had pointed out that he never had sexual intercourse with other women while married. Many men who sexualize other people see their sexual behaviors as innocent fun, not hurting anyone. In Weiner’s case, he never met them, for goodness sake. He hardly had a desire to. This is like perpetrators of child sexual abuse who say they did not hurt the children because they never used physical force.

Wired

Weiner is wired to use the internet for emotional and sexual gratification. The thrills and chills of sexual talk with women is now part of him. He will have a difficult time re-wiring himself. These desires for sexual thrills run deep.

What Weiner Can Do

To earn back the respect of others, Weiner will have to work full-time on re-wiring himself. This is how he could do this.

1. Attend sex addicts anonymous groups every day.

2. Engage in deep therapy, such as EMDR, about four to six hours a week.

3. Exercise vigorously at least two hours a day.

4. Learn how to meditate and practice twice a day or as needed.

5. Learn yoga and practice twice a day or as needed.

5. Learn how to be mindful.

6. Develop hobbies and other activities he enjoys and participate in them two or more hours every day.

7. Avoid computers and any other reminders of his sexual interchanges with women.

8. Do not masturbate to fantasies of sexual interchanges with women.

9. Develop a safety plan that involves the following

a. indentify triggers that lead to his desire to engage in sexual interchanges with women other than his wife;

b. develop a supportive group of people that does not include his wife, co-workers, or many of his friends; This group is composed of persons whom he can depend when he starts thinking about sexual interchanges with women other than his wife;

c. develop and follow a list of activities he can do that will shift his mind away from sex-charged interchanges with women; and

d. do whatever it takes to shift his mind away from sex-charged interchanges with women.

Discussion

Anthony Weiner is in big trouble. His sexual behaviors with women other than his wife were wrong. Sexual behaviors with women meant so much to him that he was unable to think about being caught. The thrills and sexual gratification of these behaviors blinded him to what might happen when his behaviors were on display to the world.

He did not see any of this because he was full of passionate intensity.

Many men and some women are full of passionate intensity about sexual behaviors. They have tunnel vision. They are unable to connect to the richness of being alive. Instead they focus on the workings on particular body parts and the thrills and gratification involved. Short-term gains like these lead to long-term pain.

If Weiner wants to become a mature man, then he will take steps outlined in this article, or do something similar. He can go on with his life with dignity or he can continue to be a fool in the eyes of the world.

About the Author

Jane F. Gilgun, Ph.D., LICSW, is a professor, School of Social Work, University of Minnesota, Twin Cities, USA. She has done interview research on child sexual abuse for many years. See Professor Gilgun’s other articles, books, and children’s stories on scribd.com, Amazon Kindle, and iBooks

References

Barbaro, Michael & David W. Chen (2011). Calls to resign as Weiner moves to make amends. New York Times, June 8, pp. A1, A19.

Davis, Noah (2008). Jon Stewart brilliantly mocks Anthony Weiner in hilarious fake press conference. Business Insider, June 8.Read more: http://www.businessinsider.com/jon-stewart-anthony-weiner-fake-press-conference-daily-show-video-2011-6#ixzz1OgqcNnmM

Gilgun, Jane F. (2010). Evil feels good: Think before you act. http://www.scribd.com/doc/38489251/Evil-Feels-Good-Think-Before-You-Act

Gilgun, Jane F. (2010). Violence real and imagined: Reflections on more than 20 years of research http://www.scribd.com/doc/39119048/Violence-Actual-and-Imagined-Reflections-on-More-Than-20-Years-of-Research

Gilgun, Jane F. (2010). Why they do it: Beliefs and emotional gratification lead to violent acts. http://www.scribd.com/doc/30778872/Why-They-Do-It-Beliefs-Emotional-Gratification-Lead-to-Violent-Acts

Kiesler, Sara & Alison Gendar (2011). Student who got lewd pic from Rep. Anthony Weiner’s Twitter account denies she’s his mistress. New York Daily News, May 29.

Savan, Leslie (2011). The Nation: After puns, one question for Weiner, June 8. National Public Radio. http://www.npr.org/2011/06/08/137055087/the-nation-after-puns-one-question-for-weiner

Svensson, Peter (2011). Anthony Weiner Twitter scandal could be easily solved by police. Huffington Post, June 3. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/06/03/anthony-weiner-twitter_n_870781.html
Weiner doesn’t deny photo could be him (2011). New York Daily News, June 1. http://politicalwire.com/archives/2011/06/01/weiner_doesnt_deny_photo_could_be_him.html

'Weinergate' and other politicians' potentially career-ending photos. Daily News, June 7. http://www.nydailynews.com/news/politics/galleries/that_wont_get_you_elected/that_wont_get_you_elected.html