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Borowitz writes: "After putting in what one associate called a 'hellish all-nighter,' the Russian President, Vladimir Putin, is almost finished redacting Robert Mueller's report in time for its release, on Thursday."

Vladimir Putin. (photo: Alexei Nikolsky/AP)
Vladimir Putin. (photo: Alexei Nikolsky/AP)


Putin Almost Done Redacting Mueller Report

By Andy Borowitz, New Yorker

17 April 19

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."


fter putting in what one associate called a “hellish all-nighter,” the Russian President, Vladimir Putin, is almost finished redacting Robert Mueller’s report in time for its release, on Thursday.

Earlier in the week, the U.S. Attorney General, William Barr, submitted the approximately four-hundred-page document to Putin for his approval, but the Russian President was reportedly “in a state of disbelief” over how much Barr had failed to redact.

Quickly assembling a crisis team at the Kremlin to implement further redactions, Putin told his associates, “Put some coffee on, boys—it’s going to be a long night.”

Although Putin is said to be satisfied that his redactions have rendered the Mueller report meaningless, he resents that the important task of obliterating damning evidence fell to him. “I have to do everything for these people,” he reportedly said.

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-10 # Rodion Raskolnikov 2019-04-17 15:28
Must have been because Barr ran out of Sharpies. Our austerity program has limited the number of Sharpies any federal bureaucrat can have. In Russia, there are plenty of Sharpies!

The Report is supposed to be color coded to show the reason for each redaction. I wonder what color Putin's redactions are?


"Although Putin is said to be satisfied that his redactions have rendered the Mueller report meaningless, "

CNN and MSNBC have already washed their hands of the report. They expect it to be meaningless. Maybe Putin's contributions will re-invigorate them -- and their sinking ratings.
 
 
+9 # HarryP 2019-04-17 22:30
Rodion:

How would you know the views of CNN & MSNBC since you watch neither?

Let me assure you they are very much interested in the Mueller report, particularly since district court judge Reggie Walton is about to demand a full report, including all the juicy, nasty bits. CNN & MSNBC do not consider it “meaningless.” If anything, they’re licking their chops. Rachel can’t wait.

Go to a friend’s house and watch Rachel et al, or you can go to her website and watch her analysis in the privacy of your room.
 
 
+12 # Auteur47 2019-04-18 00:49
Realistic expectations for this first draft redaction of the Mueller Report are understandably low. Barr has exposed himself to be a shameless political hack who is all to willing to shield his sponsor, Trump. It will be a long time before most of the Report sees the light of day. Meanwhile, spinmeisters Trump and company have pretty much set the impression that Mueller has completely cleared him of wrongdoing in the public's mind.
 
 
-2 # revhen 2019-04-18 13:28
Frankly, this whole "administration " has proven itself meaningless as far as true administrating is concerned. I've been wondering if the whole Mueller thing is just fraud, a way to clear T by pretending to attack him. Just wondering. Living in the Looney Tune age. La, la, la.
 
 
-7 # dbrize 2019-04-18 18:35
Quoting revhen:
Frankly, this whole "administration" has proven itself meaningless as far as true administrating is concerned. I've been wondering if the whole Mueller thing is just fraud, a way to clear T by pretending to attack him. Just wondering. Living in the Looney Tune age. La, la, la.


You are on to something rev. The first “fraud” was to clear Hillary and the DNC from blame for losing an election considered impossible to lose. Hence, the Russians did it nonsense.

Second “fraud”; in order to prevent Trump from following through on better relations with Russia and his stated desire to withdraw from wars of choice, it was necessary to put him in a position where such endeavors would support the “collusion/ obstruction narrative.

In orchestrating these frauds, the DNC has worked hand in glove with the national security state organizations to the detriment of all. And at least partially succeeded.

Their next mission is to grease the skids for Sanders and Gabbard. Sanders frightens the hell out of the DNC and Gabbard frightens the same out of the deep state.

“Looney Tune Age”...very good.
 
 
-4 # Rodion Raskolnikov 2019-04-19 07:17
Rev and db -- I agree with both of you. I'm reading the report and it makes your points very clear. All of Hillary's fuck ups are blamed on Russia. The "Russian Dirt" is actually the DNC and Podesta emails. The description subtly make the claim that somehow Russia is responsible for this damaging information. Most of the redactions have to do with the on-going case against the Petersburg Trolls, who are charged with "disparaging" Hillary -- a capital crime, for sure.

This is truly the Looney Tune Age. Trump has been bullied, blackmailed, and backed into a corner. Flynn as Nat. Sec. Advisor who was against the war in Syria has been replaced by Bolton who wants war everywhere on earth. Trump is now doing what the Deep State tells him to do.
 
 
+6 # randrjwr 2019-04-19 10:28
Quoting revhen:
Frankly, this whole "administration" has proven itself meaningless as far as true administrating is concerned. I've been wondering if the whole Mueller thing is just fraud, a way to clear T by pretending to attack him. Just wondering. Living in the Looney Tune age. La, la, la.


No, it is not meaningless. It has meant and will continue to mean DISASTER for America.
 
 
+1 # DongiC 2019-04-20 04:46
Now that Putin has protected Trump by the power of redaction, Trump will have to sell Putin the special oil drilling equipment to tap into the Russian portion of the arctic reserve. Or Vladimir will be one mad Russian leader that Sir Donald will have to contend with.
 

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