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Borowitz writes: "In a development that could dramatically change the composition of the federal penitentiary system, Republicans are projected to pick up as many as seventy seats in prison, a leading incarceration expert said on Thursday."

Congressmen celebrate after House Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Finance Committee Chairman Orrin Hatch sign the final version of the GOP tax bill on December 21, 2017. (photo: Andrew Harnik/AP)
Congressmen celebrate after House Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Finance Committee Chairman Orrin Hatch sign the final version of the GOP tax bill on December 21, 2017. (photo: Andrew Harnik/AP)

Republicans Projected to Pick Up Seventy Seats in Prison

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

09 August 18

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

ASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a development that could dramatically change the composition of the federal penitentiary system, Republicans are projected to pick up as many as seventy seats in prison, a leading incarceration expert said on Thursday.

“Prognostication is an inexact science,” Davis Logsdon, who studies conviction rates of corrupt politicians for the University of Minnesota’s Guilt Project, said. “Having said that, if current indictment trends hold up, the Republicans could be flipping at least seventy key prison seats.”

Logsdon broke down criminal cases against Republicans into likely convictions, likely acquittals, and toss-ups, and found that the G.O.P.’s path to the magic number of seventy new prison cells was “very doable.”

According to his projections, Republicans are running for prison “especially well” in districts where the G.O.P. member of Congress was an early supporter of Donald J. Trump.

“In those districts, we’re seeing Republicans who did an incredible job of raising money,” he said. “All of that money is going to translate into a huge number of new freshman prisoners.”

All in all, Logsdon sees the prospect of seventy new Republicans in prison as “nothing short of seismic.”

“Prisons need to get ready,” he said. “A red wave is coming.” your social media marketing partner


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+31 # chapdrum 2018-08-09 14:16
Based upon the history of this benighted party, my guess is that not ONE of these "patriots" will go to prison.
+7 # Rodion Raskolnikov 2018-08-09 18:46
This is good and very funny. The photo makes it even worse. The sick grins on these serial criminals is enough to convict them. McCain is the ring leader. He has a nice cozy place in hell waiting for him -- right underneath Satan's tail.
+23 # Caliban 2018-08-09 23:13
McCain? He protected healthcare, so probably not.

But Ryan and McConnell are already on the platform, and the train is not going to Hogwarts.
+26 # Glen 2018-08-10 06:29
Don't forget so many others: Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, Kissinger, and on down that line. Others on the inside/outside are such as Bill Kristol.
+17 # Nom de Plume 2018-08-09 21:39
When I saw the partial headline, I thought it would read:
"Republicans Projected to Pick Up Seventy Seats in the Duma"
+19 # DongiC 2018-08-09 22:00
Guess the new motto of the Republican Party will be "Cruelty and Corruption Forever."
+3 # Benign Observer 2018-08-09 22:52
THIS is how you defend progressive principles:

Kyle Kulinski does a great job of facing off against a Fox fabulist.
+19 # futhark 2018-08-10 01:52
Add Donald Trump to the picture and you would have a group portrait of the people who bankrupted America.
+18 # Realist1948 2018-08-10 07:00
Borowitz appears to have focused on the Republicans in Congress in this piece. But let us not forget that there are others. Wilbur Ross comes to mind. His pattern of grifting, outlined in a recent Forbes article, makes him a dark horse candidate for prison, possibly becoming one of the oldest of all cabinet members to have his past catch up to him in a courtroom.
+13 # Salus Populi 2018-08-10 07:22
Seventy seats sounds like a good beginning, but I think Real Republican MEN will want to push that number to a record high. WHY NOT all of them? Don't be in the Left Behind [Gluteus Minimus} group!!
+17 # Working Class 2018-08-10 08:29
Can a US Congress Critter be charged with conspiracy to obstruct justice? If the answer is yes, then the entire GOP membership of the House Intelligence Committee should be charged.
+12 # HarryP 2018-08-10 08:54
RR: Why am I not surprised you miss the point Borowitz makes? He doesn’t have in mind people like McCain whose sin (as you would have it) consists of despising the people in the Kremlin (which actually is a virtue.)
He has in mind the grifters, money-launderer s, tax cheats, violators of US election laws, inside traders, etc. etc. the cesspool know as the Trump administration.
In a just world that would include your new BFF,, Devin Nunes, for obstruction of justice and Paul Erickson of the NRA, not for being in the sack with Maria Butina, but for assisting her in her mission.
Enjoy the upcoming show. I’m sure Borowitz will.
+2 # Rodion Raskolnikov 2018-08-10 09:56
I did not miss Borowitz's point. I had to add one thing to it because McCain is way too close to death's door to send to prison. He's far closer to the final prison house in hell.

I put McCain under Satan's tail because he is the foremost American war monger. He has befriended terrorists in Iraq and Syria and worked mighly to see that ISIS gets the funding and weapons it needs. He is mobilizing for a war against Russia, even now as he is close to breathing his last.

McCain, Cheney, Bill Kristol and many other war mongers are responsible for tens of millions of deaths over the last half century during which they have had control in Washington. It has been a slaughter unprecedented in human history. And, McCain has supported every war.

As far as Nunes, Butina, and the rest. I don't know much about Nunes. But in the cases referred to, he spoke the truth.

I am for truth, no matter who tells it. -Malcolm X
+5 # HarryP 2018-08-10 16:16
RR: you still don’t understand Borowitz’s point. He is talking about people who have run afoul of federal law. Being a warmonger is not an indictable offense. It’s in our DNA. But accusing McCain of arming ISIS is just plain nuts. It reminds me of your other BFF, Donald Trump, accusing Obama of founding ISIS.
When McCain dies, try to keep you enthusiasm under control. We don’t need another unseemly spectacle. I’ll wager they will break out the champagne bottles at the White House.
As for the honorable and oh-so-honest Devin Nunes, I agree with you on one point: he finally told the truth - at that fundraiser- that his mission in life was to obstruct justice. Lock him up!!!!
+2 # DongiC 2018-08-11 03:50
What does BFF stand for? Why isn't Nunes committed to some home for the mentally bewildered? I am just devastated that he is a national leader. And, a committee chairman at that. Pity!
0 # Wise woman 2018-08-12 18:22
BFF stands for Best Female Friend. It's a trendy bit of Hollywood nonsense.

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