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Borowitz writes: "Offering an upbeat assessment of the headline-grabbing college-admissions scandal, Betsy DeVos said on Thursday that bribing colleges gave students 'a really neat opportunity' to learn math."

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos. (photo: Tom Williams/Getty)
Education Secretary Betsy DeVos. (photo: Tom Williams/Getty)

Betsy DeVos Suggests That Bribing Colleges Helps Students Learn Math

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

14 March 19


The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

ffering an upbeat assessment of the headline-grabbing college-admissions scandal, Betsy DeVos said on Thursday that bribing colleges gave students “a really neat opportunity” to learn math.

The Secretary of Education suggested that, rather than keeping children in the dark about the bribes that enable their college acceptances, “Parents should sit around the kitchen table with their kids and work on some fun math problems together.”

“Let’s say it’ll cost Amber seventy-five thousand dollars to get into Stanford, and it’ll cost her twin brother Dylan seventy-five thousand to get into Georgetown,” she said. “How much money total will their parents have to wire?”

“Or let’s say Jenna has a 470 verbal score, but she needs a 730 to get into Yale,” DeVos said. “How much will she have to pay to get her score changed?”

DeVos said that, as regrettable as the criminal charges against the parents in the bribery scandal were, the arrests themselves provided a teachable moment. “Lori Loughlin posted a million dollars in bail, and Felicity Huffman posted two hundred fifty thousand,” she said. “How much bail did Lori and Felicity post?”

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+15 # Wise woman 2019-03-15 06:54
Perfect!!! Math and the language arts all tied up in one neat little package called a bribe. Think the kids got it (in)?
+15 # Rodion Raskolnikov 2019-03-15 07:13
The really sad thing is that this isn't funny. It is just true. The wealthy elites do understand the math. They pay to get into the best institutions and that opens other doors which pay off in multiple ways for their whole lives.

The sad fact is that elite universities have always been "finishing schools" for the kids of the elites. How and why was GW Bush able to got to Yale and Harvard. Clearly, he did not have the talent for a good university.

I just wonder why the FBI wasted its time on this business as usual. It will never change. Institutions celebrity universities really do exist to flatter the wealthy elite.
+6 # janla 2019-03-15 19:49
Seriously - why should the FBI bother? Think about that. I was going to say for a minute, but that may not be long enough.The answer is that every little effort to speak truth to power is important - and we who are not among the powerfully wealthy folks need to understand what is going on so that we can protest appropriately - like the woman who is suing on behalf of her child who did not have the same access. Try not to be world-weary, but go for hopeful for change - it is the only way.
+21 # WorkingClass 2019-03-15 09:07
Andy is great at poking fun at those in power. Sadly, he often hits so close to the truth that it is chilling. In this case, don't think these bribes don't impact you personally. They do. Many of the wealthy parents funneled their payments through phony charities that then worked the magic. Those "donations" were huge tax deductions for the parents. The lost tax revenue was no longer available to fund government programs/polici es. Guess whose taxes are higher than they would have to be if these cheaters weren't gaming the system. You saw one of the victims in the mirror this morning.
+9 # Jim Young 2019-03-15 15:12
It seems they learn the most about cheating without conscience, or concern about the brighter more honest and beneficial students they take the places of.

The eventual consequences to our country and the planet seem staggering.

The very least they can do is repay the Application Fees so many innocent applicants paid into such a corrupt system.
+2 # DongiC 2019-03-16 05:31
The American answer to all problems is money. The bigger the problem, the more money it will take. This is a fundamental rule of American economics and the younger generation had better learn this lesson very early in life so they can earn more money and have a life that is problem free. Well, more or less cuz some problems take an awful lot of $, like which private school one should go to.

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