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writing for godot

Washington's Anatomical Wonders

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Written by Thomas Magstadt   
Tuesday, 30 April 2013 09:04
In a recent piece (RSN, April 30), Spencer Ackerman laments what he calls "the most understandable, intuitive and tempting mistake in geopolitics: secretly pay a powerful foreigner to do what you want. The CIA, like many spy agencies, has done it throughout its history, and now we know it helped undermine America's longest war."

Ackerman grimly notes, "Nearly every month since the war began in 2001, the CIA has sent a guy over to Afghan President Hamid Karzai with a bag - sometimes a suitcase, sometimes a backpack, sometimes a shopping bag - full of cash. His former chief of staff says they used to call it 'ghost money,' and it totals tens of millions of dollars, according to an eye-opening New York Times story. Quite the hypocritical twist from a sponsor country that so frequently hectors Karzai about corruption. 'The biggest source of corruption in Afghanistan,' a U.S. official levels with the paper's Matthew Rosenberg, 'was the United States.'"

Washington - a source of corruption? Imagine that. Or this: a city full of anatomical wonders. (I'll explain in a minute.)

The "ghost money" story is only the latest in a never-ending string of scandals involving a government that has gone off the rails both at home and in its conduct of foreign policy. This harsh judgment applies to Congress (the budget sequester, for example) and, sad to say, the President (besides the debacle in Afghanistan, the whole clumsy war on terror: Gitmo, the Patriot Act, drone strikes, et cetera).

Now, about those anatomical wonders. It's strange but true that when you either HOLD or GET a big office inside the beltway something miraculous (albeit perverse) happens to your brain and various other vital organs.

First, the brain forgets what it once knew and stops processing all policy-relevant information. Somehow it retains a remarkable memory for names, however, especially at money-raisers or when there is a staffer at the lawmaker's elbow, whispering.

Second, the heart turns into a purely mechanical blood pump with no hint of compassion or predisposition to decency. But when the situation calls for mock solemnity, just the right "heartfelt" words tumble trippingly off the tongue.

Third, in males (and don't kid yourself, Washington is still a male bastion) the gonads go back where they came from and only descend on rare occasions when there's no money at stake or the voters back home actually give a damn. Fortunately, if the fat cats favor you with the kind of money it takes to pull the wool over the voters' eyes it won't matter at election time if you sell them down the river.

Fourth, the sensory organs are also damaged. The eyes are suddenly afflicted with tunnel vision, and the ears are deaf to all but the voices of lobbyists.

Fifth, the feet become incredibly fast and the skin takes on certain reptilian properties. The typical lawmaker can change directions quicker than a flamenco dancer and can even change colors in the manner of a chameleon when necessary or convenient.

It's a truly amazing evolutionary adaptation and one found only in the Nation's Capital, where - given the dysfunction and downward spiral - even Darwin would have a difficult time defending his famous thesis.
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