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writing for godot

ONLY I CAN DO IT Singapore, June 12, 2018 A Play in One Act

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Written by Harry Piotrowski   
Monday, 04 June 2018 05:16

[Pundits warn against the Trump-Kim talks producing a miracle. They ignore however, that the two heads of states are master negotiators, capable of producing the greatest, most astonishing, most successful negotiation in the history of the world.]

 

DONALD J. TRUMP, President of the United States, behind the desk, leaning forward, his hulking torso carving out his space, elbows firmly planted on the table:

 

Welcome, Mr. Kim Jong-Un, Dear Leader of the People’s Republic of Korea. I am honored to receive you as my guest.  So, as we say in America, let’s cut to the chase. Can you please tell me, how long will it take to completely denuclearize North Korea. Let me remind you, it needs to be done before February 1, the deadline for Nobel Peace Prize nominations. Everybody thinks I deserve it, but I would never say it.

 

KIN JONG-UN, Supreme Leader of North Korea, beaming, in full charm-offensive mode:

 

Thank you Mr. President for your gracious remarks. As we have repeatedly said, we plan to keep our pledge of denuclearization. But first, in the spirit of the art of the deal, what do you offer us?

 

TRUMP (caught unawares, hesitates, then recovers): I offer to make North Korea great again. You wonderful people deserve greatness, same as the Chinese. As I told Premier Xi, China has lost “too many jobs.” We must not let that happen. Similarly, I will protect jobs in North Korea. I will do for you what I did for ZTE. It’s only fair.

 

You already agreed to accept an America-style hamburger joint for Pyongyang. I will double the offer. One for North Pyongyang, another one for South Pyongyang. Twice as many happy North Koreans. I will throw in, at great sacrifice on my part, an Ivanka Trump boutique for North Pyongyang. As you know, she offers nothing but the best. The finest clothing produced in the factories of Guangzhou. I noticed your people already wear Chinese-made garments. Ivanka’s should fit right in. But classier. And a bit more expensive. You may have heard wages in China are rising. I expect we’ll soon be producing the Ivanka line in Kaesong. We can pay sixty cents an hour. And health care. The very best, the very same I promised the American people. Since Paul Ryan is retiring, he can manage it. He will do for your social programs what he did to ours. A fantastic job. You and he can work out the details.

 

By the way, the South Koreans graciously accepted our offer to invest in the Kushner Building on Fifth Avenue. We will give you the same opportunity. That would take care of the sanctions: You invest in America, and we invest in North Korea.

 

As a bonus, I also offer an expansion NBA team - or something of equivalent value, such as the New York Nicks. Its coach, of course, will be Dennis Rodman. Deal?

 

KIM: We would want the Warriors.

 

TRUMP: Let me assure you they would be too much trouble. They’re horrible. You couldn’t get them to shut up and dribble. Heaven knows I tried. Laura Ingraham tried. And a lot of good it did us.

 

KIM: Speaking of Laura, we would like to have her. We like her style. We would guarantee her a show with one hundred percent ratings. The biggest ever.

 

TRUMP: Sorry. I need her at home.

 

I also propose, Your Excellency, a golf course in Mt. Kumgang National Park. It’ll be huge. Best in Asia. My son, Eric, will manage it. Don’t worry about financing. We have Russian money, huge sums! But, NO COLLUSION!!!! Nobody knows this, but the South Koreans, especially their women, love golf. They’ll be flocking to Kumgang. Did you know that my Scottish ancestors invented golf? You could practically say I invented it. Tiger Woods should thank me. I hear you play golf?

 

KIM: Yes, with modest success. On my first eighteen holes, I shot a 34, but only five holes-in-one.

 

TRUMP: People love winners. My club houses are filled with trophies I won. Did you know that I was the best baseball player in New York when I was young? Better than Mickey and Roger. Everybody wanted me to be a baseball player. Shall we later repair to the Raffles Country Club. I hear it’s nice.

 

KIM: Those are very gracious offers, Mr. President, particularly the golf course. But before we can proceed, we have several security concerns. We would like a peace treaty. As you may know, there are four sides still at war in Korea: the United Nations, the People’s Republic China, South Korea, and North Korea. Can we have the UN revoke its nasty 1950 Security Council Resolution 82? You must not veto its repeal.

 

TRUMP: I will do my best, but I must remind you that we have people who do not like to go to the UN, particularly for peace resolutions. I will have my work cut out with Nikki Haley and John Bolton. People don’t know this, but Bolton was once our ambassador to the UN and he positively loathes it. But I will stand up against him and Haley, as I stood up to the NRA. Trust me. That alone would justify the Nobel. Deal? Done!

 

KIM: Speaking of Haley and Bolton, why do they talk about regime change in North Korea? And why are they here? I see Haley is at the end of the table, but Bolton is sitting right next to you. And what is Pompeo’s current position on regime change? We were hoping for Tillerson.

 

TRUMP: Let me assure you, Dear Leader, these are the best people. As everybody knows, I hire only the best. And I vet them. Extremely. Believe me. As for Bolton, don’t worry. I gave him a new assignment. Regime change in Iran. Piece of cake, he tells me. He owes the People’s Mujahedin of Iran a big favor. Those speaking engagements did not come cheap. His deadline is February 2019. Before the fortieth anniversary of the Islamic Revolution. Anderson Cooper will cover the riots in the streets.

 

KIM: We would also like a non-aggression pact. We hope for something better than what Stalin got from Hitler, something that would make it difficult for you to explain that we violated the pact. We know you would have no trouble convincing your bas and ignore the remaining two-thirds – who, we are told, are mostly illegal Mexicans. We’re thus hoping for a Congressional role in the matter. Does your Constitutions permit that?

 

TRUMP: It would keep all agreements with North Korea, as I have honored all my other agreements. I want good relations with your fine industrious people. So do the Japanese who, by the way, have a modest request. My friend Shinzo wants the return of all Japanese citizens you have kidnapped.

 

KIM: I had nothing to do with it. It was before my time. Besides, we already have dealt with the perpetrators of those crimes.

 

TRUMP: Can the Japanese talk to the kidnappers to find out what happened to their people?

 

KIM: That is no longer possible. We already gave the criminals a decent burial.

 

TRUMP: Did you give your half-brother and grand-uncle a decent burial?

 

KIM: Of course. We are not savages.

 

Trump: Speaking of getting things back, our navy wants the U.S.S. Pueblo.

 

KIM: That would be a problem. It is currently moored on the Potong River in downtown Pyongyang. A museum dedicated to the heroic resistance of the Korean people. Would you like to see it? It’s open twenty-four hours a day. We could arrange a VIP tour. You can pretend to be an admiral for the day, how you would have fought us off - heroically.

 

TRUMP: Would Fox News be able to cover it?

 

KIM: But of course. In 4K. But before that, we would have to establish diplomatic ties with the United States. We would like our embassy on Mount Alto, on Wisconsin Avenue, next to the Russians. Same deal Nixon gave to Brezhnev. No swampland. As for recognition, we would like the model President Nixon offered the Chinese so graciously. We can have our diplomats work out the details in Shanghai. Kissinger can help. We can call it Shanghai 2.0: One Korea, and the People’s Republic is the one. You must, of course, end your military alliance with South Korea. That should be no problem since it will become moot when UN 82 is rescinded.

 

TRUMP: Then you will denuclearize?

 

KIM: Of course.

 

TRUMP: Deal.

 

Kim and Trump shake hands, Trump pulling Kim into close embrace. Two ample bosoms heaving in the tropical night. Pence shudders.

 

KIM: No more “little rocket man.”

 

TRUMP: No more “dotard.”

 

KIM (suddenly alarmed): What is happening to Bolton? He’s foaming at the mouth. Haley is turning pale. Sorry, there is no doctor in the house.

TRUMP: Greatest international meeting ever. Greater than the Council of Trent, greater than the Congress of Vienna, greater than Versailles (Singapore could have imported some mirrors), greater than Yalta – I would have loved to make deals with Stalin - great leader – do you know it means “man of steel”? - and greater than Obama’s failing Iran deal. Only I could do it. I alone!!! Only a very stable genius could do it!!! Miller!!! Start on my Nobel speech.

 

[Exeunt Trump & Kim holding hands. The all-night negotiations have ended. The sun rises – in the East. Ben Franklin, seeing a setting sun, turns in his grave.]

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+1 # BetaTheta 2018-06-17 08:22
Most excellent drama! Your command of Trumpian rhetoric would make Andy Borowitz envious. And poor Ben Franklin has lots of company these days.
 

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