What to Watch. Your GOP Convention Viewing Guide.
What to Watch. Your GOP Convention Viewing Guide.
By Paul Delanoe
The Democratic National Convention is in the books and a good time was had by virtually everyone virtually. Next up, the Republican National Convention which promises to be Must Watch TV. The Trumpsters have not posted an official viewing guide, so here is my best guess, satirical road map to the virtual lineup:
Monday – The theme of the first night is “Send in the Troops” featuring Generals John Kelly, Joseph Dunford, James Amos, John Allen, John Paxton Jr., and H.R. McMasters. General Jim “Mad Dog” Mattis will deliver the keynote speech. Here’s an excerpt: "I earned my spurs on the battlefield ... And Donald Trump earned his spurs in a letter from a doctor."
Watch for a special cameo appearance by Kellyanne Conway to crack open the Hunter Biden Meme Machine.
Tuesday – The theme is “Drain the Swamp”. Back in 2016, many people doubted that the Orange One could actually thin the bureaucratic swamp, but 4 years later more than 400 government lackeys have resigned or been fired. Winning.
Tuesday’s telecast will feature former Press Secretaries Sarah Huckabee Sanders and Sean Spicer (Stephanie Grisham will be there but not appear) hosting a survivor roundtable with former Cabinet members, including Rex Tillerson, James Mattis, Jeff Session, Ryan Zinke, Alex Acosta, Tom Price, Rick Perry, David Shulkin, John Kelly, Kirstjien Nielsen, Scott Pruitt and special appearances by Linda McMahon, Nikki Haley, Heather Nauert, Reince Priebus, and Mick Mulvaney. Wilbur Ross will be wheeled in and propped up in the corner.
But wait, there’s more!
Michael Flynn, Michael Cohen, Paul Manafort, George Nader, George Papadopoulos will each talk about Trump’s commitment to law and order. The Tuesday Keynote address features Steve Bannon with a special offer on “We Build the Wall” timeshares.
Watch for a special cameo appearance by Rudy Giuliani. Rumor has it that Rudy has a rumor of a Wikileaks dump that Hunter Biden is collecting billions of dollars to fund the protests in Belarus.
Wednesday – Roll Call and VP acceptance. The RNC will follow in the digital footsteps of the Democrats and hold a virtual roll call of all 50 states, featuring old white guys and a handful of up and coming Q Anon candidates in aluminum foil hats. The roll call will not include American territories of Puerto Rico, Guam, the Virgin Beaches, Hawaii or American Samoa because they are not states; as a consolation prize, each territory will receive a roll of paper towels.
There will be several speeches from noted luminaries. Louis Dejoy will explain how the Pony Express is far superior to modern day sorting machines. William Barr will explain why the Bill of Rights is probably wrong. Larry Kudlow will explain why 55 million workers filing for unemployment is a success story. Steve Bannon will explain how you can get in on the ground floor of Hydroxychloroquine Multi-Level Marketing. Brett Kavanaugh will explain how to properly tap a keg. Stephen Miller will explain why little children are separated from their parents and thrown in cages.
First Lady Melania will not make a formal speech, but she has turned the East Room of the White House into a fashion runway where she will model a new jumper from her “I really don’t care. Do U?” line of casual wear.
To wrap up the evening, Vice President Mike Pence (pronounced Mackay Pinky) will explain that he and Trump have really become great friends and Trump trusts him so much he even calls him “My Insurance Policy”.
Watch for a special cameo appearance by Jared Kushner explaining how nepotism has put Hunter Biden at the head of a secret cabal of pedophile sex traffickers and pizza parlors.
Thursday – The President speaks. First, Don Jr. and Ivanka will be part of a video tribute to their father. They might even show a picture of Tiffany and Baron and Eric.
Trump will make his acceptance speech. It will be dark and ugly and full of lies. We know this because that is the past 4 years. Even Fox News will struggle to put lipstick on this pig. You might curse at your TV. You might reach for a stiff drink or whatever form of self-medication you choose.
You might reach for the remote and try to turn it off.
But the only way to turn it off is to vote and make sure your vote is counted.
