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writing for godot

Writers Have Relationships...with Words

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Saturday, 25 January 2014 13:32
It has been so long since I have had a relationship, that I may have become solipsistic, or maybe even a social, and a sexual, too. I may need to take acting lessons so that I can act like someone else! lol However, even when I was in a relationship, about 20 years ago, I had trouble PERFORMING socially. It took me years to determine what the problem was, because I was always struggling to keep any kind of a job or career (I self medicated by drinking booze) so I had more basic needs, (like always being on the verge of, or actual, homelessness) than relationships to think about.

Now I know that it is was my training in college, to be a philosopher, and the "encouragement" (without any strategies, opportunities to get published, etc.,) I got there, namely good grades, etc., to be a writer, that has made it so hard for me to be in any kind of relationship, whether in a family or in an intimate, or even just a social, or acquaintance relationship. I have considered, but only as a joke, to begin a class action law suit against my alma mater because teaching me philosophy, etc., is, I believe a large part of what made me have consciousness and imagination, and with these I have EXPERIENCED life instead of (and/or in addition to) being a typical work-slave consumer-performer!

So my philosophy and writing background have made me become alienated from most of the world, because most of the world relies on PERFORMANCE, and competition. I focussed on PRESENTNESS, FLOW. This is scary stuff for most people (except when the flow "experience" involves sport and/or physical performance! PERFORMANCE EXPERIENCE:an oxymoron! lol

I have tried to use my experiential existence to write and to do comedy, but perhaps I have transcended language and/or what is JUDGED to be humor, because I have ventured and may have gotten "lost" socially, but at the same time I may have "FOUND" myself in a soul, spiritual transcendent sense in my own DARK SIDE! In any case, for some reasons, I am mostly misunderstood, even though I comprehend myself, thank you! lol

I guess it is because what I say and what I write scares people to LIFE and they would prefer to PERFORM "DEATH" as if they are already "DEAD", because most people, even most writers and most comics, may as well BE dead because they "LIVE" just to PERFORM. Perhaps everyone except a few, are too addicted to fear to let go of their fear for long enough to take any risks to EXPERIENCE all sides of life, even, or especially, what is JUDGED to be the DARK SIDE OF LIFE!

I am beginning to realize that writing, especially writing about and telling funny stories about the dark side of my life almost takes the place of having a relationship, it's just that the relationship is with words. lol If I only could find another writer, or another philosopher, for that matter, that has found absolute satisfaction with himself and with writing, philosoyhy (meaning they have transcended all, or most emotional defensivness) maybe I could learn how to be in a relationship with others WITHOUT having to resort ( relapse back?) to alcohol and or drugs.

I know most of you will say I need therapy, but bullying from my "family" is one of my biggest problems (being a black (Irish lol) sheep, and as an extension of family, all the bullies in the so-called the Family of Man, have added insult to injury. The shrinks who support the myth of family and the myth of the family of man are enemies to experience because they are supporters of the PERFORMANCE RELIGION!

Maybe I just need someone to make me laugh,(shrinks are more serious than almost anyone, though i might pay to go to one who COULD make me laugh!)more than I can make myself laugh. It especially makes me laugh when I anticipate all the thumbs down and/or criticism I will get from readers comments here, but because of oppositional defiance, innate perversity, etc., maybe there will be zero comments, or what I usualy am confronted with WHAAAAAAAAA??????????? rotflmao

Everyone is so fearful of living and experiencing their own lives, that people are unaware, unconscious, really, that they ARE even criticizing, bullying when they are, in fact, criticizing others. (I, on the other hand am an equal opportunity critic, I just criticize EVERYONE EQUALLY! lmao).

I guess most people are critics of me because it's as if they are VIRTUALLY BEING "me",in what they consider this MOVIE/FILM of my life. I need to learn to take their, as if, FILM criticism less seriously. I will try to make this last section of my (film) life, life as film, etc., be a comedy, romantic comedy, I hope!
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