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Borowitz writes: "Bernie Sanders failed to impress major media outlets over the weekend as he barely managed to win seventy percent of the vote in three western primaries."

Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders arrives for a rally at the Moda Center in Portland, Oregon on March 25, 2016. (photo: Steve Dykes/AP)
Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders arrives for a rally at the Moda Center in Portland, Oregon on March 25, 2016. (photo: Steve Dykes/AP)

Media Unimpressed as Sanders Barely Gets Seventy Percent of Vote

By Andy Borowitz, The New Yorker

28 March 16


The article below is satire. Andy Borowitz is an American comedian and New York Times-bestselling author who satirizes the news for his column, "The Borowitz Report."

ernie Sanders failed to impress major media outlets over the weekend as he barely managed to win seventy per cent of the vote in three western primaries.

The major cable networks briefly mentioned Sanders’s vote tallies in Washington, Alaska, and Hawaii but noted that he ran out of steam well shy of eighty per cent.

“There’s no point in sugarcoating it,” one analyst put it. “Rough night for Sanders.”

According to one cable executive, Sanders needs to “put up some big numbers fast” if he expects the networks to continue giving his campaign airtime.

“It’s going to be harder and harder to justify covering him while he’s stuck down in the seventy-per-cent range,” the executive said.

While Sanders campaign officials remain optimistic about the upcoming primary in Wisconsin, media outlets are calling it a “do or die” state after his sputtering finishes over the weekend.

“I think if he limps across the finish line with, say, seventy-five or seventy-nine per cent, it’s going to be time for him to reassess things,” one cable representative said. “That would have to be a wake-up call.”

A spokesperson for CNN could not be reached for comment, as the network was busy preparing a ninety-minute special on the birth of Donald Trump’s new grandchild. your social media marketing partner


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+111 # Billy Bob 2016-03-28 14:42
Yeah. It's not like that Iowa caucus victory that Clinton CLEARLY won hands down!

Oh wait! "Hands down" might not be the proper expression.

Was it "heads" or "tails".

I forgot. I assume it was "heads-up" with a double-headed coin, considering the fact that she won 6 coin tosses to determine delegates, and she won ALL 6 OF THEM (democracy in action), and she only "won" the state by 4 votes.

Anyway, CLEARLY, 70% of the vote is far inferior, since Washington is a blue state, and the objective is to win as many red states as possible while losing the blue ones.
+18 # Douglas Jack 2016-03-29 07:33
Then again Bernie gained nature's endorsement in Oregon. Bernie Sanders & a small green canary-like Bird, Friday 25Mar’16, Portland, Oregon Rally at the Moda Center lands on Speakers Podium about 70 cm in front of Bernie before huge 28,000 person crowd, The Oregonian, "I know it doesn't look like it, but that bird is really a dove asking us for world peace," Here's another perspective camera
+9 # Kootenay Coyote 2016-03-29 08:44
It was a Sparrow.
+5 # Douglas Jack 2016-03-29 08:47
Thanks Kootenay.
+86 # ktony 2016-03-28 15:15
Clinton WON Illinois, but the numbers are not so emphatic.
1,017,006 -Clinton

982,017 -Sanders

Clinton 76
Sanders 73
7 delegates still uncommitted.

I thought Clinton was supposed to have the Home State advantage. Squeaking by with 50.5%, and a 3 delegate gain seems downright pathetic.

As usual, Borowitz nails it.
+13 # Krackonis 2016-03-29 11:06
You mean she just electioneered it by the skin of her teeth.

"Hundred of ballots were found in a car trunk and a trashcan later.... " :P
+59 # newell 2016-03-28 15:24
Thanx Mr. Borowitz
+111 # Ken Halt 2016-03-28 18:08
Bernie could have won 100% of voters in the recent 3 caucuses and it wouldn't have made a dent in the reform-suppress ion MSM coverage! I do hope the DNC is paying attention because the Bernie vote will NOT translate into a Hillary vote after the convention. Bernie is a New Deal Dem, what the party can proudly point to as having represented in the past but, sadly, not in the present. I've been a Green for the past 18 years but reregistered as a Dem so I can help Bernie win the primary in my state. If he doesn't win the nomination I will go back and vote for a reform candidate instead of the Repub-lite DNC-backed estabishment tweedledum. Sorry, but the lesser of two evils is still evil. In order to win my vote the Dem party has to field an alernative to the Repub candidate, i.e., not a Repub in sheep's clothes. Tweedledum or tweedledee? No thank you! By fielding weak candidates the DNC will eventually find itself as irrelevant as the present Repub party.
+98 # grandlakeguy 2016-03-28 19:34
In order for the MSM to sit up and take notice Bernie will have to start winning well over 100% of various categories of voters just like G.W. Bush accomplished in many Florida and Ohio counties in 2004!
Hillary will now have to ramp up her payments to the Diebold types to achieve "Glorious Victories" just like her Republican buddies. I will never get the image of Hillary and G.W.Bush hugging with such passion at the Nancy Reagan funeral out of my memory. Perhaps she was getting pointers on how to rig elections (Arizona anyone?)
She followed that display with lies about how much the Reagans accomplished in fighting the AIDS epidemic.
Now THAT was news!
+79 # Ken Halt 2016-03-28 19:52
grandlake: Thanks for the biggest laugh of the day; "...well over 100% of..." The MSM is shameless in its advocacy and doesn't notice statistical anomalies! And yeah, no sympathy or empathy in the world should have allowed an embrace with a proven war criminal. Birds of a feather...
+2 # spenel334 2016-03-30 09:02
Aha, grandlakeguy Your first paragraph puts you in the Andy Borowitz category. Keep it up.
+97 # lark3650 2016-03-28 18:38
Hillary may have the media in her pocket but when I turned on the radio today a guy from Hillary's organization kept talking about the NEGATIVE comments Bernie keeps making about Hillary. He used the word NEGATIVE about 10 times. I think he was confusing negativity with the true facts cuz Bernie doesn't know how to do negative. Also, he sounded doubtful as to whether Hillary would participate in a New York debate. The media may be protecting her but I don't think she is as sure of herself as she and the media would like us to believe.
Bernie's triple win....I'm lovin' it.
+60 # Ken Halt 2016-03-28 19:53
lark: We're both feelin' the Bern, and it's so sweet!
-40 # skylinefirepest 2016-03-29 08:44
Do you all even know what a Socialist stands for? Apparently not!
+32 # Krackonis 2016-03-29 11:08
Do you even know what Democratic Socialism is?

Apparently not.
+13 # newell 2016-03-30 08:08
Sharing. It's what humans did for 95% of our history.
+10 # REDPILLED 2016-03-30 20:21
Socialism is when workers own the means of production, unlike capitalism, which exploits workers, and Soviet/Chinese "communism", which was the State owning everything and exploiting the workers.

The U.S. is now firmly an oligarchy run by Wall Street banksters and corporations, with most politicians willingly doing the bidding of the Ruling Class 0.01% such as the Koch brothers.

We are as far from democracy, let alone a socialist democracy, as we can get without descending into a pure fascist state.
+65 # rural oregon progressive 2016-03-28 22:20
The problem is the DNC and MSM... Period. Neither Bernie or Hillary can win the nomination at this point without Super Delegates. The Supers are in fear of the DNC running candidates against Senators and Congresspersons who do not vote for Hillary, so they toe the line. I have made it clear to my super-delegate representatives that unless they vote as Oregon does, they can expect to lose my support. As for the MSM, it is true that unless Bernie wins a state primary by sweeping all delegates, it barely will get a mention beyond "isn't it cute that he thinks he can win". It matters not that he is the only one that polls ahead of all the candidates continuing to run around in the Clown Car, or that he polls ahead of Hillary in National polls. All that matters to them is that the final election is between right-wing wing nuts and right wing light (Hillary). It is also amazingly interesting to hear that Hillary's campaign is only willing to participate in future debates if Bernie "Moderate His Tone"... What the Hell??? Imagine the field-day the MSM and Hillary supporters would have if his campaign made a similar statement. My advice is that he do just that (moderate his tone) and actually attack her many weak flanks! The only problem with this, is if he does finally go after her weaknesses, she will then (again) play the "victim"...
+60 # tigerlillie 2016-03-28 22:40
Yup, Hillary is getting very sensitive, or is it elitist? She won't debate Bernie in New York state because she would lose.
+14 # Krackonis 2016-03-29 11:09
+67 # GDW 2016-03-28 22:22
The media has done an excellent job in ignoring Bernie's wins and the enthusiasm
of his supporters.It's their job to downplay those who oppose the current times. And it is not the first time they played favorites.
An oligarchy of special money interests run (own) this country and it is up to us to take it back. Not the first time the people rose up and changed things. We have only begun
+52 # rural oregon progressive 2016-03-28 22:42
Indeed... We have only just begun (again). This time we need to keep at it. On the streets, in our local halls, our states and the national stage. My demographic (old folks) trend toward Hillary. God how I wish my demographic would remember our "hippie, anti-war, don't trust the establishment" roots.
+20 # 2016-03-29 06:39
Just a quick comment about the "taking it back" narrative; We never owned it. We stole it from indigenous peoples who appear to have had much more respect and connection with nature . Our relationship as a mammalian species, anatomically herbivore, psychologically carnivore ( see with our earth and other species, due to learned behaviors from domesticating non-humans, seeded the behaviors that now come full circle. Predatory ideology, which our ownership mentality and top of the food chain hubris learned long ago, got us here. We own nothing but the illusion of ownership. We have become the victims of our own design and predatory dominionism that caused every rights struggle, and now impales the very population that clamours about how free it is.
Empires have risen and fallen all through human history because they are all predicated on flawed morality and the conquering mentality.
To deeply grasp why human society is plagued by its own designs, and read Will Tuttles book, The World Peace Diet. The dialect needs transforming away from ownership and anthropocentris m to commonality and shared values. Sorry for the rant.
+13 # Douglas Jack 2016-03-29 08:38
islitt, Thanks for the indigenous 1st Nation nature rant. Its important to be reminded about where we come from & need to get back to. Its time to finally recognize the crime of colonial invasion & to 'immigrate' to 1st Nation laws & customs here. A big part of aligning with nature is the food we eat every day. Responsible Compassionate Health gives to make the world a better place.
0 # Douglas Jack 2016-03-30 12:21
Thanks for direction to Dr. Will Tuttle author of the World Peace Diet & loads of videos on his work. Diet is a core of how we get peace & abundance. Eating for Spiritual Health & Social Harmony, Google Authors Talk in Honolulu
+53 # AKPatriot 2016-03-28 22:39
Alaska, the largest state in the Union with probably the least amount of voters, Overwhelmingly 82% for Sanders, 18% for $hillary. Caucus attendees set new record on a cold, wet and foggy morning. The Sun came out brightly by the end of the Caucus.
+43 # bardphile 2016-03-28 22:49
Those looking for examples of MSM Hillary bias would love (hate) this morning's column one story, "Common Ground for Democrats: State voters uniting around Clinton..." Under the byline of David Lauter, it cites a USC poll claiming that "Close to 8 in 10 Sanders supporters said in the survey that they would vote for Clinton in a race against Trump," and took that as support for its thesis, never bothering to ask whether Clinton supporters would support Sanders, and concluding that, in contrast to the Republicans, "Democrats in the country's largest state have begun to coalesce behind their front runner." That's page one. The poll was taken before the latest results, so at the end of the article another article under the same byline carries the headline "Victories do little to ease Sanders' path." In other words, the LA Times is reporting Hillary's nomination as nearly a done deal and implying the deluded kids pushing Sanders' candidacy are "coalescing" around Hillary in an acknowledgement of political reality.

My home-town paper continues to disappoint--but not surprise.
+39 # rural oregon progressive 2016-03-28 23:04
the thing that is so maddening about this is that they are playing to the 'tried and true' notion that if they tell the lie often enough, it becomes truth. Hopefully the well-connected youth will not fall for this ruse...
+13 # economagic 2016-03-29 06:28
We have a "news" paper like that here in the Research Triangle of North Carolina. I live in Durham but more often read the Raleigh News & Observer for wider coverage, better, crosswords, more comics, etc. In January of 2003 they ran a statewide poll of support for an invasion of Iraq with some 65% of the population in support, but ONLY if it did not involve US ground troops. If ground troops were to be involved support dropped to about 40%, but the front-page headline did not mention that. I called them on it, as did the local news and infotainment weekly, but got no response.

In February they repeated the poll with similar results, and again declined to mention the absurdi-, er, discrepancy in the headline. Later that day I was listening to the local NPR outlet, which repeated the lie without comment. I phoned and emailed, trying to get in touch with the station manager, to no avail, although the phone flack agreed that there was a serious problem.

Weeks after my initial effort, by which time the invasion was imminent if not underway, I received a dismissive email from the station manager.

And THAT is when I stopped listening to NPR except for a couple of comedy shows now and then.

BTW, the paper otherwise endorses Democratic candidates and positions fairly reliably, sometimes a bit foolishly, a holdover from the "Solidly Segregationist South."
+4 # newell 2016-03-30 08:14
I have noticed that as advertisement has increased on public radio/tv--the news has a more conservative slant.
-42 # Shades of gray matter 2016-03-28 22:57
The popular vote this weekend outside of Washington state was 7 1/2 votes for BS, 2 1/2 for HRC, who is 2 1/2 MILLION votes ahead of BS, approx. 57% to 43%. Super delegates, whom Bernie now wishes to court, will surely notice the 2 1/2 MILLION edge over the 5 voter advantage in Palin territory.
+31 # Billy Bob 2016-03-28 23:41
I think the deep south is palin country. Washington state is not. You're so concerned with trying to lose the deep south by a smaller margin in November that you're willing to lose the rest of the country to the Republican, who will be much stronger against Corporate sHillary, than against Sanders.
+20 # rural oregon progressive 2016-03-29 03:23
Great... Keep clouding the issue 'Shades of gray matter'". Alaska in its totality is not 'Palin country'. Only the republican faction of that state can be so considered. Republicans did not throw that yuge majority to Bernie... Clear headed progressive Democrats did. Regardless of the numbers you like to throw out, Polls do not lie (that is Hillary that lies and obfuscates... "change the tone, change the tone, don't discuss my actual record"). Polls clearly show that there are voters in previous primaries that have changed their tunes as Bernie now leads in national polls of likely democratic voters... And he has always led in the "trust" factor... Gee, I wonder why..
+8 # Krackonis 2016-03-29 11:11
You're the guy that trolls here and is always wrong? Why would we listen to you?
+12 # MindDoc 2016-03-28 23:15
Exactly! The world as we're shown it by the media (and for real, if not as dramatically stated as in this "satire").

A Huuuuge problem, beyond the Donald making "lemming aid out of lemmings" - is that "mainstream messaging media" has connected with the "mainstream disaffected" who are simply loving the hybrid reality-surviva l show (fused with Wrestle-mania prose and narrative).

So how did a big chunk of U.S. citizenry become engrossed in modern gladiator fights masquerading as "free press", "debate", & politics? This goes beyond Drumpf-trumpeti ng by "the news" (great for ratings!) and of course also colors (rather than "reports") news on the Dem campaign too, and little coverage of voting irregularities or party maneuvers, PAC/corporate influence, or the "work" of OUR Congress.

It's so easy to resonate with what Borowitz distilled out of our once-beloved and "public-interes t" vested mega-"free press".

I would like to share an interesting read - by Trump's recently-resign ed communications director. I say "interesting" from a psychological perspective - and her observations about the looming dangers of a megalomaniacal monster who is taking on a fantasy role. This also might be interesting to share with friends who say they are surely voting for Trump, because.... I ask: "Because what?" "I don't know, I just like him." "What do you like? Disrespect for [fill in the blank]?" "I don't know, maybe he'll help..." Oh?
Please read:
+26 # davehaze 2016-03-29 00:12
This morning I alternated between CNN and MSNBC for nearly an hour hopelessly listening for a mention of Sanders. Finally a reporter announced that Sanders crushed Clinton in weekend primaries, for I had turned to Fox News, for the first time! It appears they cover Sanders, tho probably only to annoy Clinton.
+22 # Texas Aggie 2016-03-29 05:05
Clinton keeps talking about how she's the only one who knows how to work the system to get incremental improvement. The problem with that thesis in her particular case is that it is only valid if she actually intends to work to get improvement. There is absolutely nothing at all in her record that shows her to be even the least bit interested in making things better for the average American. But instead her record is just littered with instances of her working to comfort the comfortable and afflict the afflicted.
+7 # lfeuille 2016-03-29 16:07
What she calls incremental improvement never has kept up with the downward spiral that neoliberal economic policies inflict on the 99%. The net result is worsening decline at an increasing rate.
Just like under Obama. Inequality will increase.
+2 # GDW 2016-03-29 06:00
Wait to the corporate media really gets going and the hatchet job they do on Bernie begins.
+7 # grandlakeguy 2016-03-29 19:49
All they can say is that he is a socialist!
I submitted this bumper sticker slogan to the Sanders campaign:


I hope that they can use it. FDR gave us the New Deal, Social Security and led us to victory in World War II
-31 # Shades of gray matter 2016-03-29 06:17
Okay! Okay! Washington state was a YUUGE win. But if the bears ate all the progressives in Alaska, the bears would still be hungry. If Bernie would self vett re atheism; past mistakes on Cuba (KGB, STASI), Ortega, & worse; re-igniting the healthcare conflagration.. . before Wisconsin, he should then get every super delegate from each state he then wins. Until vetted, he is too risky.
+27 # Billy Bob 2016-03-29 07:36
He's been vetted since he began fighting for all of us in the senate 30 years ago.
-25 # skylinefirepest 2016-03-29 08:47
BB, "fighting for all of us"??? You just ain't got a clue, do you?
+3 # Billy Bob 2016-03-29 19:30
Hey, Shades!

Look who's on YOUR SIDE!

Does that tell you anything?


P.S. PEST, How many people have you "converted" on this site, so far? Does "having a clue" have anything to do with trolling for negatives? Are you "The Riddler"?
+3 # progressiveguy 2016-03-29 08:42
Satire sometimes becomes reality but the reality is that the Democratic nomination is rigged and Sanders has almost no chance of winning. Bernie is too decent of a person to be president and even if a miracle happened and he was elected he would be trashed everyday by the Fox network even worse than Obama is now. Actually the American people don't deserve a president as decent as Bernie would be. Americans love war, even endless war, torture and the military industrial complex. Bernie should retire and not sacrifice his health in the last few years of his life for an ungrateful American people.
+6 # Douglas Jack 2016-03-29 09:24
progressiveguy, You're right about USA as warmonger state. Bernie knows it isn't about himself but about all of us & life on earth, so he's made the obvious choice for a meaningful life. I'm amazed at his constitution. Bernie has without BIG: -finance, -media, -education, -union, -military, -industry, -legislator complex endorsement & exposure been able to nearly match Hillary in delegates with just 2/3rds of the states counted. New York, California & many big-population states are still to come. Its a pleasant miracle. Enjoy! Still the biggest step is for USA, Canada, NATO, Israel & other colonial worshipping states to formally immigrate to 'indigenous' (Latin 'self-generatin g') First Nation laws & customs. Human strength & the meaning of 'democracy' (Greek 'power-of-the-p eople') lies in the areas of expertise which we build each in our own area of expertise both female & male, young & old.
+1 # Astoriapepe 2016-03-29 11:31
Quoting progressiveguy:
Actually the American people don't deserve a president as decent as Bernie would be. Americans love war, even endless war, torture and the military industrial complex.

I refuse to say such things about the American PEOPLE. Corporations, the Military-Indust rial Complex, MSM, and establishment politicians are the warmongers, and cheat, intimidate, and misinform the people towards their ends. The PEOPLE are reacting by supporting Bernie Sanders, and that is what the whole world needs and deserves.
+3 # Douglas Jack 2016-03-29 12:04
Astoriapepe, The problem is also unapologetic complicit colonial collusion by the general population in war & extractive people & resource exploitation. When ever there is conflict both at home & worldwide, we have two main choices to:
1) believe the finance-media-e ducation-milita ry-industrial-l egislative-comp lex, demonize the other, armour ourselves against our perceived enemies, launch pre-emptive war & create hell, or
2) engage the other in formal equal-time recorded & published dialogues.

Mohandas Gandhi developed 'Satyagraha' (Hindi 'truth-search') based upon the simultaneous inquiry with both parties to dispute & in research asking "What are your best intentions & how can we help you fulfill these?". Gandhi, "I can imagine a fully armed man to be at heart a coward. Possession of arms implies an element of fear, if not cowardice. But true non-violence is an impossibility without the possession of unadulterated fearlessness." We need transparency in all levels of human interaction including the military, government, education, business listening to both sides.

Sending young girls & boys to murder for foreign government destabilization , resources & our war industry is shameful for both Killery & Netanyahu at the top as well as the rest of us at the bottom.
+8 # Art947 2016-03-29 08:44
With all the talk of statistics, I am reminded of the anecdote that I tell my students about the results of U.S. - U.S.S,R, dual track meets in the 1960s. Even if the U.S. team won the competition, the Soviet press would report:
U.S.S.R comes in 2nd
U.S. comes in next to last!
While the information is accurate, the results don't really report the story.

It would be valuable if someone reported on the favorable/unfav orable ratings of Sen. Sanders and Sec. Clinton. It might prove very telling.
+11 # JayaVII 2016-03-29 11:47
Question for corporate media self-examinatio n:

Mr. Sanders is a truth-based guy who creates delirious joy among his listeners by stating facts that no one else dares utter -- e.g., Politically speaking, America is an oligarchy.

Why is reality considered bad for ratings? Why is aggressive stupidity deemed telegenic?
+2 # fuzzbuzz 2016-03-31 09:54
Because the stupid people, which unfortunately is the majority of people, are comforted when told "facts" that match their beliefs, expectations, upbringing, etc.

It's not an exclusively American problem - it's a human thing.
+7 # Art947 2016-03-29 18:37
On the way into work this morning, I heard a newscast about our potential presidential candidates. It reported that they gave speeches, are were scheduled to give speeches. It provided ABSOLUTELY no information about the substance of the speeches.

Is there any reason why the typical American shouldn't be turned off by "politics"? Does anyone really believe that people have the time or energy to read all the policy briefs that the candidates publish? After watching politicians in action for many years, does anyone believe that the positions the candidates state in these briefs has any reliability or validity?

And then we scratch our heads in perplexity about why the U.S.A. has the lowest voter turnout of any of the major democracies in the world.
0 # Candie 2016-03-31 11:47
Ha!! I know this is satire, but the media might be surprised when they cant just assume Hillary will be running against whatever moron the GOP picks.

Keep going Bernie our country depends on it!
0 # Vardoz 2016-03-31 15:40
And then we have HRC who is being paid tens of thousands by Wall St that engages in fraud and is writing our laws and polices. HRC is simply too corrupt to be president!
A Bernie Sanders Supporter Confronted a Superdelegate — Then Leaked Their Private Conversation


This is immoral and we should tell the Superdelegates should be told by
their constituents in big numbers that they will not be reelected if
they endorsed HRC. If they get a big outcry it will make a difference.
We need to let them know that if they want to get reelected,they need to
represent their base!!!! Patrick Leahy of VT is a Superdelegate and has
endorsed HRC, as is Ed Markey of MA, Al Franken, Cory Booker NJ, Boxer
and Fienstein CA. call the US capital and ask for your senator. if they
are a Superdelegate for HRC tell them you will not be voting for them
again!!!!! We need to turn up the heat!!!

list of superdelegates call the US capital and ask for your senator 202- 224-3121
list of superdelegates

Also if you find that your voter registration has been voided you must call your city hall to have it validated again. This is another voter suppression trick they are pulling and it stinks!

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