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Borowitz writes: "The government of Iraq announced on Tuesday that it would seek to build an international coalition to establish democracy in the state of North Carolina."

Voters lineup to cast their ballots. (photo: Logan Cyrus/AFP)
Voters lineup to cast their ballots. (photo: Logan Cyrus/AFP)

Iraq Offers to Help Establish Democracy in North Carolina

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

05 December 18


The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

he government of Iraq announced on Tuesday that it would seek to build an international coalition to establish democracy in the state of North Carolina.

Speaking to reporters in Baghdad, the Iraqi President, Barham Salih, said that Iraq had reached out to regional powers including Canada and Mexico to launch a military invasion of North Carolina’s Ninth Congressional District to “protect the North Carolinians’ right to self-determination.”

While many in the international community commended Salih’s desire to bring democracy to North Carolina, some critics warned that the effort could wind up destabilizing other American states.

“If North Carolina gets democracy, it’s only a matter of time before the people of Wisconsin, Georgia, and other failed states demand it as well,” Muqtada al-Sadr, the Iraqi politician and cleric, said. “Iraq could find itself in a quagmire with no exit strategy.”

Brushing aside such concerns, President Salih said that his international coalition could send troops to N.C.-9 as early as next week.

“We will be greeted as liberators,” he predicted.

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+45 # DongiC 2018-12-05 15:02
Iraq also offered to assist the US in rewriting its Constitution so as to guarantee the right to vote and to maintain separation of powers. President Salih was heard to say that government and gerrymanders make a very poor cocktail and it was about time to end all the voter suppression at election time.
+5 # NAVYVET 2018-12-06 15:52
I would not recommend allowing a gerrymander to swim around in any sort of cocktail you intend to drink. They are just too dirty.
+12 # BetaTheta 2018-12-05 23:02
Thank God (under all His names)! We will strew flowers before their feet!
+17 # candida 2018-12-06 00:27
Brilliant! One of Borowitz's best, if not THE best. What a great critique of American hubris. Reminds me of the anthropological essay, "The Nacirema," (American spelled backward) that reversed the classical perspective of American anthropology and represented daily American activities (like brushing teeth) as exotic and strange. Borowitz just keeps getting better!
+4 # NAVYVET 2018-12-06 15:50
Wasn't "The Nacirema" in THW WORM RUNNERS' DIGEST--the collection of humor in papers submitted by psychologists of the 60s who specialized in training those cute, crosseyed flatworms with the scienific name of planaria? I remember learning in high school or college that if a planarian was chopped into several parts, each part would regenerate into a whole planarian, just as smart as the original (smarter than some humans). It would be nice to do that to ourselves when we get overwhelmingly too busy.
+10 # Rodion Raskolnikov 2018-12-06 07:39
Good idea. The Ba'ath Party which dominated Iraqi and Syrian politics until the US intervention was a hell of a lot more democratic than what the US has now in its republicans and democrats. The US has a lot to learn from the world, but sadly it may be unable to learn anything. It is hard to learn when you think you are the greatest nation on earth.
+12 # economagic 2018-12-06 08:36
Hey, that's too close to home. I live in North Carolina, and Wisconsin, Georgia, et al, got nuthin' on us. Republicans took the governorship and both houses of the legislature in the TP (sic) revolution of 2010 and promptly proceeded to ensconce themselves in perpetuity by gerrymandering, voter suppression, and other means. They have had multiple congressional district maps rejected by the courts, but they just tweak them a little, get the court's OK, then get sued again (and again). Today, in addition to trying to complete a bill to define what the photo ID mandated by a constitutional amendment (riding on the backs of a couple of bills prohibiting future bills outlawing hunting (sic), etc.) will look like, AND trying to squelch the investigation of election fraud that now extends to two counties and back to the primary, in which a RW nut was defeated by an RW nuttier.
+9 # Kootenay Coyote 2018-12-06 09:20
+9 # EternalTruth 2018-12-06 09:41
Laugh or cry. Your choice.
+5 # Jim Young 2018-12-06 14:44
Perhaps we should handicap the weight of the vote of any member of a chamber that is supposed to be based on proportional representative by the percentage of the Popular Vote they got, and further handicapped by the percentage of voting age population that actually voted (to discourage voter suppression since that would lower the weighted value of their vote).

They'd never let that happen, but it would be interesting to see how it would work, and score their legislative votes to get a better idea of how things would work if truly proportional.

If a state got 90% of their voting age people registered, 90% of them voted, and the winner got 51% of the vote, that representative' s vote would weighted as worth 41.31%

If they only got 40% voting age people registered, but 60% voted in a Gerrymandered district (to concentrate the opposition)givi ng the winner an 83% margin (actually happens), that representative' s vote would be weighted as worth 19.92%.

Then the States that suppress, discourage (instead of encouraging) voting age people to register and vote in Gerrymandered districts favoring them might see 40% voting age registering,40% voting, their candidate "winning" by 51%, but that would result in the weighted value being reduced to 8.16%

That would be less than half the value of a reasonably fair, high turnout race with a high percentage of voting age population participating (in the supposedly proportional representation chambers in the 50 states).
+5 # NAVYVET 2018-12-06 15:37
One of the funniest genuine satires that Andy has ever written! You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll shudder at all the truths a good satire can reveal.

PS: Something like this COULD happen.

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