Written by Michael Adler   

12/3/09
Gainesville Daily Statement
Fancy Feast will introduce a new line of gourmet cat foods

Michael Adler, staff writer
Fancy Feast, the cat food brand best known for selling expensive canned cat food to well-to-do cat owners, has announced the introduction of yet another controversial line of very pricey cat foods. You may recall seeing the commercials for the previous line, which advertised you could feed your cat wild Alaskan salmon, Chilean sea bass and bluefin tuna. These cans, which retail for up to $2 per 3oz can, do not contain slaughterhouse scraps, but only the finest cuts, for your feline’s oblivious enjoyment.

Part of the allure of this line of cat food, is that these rare wild fishes, are near the top of the oceanic food chain and are severely over fished, some being very slow to reproduce. All the world’s salmon fisheries have collapsed, except for Alaska’s. Conservation groups predict that bluefin tuna and Chilean sea bass (formerly called the Patagonian toothfish) will be extinct within a few years. Fishing for seabass has been all but banned, though they continue to be caught illegally by pirate fisherman, and sold throughout the world.

This line of cat foods, featuring endangered fish species, of the finest culinary quality, has proved to be the company’s most successful product line to date. It’s a way for pet owners to show that nothing in this world matters as much as their fluffy. Buoyed by the success of this product line, Fancy Feast will soon begin selling an even fancier line, featuring many well-known and charismatic endangered species, such as Ugandan mountain gorilla, and the North-Atlantic right whale.

Fancy Feast spokesperson Avery Dumass said “Domestic cats are great hunters, and responsible cat owners like to nurture their pets’ abilities and help them to accomplish their greatest potentials. The Audubon Society says that domestic cats have caused more bird extinctions than any other cause next to habitat destruction, not to mention small mammal extinctions. With our new line of cat foods, our furry friends can cause extinction of some of the grandest animals our planet has to offer; animals that they may not have had access to, without our help. In fact, our poacher found a West African black rhino in Cameroon. They were declared extinct in 2006, and well, they are now, but we got the last one for a limited run of 40,000 3oz cans, for your fuzz-ball’s dining pleasure. They will be available at the only the finest grocery and pet stores for $15/can.”

Dumass continued “We regret to inform our most dedicated customers that the much anticipated California Condor, will not be marketed at this time, because of a problem with lead contamination. We cannot, in good conscience, sell a product that might be harmful, but be on the lookout for our whooping crane cat food, on a store shelf near you. In addition to the condor, we are also not yet able to offer your cat the meat of a giant panda, as we have so far, been unable to elude Chinese authorities, but we will continue our efforts.”

Asked for his opinion on why he expects this line of cat foods to be successful, Dumass replied “Imagine the social prestige to be gained when you can say something like this: “What did your cat have for super last night, slaughterhouse scraps? My Miss Mittens ate a great white shark.” If this line of cat foods pays off, for our next idea, we‘ve though we‘d turn to a more abundant resource: children from third-world countries.”

Asked if Fancy Feast plans to offer any of the endangered tiger species, Dumass angrily replied “What kind of a sick, twisted psychopath are you? Our cats are not cannibals.”




Notice: This is not spam. Spam comes in cans and is yucky stuff made from the offal of pigs. This is political satire, only partially derived from pigs. Thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. If you did, you are probably cynical and dejected about the state of the world. If you know any other such people who could use a laugh, please fwd this to them. All previous stories are viewable at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/GDS-list/