Written by jellyroll   

I email President Trump every day.  These are my most recent ones.  I hope you find them entertaining.  More are archived at https://www.facebook.com/LoveandContemptforTrump/

Shel Neymark

4/26/17

Dear President Trump,

Thanks for making it a priority to eliminate the discriminatory estate tax. Estates over $5.45 million, or for a couple, $10.9 million are the only ones taxed. That covers 0.2% of the American people, a tiny minority. Who's going to stand up for their rights? You, of course.

Billionaires and millionaires are discriminated against in many ways. Bernie Sanders assails them in every speech. Imagine if he talked that way about blacks or Jews. Justice for billionaires will be the defining civil rights issue of your administration, like gay rights was for Obama. Jeff Sessions should establish an Office of Billionaire Protection in the Justice Department ASAP!

And, of course, you've got your kids to think about. I'm sure you're as aware as anyone that nature didn't endow Donald Jr. and Eric with an excess of intelligence or talent. Who's going to give them a helping hand if they have to pay a huge estate tax?

 

4/25/17

Dear President Trump,

You sure let North Korea know that their pissant little country can't mess with the newly great again US of A. What diplomacy! Now they're threatening to blow up the aircraft carrier USS Carl Vinson. Could be your very own Pearl Harbor! And not even 100 days in office. Those naysayers who claimed that you didn't have foreign policy chops aren't laughing now.

The media will go wild. You know how much they love America's wars. NPR reporters will be climbing over each other to praise you, just like they did for GW Bush in Iraq. You may decide not to defund the Corporation for Public Broadcasting after all.

Mad Dog Mattis will get to use all those fun toys we've bought for the military. No more pansy-ass drone strikes like that wimp Obama. You'll show them some real munitions.

I can picture you consoling grieving mothers. You'll look so statesman-like in the photos. Those will be images for the ages.

 

4/24/17

Dear President Trump,

I read that you are going to eliminate the office for Environmental Justice from the EPA. It's about time. Everyone knows that you wouldn't put a potentially harmful project in Scarsdale or Shaker Heights or Park Forest or Beverly Hills. Well, maybe you'd consider Beverly Hills. Those are places the Job Creators live and their lives are too important to poison with environmental toxins.

Places like Cancer Alley along the Mississippi in Louisiana where poor people live make much more sense. And if they sicken and can no longer work they'll be able to get Medicaid. Unless Ryan's health plan passes.

But there will be more low wage workers to take their places. Was it the bible that said, “the poor will always be with us?” Or was it Mitch McConnell?

 

4/23/17

Dear President Trump,

Last week they marched about your taxes, this week about science. Hope you find out who's paying all these marchers. They're spending big bucks, and for what? Fake Science Facts? Like you said, climate change is a hoax perpetrated by godless communist Chinese. Driving cars and flying in planes changes the weather? Right! Anyone with any sense knows only God can do that.

Scientists even think the world is more than 6000 years old. Don't they read the bible? Pence could set them straight. He knows that fossils were placed here by God to fool people.

Why do we need medical research? Prayer works! Otherwise Jerry Falwell Jr. wouldn't be worth $38 million dollars. Why worry about health insurance and Obamacare?

Scientists who think the world is round have never driven through Kansas. Call their governor, Sam Brownback, and ask him. That guy knows the earth is flat.

 

4/22/17

Dear President Trump,

I tried to write you an email with quotation marks around the slang word for female genitalia that is synonymous with cat, but your website said I wasn't allowed to use special symbols or emoji. I guess the slang word for female genitalia that is synonymous with cat gives you a major frowny face. I get why. I heard that tape of you and the aptly named Billy Bush again on a news show this week. Like 7 billion people haven't heard it 20 times each.

They were talking about how you said your pal Bill O'Reilly didn't do anything wrong. Well, at least Fox News gave him $24 million so he doesn't have to feel bad about all those women he had to fire for not having sex with him.

So, if I want to write you about the slang word for female genitalia that is synonymous with cat, is there a phrase you would prefer I use? Fur pie? Hair Burger? Whisker Biscuit? Quivering Mound of Love Pudding? Let me know, thanks.

 

4/21/17

Dear President Trump,

I'm planning a trip to a socialist country with a large Muslim population that has a testy relationship with the United States; France. I've heard that customs is asking US citizens for the passwords to their devices upon returning home.

Some of my emails to you have maybe been a little sarcastic. Does that get me on a list? I'm a pretty harmless guy; I don't even own a gun. Would that actually make me seem un-American?

I don't have anything incriminating on my computer. The thing is my taxes are on it. You act like it's gauche to show your taxes, like pulling your dick out in public or something.

I learned in school that the USA was founded on the principle that the president is a citizen and subject to the same rules as everyone else. So when you come back from a trip on Air Force One, does customs ask for your passwords? How do you deal with that? Any advice would be welcome. Thanks.

 

4/20/17

Dear President Trump,

Kudos to Ivanka for getting her trademarks approved by China the day she had dinner with the Chinese President at Mar-a-Lago. Of course, now someone will pay a bunch of protesters to demand that her taxes be made public. Will it never end?

What was the point of going through that campaign and so much humiliation if the Trump family doesn't make some money off you being president. That “pussy” thing was a nightmare for you. I bet Melania kept her legs crossed for weeks after that one.

 

4/19/17

Dear President Trump,

I hear you called your buddy Erdogan in Turkey and congratulated him for consolidating power. What an amazing role model he is for you.

How many times have you looked at that vacant land across the street from Trump Tower, (also known as Central Park,) and mourned the lost profit potential for the Trump family. In downtown Istanbul, Erdogan looked at a park, envisioned a mall, and sent in the bulldozers. The protesters? He gassed and shot 'em and called them terrorists. His base still loves him.

Tired of the Fake News Industry? Erdogan has jailed over 150 journalists and closed over 100 media outlets. Imagine. You could put Glen Greenwald, Anderson Cooper and even Alec Baldwin in solitary and throw away the key. MSNBC? CNN? Poof. Gone. Breitbart and Fox 24/7. Sweet!

Erdogan can be president 'til 2029 now. Just think if you had that long! With the profits you're making from being president you could catch up to Bill Gates.

Want to create a reactionary theocratic society? You're already on your way with Pence and Gorsuch in place. Erdogan's is Muslim and yours is Christian. Different deities but same rules; authoritarian leader, patriarchy, sexual conformity. Worried about the rule against marital infidelity? No problem! Heck, you're President, rules don't apply.

 

4/18/17

Dear President Trump,

I'm totally with you in wanting to know who paid for the demonstrations this weekend of people asking to make your taxes public. Though, as you said, they were “small,” it still cost someone a pretty penny to pay 25,000 people in DC and 20,000 in New York. Maybe you could put some FBI agents on it. Wouldn't hurt to take a few off that Russian thing. If you find out who pays, let me know as I wouldn't mind supplementing my meagre social security check.

I think that your taxes should be kept secret for National Security purposes, just like your White House Visitors logs and the CIA's budget. Can you imagine the mayhem ISIS could cause if they knew how much we pay for the CIA or how little you pay in taxes?

 

4/17/17

Dear President Trump,

Its comforting to know that Sandia Labs are “upgrading” the B61-12 nuclear bomb. I sleep more soundly knowing that your wisdom will guide us to the appropriate time to drop a nuke.

“Its great to see things all come together,” said their spokeswoman after dropping a dummy bomb in the Nevada desert. The test was meant to replicate “real world conditions.” After we drop it we'll have “surreal world conditions.”

The bomb will cost just a smidgen over $8.25 billion dollars. I must have been taking a nap when the congress was debating whether taxpayer money should be spent for this thing. Funny how I didn't miss anything about North Korea developing their bomb.

Awesome name you picked for a nuke development project; “The Life Extension Program.” But you forgot the two words you usually add to sell all your bills of goods. If you called it “The American Family Life Extension Program” everyone would support it.

 

4/16/17

Dear President Trump,

We taxpayers pay $165 per day to GEO Group private prisons to hold illegal immigrants. Thats $60,225 per year. Sure wish I made that much. If a mother and two children come to escape being murdered in El Salvador, we pay $180,675 per year to keep that family behind bars. They could send their kids to Harvard for that. Of course, we wouldn't want a bunch of Salvadoran kids going to Harvard, those spots need to be saved for deserving rich white boys.

Geo takes taxpayer money to buy elected representatives who then convince us taxpayers that illegal immigrants are taking our jobs and lowering our wages. Which is partly true because GEO group pays their immigrant prisoners $1.00 per day to cook and clean for their prisons. Of course, buying elected officials is costly, while state senators and representatives can be had for $10 or $20,000 a pop, I can barely imagine what Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell cost.

Still, the Geo scheme is brilliant. Thats why George Zoley, CEO of GEO Group, deserves every penny of his $6,331,117 annual taxpayer funded salary. Poor Harvard has to pay at least minimum wage to the people who cook and clean for them. That's why their poor president, Drew Faust, has to scrape by at about $1,200,000 a year.

 

4/15/17

Dear President Tump,

The Lame Stream Media is saying that you are keeping the names secret of White house visitors so no one will find out about your conflicts of interest. Haven't these dudes ever been in a locker room? You just don't want Melania to know about all the hot babes lining up to have their pussies grabbed by the Groper in Chief. Don't worry, your secret is safe with me, bro.

 

4/14/17

Dear President Trump

Holey Moley! If, as the media says, firing 59 Tomahawk missiles that didn't disable that Syrian airbase made you presidential, dropping the Mother Of All Bombs on Afghanistan should make you the most presidential president in the history of presidentialness. Except maybe for Truman who dropped nukes. But, hey, you're early in your term.

And the flawless orange paint job on the bomb and the black racing stripe! Looks like the finest precision sports car. Well, at $1billion to develop and $16 million per bomb, it ought to look good. Glad you showed one of the poorest, war ravaged countries on the planet that the USA drops bombs with grace and style.

 

4/13/17

Dear President Trump,

Jeff Sessions wants to go after all those druggies. Its about time. If he puts all those “legal” potheads in jail there'd be so many democrats behind bars that the Repubs would continue their majorities way into the future. And think of the boon for CoreCivic, formerly known as Corrections Corporation of America. So many great prison guard jobs! Maybe their CEO, Damon Hininger, could finally get a raise from his $3 million plus taxpayer funded salary. Poor guy barely scrapes by. Not like your buddy, Betsy DeVos' brother Eric Prince, CEO of Academi formerly known as XE Services, formerly known as Blackwater. He was able to parlay taxpayer funded contracts into a $2.4 billion fortune. (By the way, I hear he did a nice job for you with the Russians during the campaign.)

These guys are onto something: changing their names after getting bad press. Your own press hasn't been great. Maybe you should consider a name change. You could call yourself Robin Cheetum. Imagine: Cheetum Tower; Cheetum Hotels. Has a nice ring, no?

 

4/12/17

Dear President Trump,

Leave it to the lame stream media to call out Sean Spicer for saying that Hitler didn't use chemical weapons against his own people. How was Sean supposed to know that a gas was a chemical. He's your spokesman, not a scientist, and you don't even like science. And anyway, Hitler didn't gas HIS people, he gassed Jews, Gypsies and Homosexuals. They weren't his people anymore than they are yours. Jeez!

 

4/11/17

Dear President Trump,

I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but I’m pretty angry at your treasury secretary Steve Mnuchin. When my parents were old and not quite playing with a full deck anymore, he scammed them out of the equity in their home with one of his reverse mortgage schemes. The $80,000 that my disabled sister and I would have inherited went to Mnuchin, though I did end up with a nice box of old postcards. That money means nothing to him, he spaced out $100 million he had stashed when he was being confirmed. It would have made a big difference in the lives of my sister and me. I’m sure his children are deserving people and when they inherit my parent’s $80,000 they’ll spend it to promote social justice, but I’m still pissed off. If you would have him send me a check for $80,000 all will be forgiven. Thanks.