I recently "saw" on facebook what my life coulda, shoulda, woulda been like (as a Marlona Brando-esque "I coulda been a contender"!), i.e., if I had no deformities. I discovered a cousin's pictures of her and her husband, her kids, and her grandchildren on facebook. You see, we have similar appearances, except for my being a few inches shorter than she is. This is due to my contracting a supposedly "mild" case of polio, back in the 1950's, that left me with scoliosis. Also in the 1950's there was little, if any, scoliosis "screening".

I have been out of touch with this cousin since childhood, and even then I had little, if any, choice in the matter. But I looked forward to seeing her when I was a child in elementary school, because A visit to Parkchester, in The Bronx, always meant me coming home with heh fashionable clothes that she grew out of.

This cousin of mine is very lovely and normal, well as far as I can see, externally, at least. But I am so lacking in self esteem that she seems like a goddess compared to me. She even looks like a celebrity, or could be inter-changable with any female star you see on "the red carpet". But if I so much as message her on facebook, she probably would change her facebook access from public to friends only, or block me in other ways.

This is probably because my mother, who was this cousin's Aunt, said terrible things about me to my cousins's father, who was my mother's only brother. So on top of having scoliosis, I was dumped on as the black sheep of the family. There are other cousins, even a somewhat famous one (famous in the sports photography niche, anyway) who say they never even met me! I have lots of photos to prove otherwise, i.e., pictures at weddings and other family functions.

Maybe they are fearful of "collateral damage-by association" because I am so open about my controversial past: homlessness, etc. I guess because I was never normal in appearance, etc., I was unable to have normal relationships that were satisfying enough to just "go along to get along", thus my extreme conduct and behavior that others call "outrageous". I suppose I needed to replace my lack of exciting yet stable relationships that were positive and mutual with stormy conflicts and upheavals and acting out and ranting about how I detested the "status quo" that seemed to, and still today, seems to always exclude and/or bully me.

I guess I am too open about my immediate, very dysfunctional family, too. I must be, because I am a pariah to them! At least I never, Oops! well hardly ever, mention any other names other than the "Todish" side! Maybe they, and you, too, dear readers are unable to comprehend my "fail better" philosophy, because I would rather be lonely (well I turn "lonely" into "onely" lol,) and isolated, almost willingly "autistic", etc., rather than "going along to get along" in the expected, superficial sense, namely being socialized to be private and proprietary and emotionaly defensive and in denial of being emotionally defensive in the first place!

I might have been willing to settle for family if I had love, or ever experienced unconditional love from others, other than giving it to myself, but it wasn't(isn't?) "in the cards" for me, I guess, maybe due to my scoliosis. I say this because just recently I have been told how really ugly my humpbacked neck is. It finally dawned on me why, whenever I went to get my hair done, the beauty operators were always pulling my head, almost violently! Now I realize it is because I must practically have no neck at all, so it is hard for them to wash and rinse my hair! lol

I wish I could be wanted and desired like others, but instead it seems IMHO like I have to almost pay for someone to want to even kiss me! What's saddest about that is that I was deceived into believing someone really wanted me. Then I find out it was just out of gratitude (pity?) that he asked me to kiss him, and he did this often enough to make me believe he WANTED ME!

So now my choice is to decide that I am mostly undesirable, physically and either settle for that or continue resenting everyone because everyone JUDGES, or try to make lemonade out of lemons and try to find ways to avoid taking myself, my appearance, and my OWN judgments about myself too seriously! Guess comedy is the best way!