I was introduced to violence before I took my first breath. The Doctor spanked me in order to force me to breathe. This was considered acceptable. However that started the exponential multiplying if violence in my life. It is little wonder, then, that I want to be selfish, so that all the violence can be equaled out with pleasure.

I was just a construct, a social and cultural construct, a PARTIAL "EXISTER". Actually I was only PRACTICING to BE a partial exister, until "I" accepted my "dark side". "I" was hardly the "I" in "me". I was always defensive, especially emotionally. Deep down, intuitively "I" knew "I" was missing something, some part of "me".

Once I began to accept my "dark side", my "otherness", I began to BE present absolutely, and this ABSOLUTE presentness MAY be as close to BEING free from DEFENSIVENESS, i.e., FREE FROM worrying about any needs for privacy, and so I can be ABSOLUTELY open, and this openness seems to be a threat to others who seem to be almost addicted to privacy.

For instance I was told that to be open with my past, my dark side past(I was a prostitute, oops, it's been upgraded to sexworker, for 3 desperate months in 1986 when I was homeless), would be offensive to others because I oould be ASKING for reprisals. Prostitution AND sexworker associations both resented my going public with this part of my past. Prostitute associations, resented my "outing" myself, especially because I used the term sex work,(Prostitution associations maintain that sex is not work) and the sex work associations resented me because I questioned excluding someone for "bad" behavior!

I pay dearly for this openness but, regardless, it is worth it, because I am "paid", or I "pay" myself with freedom from at least emotional defensiveness. (Of course in order to stay alive I HAVE to be aware of the necessity to react with physical self defensiveness, but I consider only ABSOLUTE immanent life and death issues worthy of my energy.)

Perhaps this absolute existential quality, namely the emotional freedom from defensiveness, can only exist SUBLIMINALLY. Maybe this is an almost subliminal communication here, and perhaps this will be mostly misunderstood, but regardless of that possibility, I am enjoying communicating this, even if it results in being a communication just to myself! Even if this freedom from emotional defensiveness is a kind of SUBLIMINAL "existence", it "IS" a KIND of freedom from relativity, because I can be ABSOLUTELY obnoxious and that is, to me priceless.

Pehaps I am just autistic, or maybe I have Asbergers, etc. or perhaps I am insane, but I would perfer to be free from emotional defensiveness with autism, Asbergers, and/or insanity to any relative existence,because as long as I have my obnoxiousness,I HAVE me!