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writing for godot

Political Short Cuts Edition

Written by RS Janes   
Saturday, 19 March 2011 05:50
Brief sour snipes at some of the prominent political and media figures of our bloated Blutocracy, in no particular order.

Michele Bachmann – When scary met rally.

Ann Coulter – Anorexic in appearance; emaciated in thought; bulimic in speech. In other words, she never changes.

Tim Pawlenty – A polite little Minnesota fart desperately trying to become a big Republican sh*t.

Sarah Palin – America's trademarked Tweetheart, soon to be our 'Dear Tweeter' right after the Republicans in Congress succeed in outlawing rational thought entirely.

Mike Huckabee – His Christian devotion to integrity would be breathtaking to behold at some point in the future. As it is, we just have to take his assurance that he follows the teachings of Jesus on faith, as no independent evidence exists to confirm this assertion.

NJ Gov. Chris Christie – In a large bowl, combine tasty tax cuts for the well-heeled with budget-cutting zeal strained through a sieve containing tea infused with Bush Republican crapola and a dash of Tony Soprano. Mix with whatever Ann Coulter's drinking heavily and add a heaping cup of Il Duce's state corporatism. Put in the oven for four years at high heat and – voila! – you have an oven ruined by an unpalatable mess fit only for the trash that is no longer being picked up in New Jersey regularly since the governor privatized the service to break the union.

WI Gov. Scott Walker – His politics honor King Louis XVI, his speeches Newt Gingrich, his 'toughness' a box of rocks, while his eyes pay homage to Mad Magazine's Alfred E. Neuman. One could easily see him in the White House, cleaning up after Bo, and it may be the only job he can get after angry Wisconsin voters recall him next year – it's definitely the only one he's qualified to do.

The Tea Partiers – Their hearts are in the Right place -- next to a pile of cash in a bank vault owned by the Koch brothers.

The Koch Brothers – Nuts 'n' money, honey, and a rich Republican's joke is always funny, especially from a couple of billionaire sons of Birchers. They are incontrovertible verification of Dorothy Parker's line: "If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to," but even the late, great Algonquin Round Table wit never imagined the Almighty would stoop this low for a cosmic joke.

Comcast/MSNBC – 'Lean Forward' so it'll be easier to kick your ass out the door if you displease the parent company.

Bill O'Reilly – Joe McCarthy after the first bottle, combined with all the charm of a proctologist wielding a fire hose.

Glenn Beck – Father Coughlin on hallucinogens, combined with a lobotomized Howard Stern wearing magic underwear to the Mad Hatter's tea party.

Megyn Kelly – 1. Find valve in back of skull. 2. Insert hose and inflate with helium until head is filled. 3. Check hair and makeup. 4. Insert 'GOP Talking Points' memory card. 5. Turn crank in back until words come out.

Michael Savage – When being a self-hating Weiner just isn't enough.

Mitt Romney – Loose rumor claims that, during Romney family vacations, it was actually the Mittster who was tied to the roof of the car while the dog drove the station wagon, but let's not go down that road. It's also said the charismatic former governor of Massachusetts can charm a roomful of supporters into needing a nap within five minutes flat. His firm handshake is reminiscent of grabbing a dead cod, his personal history is redolent with mirthful myth and confounding flip-flops, and his political notions are agreeably GOP incoherent, plus he's rich and he wants to be president, making him the perfect choice to be the Republican sacrificial tiger in 2012.

Sen. John Thune – Mitt Romney without the zesty personality and sense of dignity.

Jeb Bush – A Republican presidential prospect who wishes he had been born with a different last name, maybe something with more zing to it like 'Nixon.'

Mitch McConnell – Where wealthy wrinkles go to retire and old lies to revive themselves.

Roger Ailes – When he dines on his daily cherub, he wipes his mouth on the closest thing available, which happens to be the seat of his pants.

Antonin Scalia – Judge Dreadful.

Clarence Thomas – "Just because I have a big bet on the team doesn't mean I would necessarily rule in its favor."

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