Written by Gabe Heilig   

I’m a visiting barbarian from Brooklyn who’s been living in the DC area since 1976. Here’s my take on what just went on.

Consider the Democrats (or more precisely, DemoCrumbs, since that’s what they settle for). DemoCrumbs don’t get it about winning. From the President on down, DemoCrumbs insist on being high-minded. Instead of winning, they provide sophisticated policy analysis. They seem to think you win by being more informed and articulate than the other guys. No: you win by beating the other guys—and sometimes, by beating them up (politically speaking).

And—big Republican secret—Americans love it when our champion busts the other guy’s chops. DemoCrumbs don’t understand this. It’s simple: We the People need to know that our King or champion will protect us. Then we can trust our King, because we see our own darkness reflected—and because we know he’s willing to go there on our behalf. In Brooklyn, we learn stuff like this. It’s called Staying Alive.

Let’s be honest: many Americans walk around these days feeling a need to beat somebody up (like those patriots in Kentucky who stepped on that woman’s head.) Well, guess what? Beating someone up (politically speaking) is a lot of what elections are about. Republicans understand that. They know how to whip up a visceral diet of anger, revenge and contempt, and serve it up as patriotism. And guess what? Folks vote for it. In droves.

What do the Crumbs need to do? Us bums from Brooklyn, we know: Crumbs need to go for the jugular. Or, to put it in think-tank terms, they need to exert “primal leadership.” As I said: Go for the jugular. Everyone has one, even Karl Rove and the Koch brothers. Their party won? Fine. Let them address the country’s problems, which keep growing like unemployment lines and rows of coffins at Dover AFB.

The Crumbs need to brush wet egg off their faces and spit it at McConnell and Boehner. My advice to Crumbs: Pin McConnell and Boehner against the issues. Watch them wriggle. They say they want to make the President a one-term guy? McConnell’s crack about that ought to wake the President up. The election’s barely over and the other side’s already lacing up for the next race?

Race. Ah yes, that abiding American issue—which brings us to the Republicans. Or more exactly, RepubliCons. Their victory was another step toward the promised takeover by the Righteous American Christian Empire (RACE). Substitute gays for Blacks in one election, substitute the French for gays in another: Cons always have a hate object handy. And it works. RACE ground troops get to hate and sneer all they want, and they get to feel good about it—even patriotic.

Now, that’s political genius.

RepubliCons have made an art form out of winning, because they understand the human shadow. They know that every Red-Blooded American wants to kick somebody in the kishkes, or feel like he just did. DemoCrumbs, unfortunately, seem to think that what voters want are a few mew policy papers and a nice bipartisan pat on the head.

RepubliCons know better. Hell, they even kick their own voters. The Cons share the spoils of victory with their funders, not their worker-bees. Lower-middle-class Tea Party troops—what do they get? Why, they get to pay for the new No Billionaires Left Behind tax bill the Cons can barely wait to pass in Congress.

The Cons are darkness artists who paint their masterpieces on the canvas called Reality. But history is a vast space in which all of us are milling about, with mirrors on every wall and only one door out. The handle to that door is called Truth. RepubliCons fear it like vampires fear garlic.

That’s why Boehner and McConnell are looking for the Crumbs to take the economic fall they see coming. They just spent two years digging the economic ditch deeper, refusing to vote for anything that might get folks back to work. They’ll spend the next two years giving red-white-and-blue speeches about “creating jobs for the American people”— and then refuse to bring to the House floor any Administration bill that might actually create those jobs. Someone needs to flog these guys in the public square (politically speaking). Mr. President, we elected you to be our King. Have at it.

We the People need leadership, and we need the truth. Instead we get to choose between cowards and counterfeits. The Crumbs have no guts, and the Cons have no soul. That’s why every two years we keep kicking out whoever’s in power, because no matter who wins, we the People keep losing. And we know it.

Being a political King is about protecting the Kingdom, not kicking butt—yet sometimes that’s what it takes. Bad Guys are roaming the Kingdom, chasing people away from jobs. They are your enemies, Mr. President, and ours. These Bad Guys need to be stopped—perhaps even mugged (politically speaking). Hey—you asked for the job.

In Brooklyn, there’s one lesson we learn quick, or it hurts longer: Don’t be stooopid. (“Stooopid,” by the way, is a technical term, meaning, “Continuing to do the same dumb thing over and over.”) DemoCrumbs, don’t be stooopid. Learn to be smart.

Sure, it takes time to learn this stuff. But hey—you’ve got two years. And who knows? If you do what the job takes, maybe you’ll get a few more.