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Borowitz writes: "In a moment of high drama at the White House on Tuesday morning, Donald J. Trump dove under his desk after a can of Diet Coke opened with an unexpectedly loud sound."

The Oval Office. (photo: Olivier Douliery/Getty Images)
The Oval Office. (photo: Olivier Douliery/Getty Images)


Trump Hides Under Desk After Diet Coke Can Opens Loudly

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

27 February 18

 

The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."


n a moment of high drama at the White House on Tuesday morning, Donald J. Trump dove under his desk after a can of Diet Coke opened with an unexpectedly loud sound.

Moments earlier, Trump had pressed a button on his desk, summoning Vice-President Mike Pence to the Oval Office to serve him the frosty beverage.

According to one aide, when Pence opened the can, it made “an unusually loud noise,” sending Trump ducking under his desk in a millisecond.

At a news conference, minutes later, the press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, attempted to tamp down speculation that Trump had acted in a cowardly manner during the Diet Coke incident. “The President prudently repositioned himself under his desk in an aggressive crouch,” she said. “He was ready for anything.”

Pence agreed with her assessment. “The President was putting himself in a position where, if need be, he could defend the entire country against an attack,” he said. “I, for one, am honored to serve a man of such valor.”

The White House physician, Ronny Jackson, also had high praise for Trump. “He has the ability to flee a loud noise of a man half his age,” the doctor said.


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-6 # Benign Observer 2018-02-27 21:57
We Are 'Subject B'

Here's some GREAT news -- Dylan Ratigan, a finance expert who USED to work for MSDNC, is running for Congress in NY's 21st district!

He is a fantastic candidate -- so you know the establishment will be out to get him.

In an interview with TYT's Cenk Uyger, Ratigan explains why people voted for Trump (or didn't vote) using a famous experiment in behavioral economics. It's called the Ultimatum Game and the results are robust:

Researchers set up a scenario with two subjects. One subject, A, gets to decide how to distribute wealth/food/ass ets and the second, B, only gets to accept the offer or reject it, which results in neither party getting anything.

Let's say A gets to decide how to split 10 M&Ms or $10.

If A gives B 5, B thinks that's a fair offer and accepts the deal.

If A gives B 4, B thinks it's less fair but accepts the offer.

If A gives B 3, B gets upset about the unfairness but accepts the offer.

But when A gives B 2 (because where else are they going to go?) whether it's money or food or llamas, B REJECTS THE OFFER.

If A is the Democrats, or politicians in general, and B is the voter, and '2' is what we're being offered election after election .....

And let's not forget the Clinton-Podesta 'Pied Piper' email, where the campaign asked 'trusted' journalists to elevate Trump and Cruz because they would be easier for Clinton to beat.

That was the establishment giving us 2 (bad candidates).
 
 
0 # Benign Observer 2018-02-28 16:51
I honestly don't understand what's bad about this post. Behavioral economics explains how people make decisions. In this case they make a seemingly irrational decision (nobody gets anything) because the system has dipped below a threshold of acceptability, enough that B decides to suffer in order to punish the unfairness.

I think that really sums up the 2016 election.

Do people think we're getting good candidates?
 
 
+1 # librarian1984 2018-03-02 07:46
*I* think it's interesting.
 
 
-62 # wantrealdemocracy 2018-02-27 22:45
No joke here. Trump's life is in danger every day. He won both the popular vote and the vote of the Electoral College. All we hear on the major media is that he won because the Russians helped him. NO. Trump won fairly and Hillary lost.
 
 
+28 # hectormaria 2018-02-28 08:37
#want...: Are you competing with Borowitz?
 
 
+40 # opinionaire 2018-02-28 09:04
WON THE POPULAR VOTE? You might want to check actual facts.
 
 
-19 # wantrealdemocracy 2018-02-28 10:27
You might make an effort to find out for yourself what is going on. Lots of irregularity in our voting system. Do you know anything about the Q phenomena? It would be wise of you to go beyond what you see and read on the major media.
 
 
+20 # Working Class 2018-02-28 11:26
Wantrealdemocra cy - no you don't. If we had real democracy we would have Single Payer Health Care. If we had real democracy assault weapons would be banned. If we had real democracy universal background checks for all gun sales would be law. If we had real democracy money would not be considered "protected speech" when it comes to political races. What all these have in common is according to polls the majority of US citizens want them - want real democracy- indeed.
 
 
+7 # lfeuille 2018-02-28 18:41
Is this a joke? I can't tell. He did not win the popular vote.
 
 
+15 # candida 2018-02-27 23:13
Thanks for the chuckles, Borowitz! (burp!)
 
 
+10 # dotlady 2018-02-27 23:21
Ho ho ho! What a great lion.
 
 
+33 # jsluka 2018-02-28 02:14
Trump denied this report as 'false news,' and stated that "You don't know until you are tested," but he believed "even if I didn't have a weapon I would have rushed to confront the exploding Coke can. Just like I rushed to join the military during the Vietnam war."
 
 
+3 # BetaTheta 2018-03-01 11:08
I suspect his bone spurs would have kicked in to prevent him from rushing in...
 
 
+30 # opinionaire 2018-02-28 07:14
Does anyone else recall the actions of SuperDrumpster when a man charged the stage where he was spinning whatever version of reality suited him during the campaign? My memory is that he dodged quickly to get behind bodyguards, even after said bodyguards had the situation under control.
 
 
+31 # Realist1948 2018-02-28 07:25
In the future, Trump might want to go to Ben Carson's office for his dangerous Coke-can openings. There, if necessary, Trump could scurry under Carson's $31,000 custom dining table, which is likely more sturdy than some puny office desk. Rumor has it that Carson's table is made of vibranium.
 
 
+11 # barbell1941 2018-02-28 09:17
And while he is in Carson's office, he should watch out for the pubic hairs on his diet coke can.
 
 
+13 # Realist1948 2018-02-28 10:47
I suspect you've confused Carson with Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas.
 
 
0 # CL38 2018-03-02 11:24
most repubs today are interchangeable . Clarence Thomas, Ben Carson, etc.
 
 
+10 # Working Class 2018-02-28 11:36
This Borowitz piece is obviously a parody off Trump's claim he would have charged into the school shooting in Florida. At the same meeting with the Governors where Trump made this claim he called the law enforcement officer who did not enter the building during the building while the shooting was transpiring "a coward". However, after learning about of the officer's reasoning Trump issued the rarest of Trump's tweets - an apology to the officer. The officer declined to charge into gun fire due to the fact that he had a sudden flare up of his "bone spurs".
 
 
-11 # babaregi 2018-02-28 11:43
Keep passing out the 'Kool-Aid' folks!:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6vYMg2KEM8
 
 
+10 # Working Class 2018-02-28 13:19
Quoting babaregi:
Keep passing out the 'Kool-Aid' folks!:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6vYMg2KEM8


In an effort to have an open mind I went to your sight - talk about Kool-Aid! The individual being interviewed seems to have a real conspiracy view of the Social Justice movement in general. Can we then conclude that you and he support the current Social Injustice we see every day?
 
 
-4 # babaregi 2018-03-01 00:29
Quoting Working Class:
Quoting babaregi:
Keep passing out the 'Kool-Aid' folks!:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6vYMg2KEM8


In an effort to have an open mind I went to your sight - talk about Kool-Aid! The individual being interviewed seems to have a real conspiracy view of the Social Justice movement in general. Can we then conclude that you and he support the current Social Injustice we see every day?


Calling it 'social justice' doesn't make it a benign movement. Glad you made an effort to have an open mind but you missed the point and your conclusion is false.
 
 
0 # librarian1984 2018-03-01 01:16
SJW v RWNJ cage match!

I'd watch that.
 
 
-1 # babaregi 2018-03-01 10:03
Quoting librarian1984:
SJW v RWNJ cage match!

I'd watch that.


Social Justice Warrior vs Right Wing Nut Job?
They're BOTH delusional positions!
 
 
+9 # Salus Populi 2018-02-28 12:56
Note that it was a Diet COKE that exploded -- or threatened to, and as chess wizard Emanuel Lasker put it, a threat is the same as its being carried out -- and not a PEPSI. The "other" Donald, "... M. Kendall, head of Pepsico for around 15 years, was a close friend of REPUBLICAN President Richard M. Nixon. Indeed, Newsmax has suggested, through their photo[shops], that Coke favors Democrats, and Pepsi, Republicans. It all begins to make sense. By bringing a Diet Coke into the presence of the purple-faced, if not -robed, pResident, was Mike "I'm next in line" Pence attempting an assassination? Did he "shake up" the can before delivering it? Inquiring readers want to know!
 

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