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Borowitz writes: "In a bid to end the government shutdown, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh said on Thursday that he would recycle his empties to pay for a wall with Mexico."

Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. (photo: Andrew Harrer/Getty)
Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. (photo: Andrew Harrer/Getty)


Brett Kavanaugh Offers to Pay for Wall by Recycling His Empties

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

11 January 19

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."


n a bid to end the government shutdown, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh said on Thursday that he would recycle his empties to pay for a wall with Mexico.

Speaking to reporters from his office at the Court, Kavanaugh said that the inspiration came to him while he was building a beer-can pyramid in his basement rec room on Wednesday night.

“I was in my man cave, building this rad beer pyramid, and I was, like, I bet if I recycled all the beer cans down here plus the ones out in the garage, I’d have enough to pay for that freaking wall,” the Supreme Court Justice said.

He added that he started calling a number of his friends from Georgetown Prep to see if they would contribute their empties to the effort, and found that they were “totally stoked” about the idea.

“P.J., Tobin, and Squee are all in,” he said. “This wall is gonna freaking rule.”

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+47 # Wise woman 2019-01-11 16:36
It wouldn't surprise me one bit. Kavanaugh's breakdown when he was being questioned about sexual assault definitely reminded me of an alcoholic's personality as well as that of his frat buddies'. Old habits die hard!
 
 
+8 # randrjwr 2019-01-12 10:59
Quoting Wise woman:
It wouldn't surprise me one bit. Kavanaugh's breakdown when he was being questioned about sexual assault definitely reminded me of an alcoholic's personality as well as that of his frat buddies'. Old habits die hard!


Or not at all.
 
 
+7 # Rodion Raskolnikov 2019-01-12 08:15
This is good and funny. I thought the most idiotic part of the Kavanaugh hearings was his repeated insistence that he likes beer. Who the hell cares?
 
 
+11 # elizabethblock 2019-01-12 09:47
Reminded me of a song from "Fiorello." Corrupt politicians are in court to account for having a lot more money than their salaries.

"You're implying I'm a crook, and I say No, sir,
There is nothing in my past I care to hide,
I've been taking empty bottles to the grocer,
And each nickel that I got I put aside....."

and so on.
 
 
+2 # AZerbst 2019-01-13 16:55
Miz B -- Green thumb! Somebody else here knows "Fiorello!"! (Now, how can we work in a "Politics and Poker" quote?)
 
 
+6 # futhark 2019-01-12 10:31
Kavenough's proposal is far too modest. Mr. Trump proposed a wall made up of steel slats. Unfortunately, the ferrous nature of steel makes it subject to deterioration by oxidation (rusting), unless it is made of the more expensive stainless alloy. Aluminum, on the other hand, though not very resistant to oxidation itself, forms a surface oxide that seals the underlying metal from further corrosion. So if "Justice" Kavanaugh wants a wall that will stand for centuries to come, he should donate his empties directly to a recycling plant, where they can be converted directly into components of Mr. Trumps "big beautiful wall".

The downside of my proposal is one that has already been suggested in relation to Mr. Trump's "steel slats" proposal. In the 1880s Max Flower-Nash invented the modern form of the hacksaw. Application of such an instrument to steel like that in the original Trump steel slats proposal has shown it to be devastatingly effective tin negating the integrity of the obstruction.

https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/immigration/test-steel-prototype-border-wall-showed-it-could-be-sawed-n956856

Aluminum, being a much softer metal, would doubtless be much more easily subjected to such assaults, the perpetrators of which would not only breech the border, but could possibly carry away pieces of it having marketable value.
 
 
+2 # economagic 2019-01-12 18:13
I would be happy to donate mine if Mr. K would pay for the shipping like a good patriot. ;-)
 

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