Written by Thomas Magstadt   

Now comes the story of how Willard Mitt Romney and Bain Capital’s other top executives raked in millions ($10 million to be exact, according to press reports) while a Michigan-based company Bain had taken over (Cambridge Industries) went bankrupt, but only after the parent company (Bain) had loaded it up with $300 million in debt. The payoff for the Bain Boys included a $2.5 million fee for buying the company! Apparently it’s all perfectly legal in the wondrous New Derivative Economy that, as you may have noticed, is working so well – for them, not for us.

But never mind, it’s not about us. It’s about them.

Clearly, the greatest job the Great Job Creator ever created was the one he used to creatively destroy other people's old unproductive jobs that were a drag on the economy. Face it, America, some jobs simply need to be destroyed in order to create better jobs of some unspecified nature in some unknown place at some indeterminate time, but no doubt exactly when and where they are needed most. Venture capitalists – aka job creators like Mitt Romney – have cornered the market on that sort of information.

Trust me, if we elect the rich guy who’s running against the socialist guy in the White House jobs will spring up like mushrooms in horse manure. Should the latter appear in significantly greater abundance than the former, however, please do not blame Bain Capital or any of its past or present (especially past) executive officers, okay?

But what about greed and rising inequality in American society, you ask? It's not an issue because guys like Romney are WINNERS and they make winners out of countless anonymous (you can't count 'em 'cause they're anonymous) "investors" – except, of course, at companies like the one in this story, but let's (with sincere apologies to Broadway) accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative, if you don’t mind. But, you ask, when companies Bain-Romney bought went bankrupt what happened to the job losers? Well, they're...how to put it...uh...LOSERS. And losers deserve everything they don't get.

Now do you see how the unregulated financial markets work miracles of wealth creation in the Glorious Omnipotent New American Democratic Society (GONADS)? GONADS, you may or may not recall, is the successor to the Beautiful American Land of Liberty Society (BALLS). And that’s what it takes to be a Bain(ful) Capital(ist) and then ask the electorate to give you the key to the one house in America you can’t buy.