I’ve searched the Hammacher Schlemmer holiday catalog this morning, looking to purchase a really good facemask for the holidays.

What drove the search was a phone message from Barnstable County in Massachusetts advising that Thanksgiving and Christmas are particularly dangerous this year and that if we have guests in the house who have not been living in the house for the past 14 days, we should wear a mask even in the house, and at all times in public spaces.  The governor, Baker, a republican, says he has ordered the police to strictly enforce these rules.

So, wishing to comply, I found a handsome black mask on page 9 of the catalogue called, The Antibacterial Cooling Face Mask.  It says, “it is a general use face mask that can help protect against airborne germs while keeping the skin cool and dry.  The mask is filled with antibacterial silver nano particles which protect the mask from bacteria and odors.”  $9.95 + $12.95 for seven replacement filters.  At the end the ad it says, “This mask is not intended for medical use and will not filter out particles smaller than 2.5 microns. Not tested for reduction of any illness”. Mmmm.   Not what I was looking for.  After all, COVID 19 is 0.1 microns.

So I kept looking.  On page 27 there is another mask for sale: The Tight Seal Filtering Hardshell Mask.  It claims to filter 98.6% of particles 2.5 microns or larger.  $119.95.  “Exhaled breath is released through exit valves at the bottom of the mask to prevent glasses from fogging.” What?  Exhaled breath is released where?  Seems to ruin the whole idea of wearing a mask in the first place, and does not filter particles smaller than 2.5 microns.  Not for me.

On page 45 The Filtered Antibacterial Cooling Gaiter Scarf is listed for sale at $29.95.  It protects you against airborne germs “that inhibit bacteria, mold, and odors”.  Problem is that I’m not worried about filtering out bacteria, mold, and odors.  It’s COVID-19 I want protection against.

On page 71 The Hypoallergenic Pleated Silk Mask is listed.  $39.95 + $12.95 for seven additional filters.  “The silk’s fibers repel allergens such as mold and dust mites.  Not intended for medical use.  Not tested for the reduction of any illness.”  Not what I’m looking for.

The next ad listed on pg. 75 is, The Only UV Sterilizing Mask.  “Its six UV-C LEDS generate an invisible 280 nm wavelength that irradiates germs on the inside of the nose and mouth portions of the mask. A filtering mask such as N95 or cloth mask must be worn over this mask.”  $129.95.  “Not intended for medical use and has not been tested for the reduction of any illness”.   But I’m looking for one that is intended for medical use, and has been tested for the reduction of illnesses.

Finally on page 87 The Electronic HEPA filtering Face Mask is listed.  It has a built in fan that runs on a battery for up to six hours from a charge via USB.  “Ideal for unencumbered wear even while exercising.  The mask uses a HEPA 13 filter that traps 99% of particles that are 0.3 microns or larger.” Which of course does not include COVID-19.

Six new masks for sale, not one can protect against COVID-19.  Geez!  Hammacher Schlemmer doesn’t sell the kind of mask I want – one that actually claims to stop the spread of COVID-19.  I’m so disappointed.  So I called Hammacher Schlemmer customer at 1-800-543-3366 and asked them if they sold a mask that protects against particles smaller than 2.5 microns.  “No sir, we don't,” said Steven in customer support.  “Why not?” I asked.  He said he didn’t think there was one available.

Yet president-elect Joe Biden has said he will issue a federal mandate ordering the wearing of face masks in the home if you have guests (which is what they are already doing here in Massachusetts), outside (even if you are mowing your lawn alone outside on your own property), and even while driving alone in your car.  Oregon governor Kate Brown has stated that she wants people to alert authorities on neighbors who violate COVID-19 restrictions (such as not wearing masks in the home or in public).  Police in NY and California and Michigan and Pennsylvania are arresting people for willful noncompliance.

They don’t seem to care what kind of mask–any mask will do.

OK.  OK.  I don’t want to go to jail.  But I don’t want my intelligence to be insulted either.  If I am going to wear a mask, I want to find one that protects against COVID-19.   There must be one, right?  If so, why doesn’t Hammacher Schlemmer or Amazon or any other catalog or any online or mortar-and-brick store offer it for sale?  Can it be that the mask I’m looking for does not exist?    We can’t believe that.  Surely our politicians are not intending to insult our intelligence.

We’ve got to keep on looking.